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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Is my ex boyfriend a narcissist or sociopath. I dated this person for 2+ years when he a

Resolved Question:

Is my ex boyfriend a narcissist or sociopath.
I dated this person for 2+ years when he all of sudden stopped talking to me. Six weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I tried to contacting him and never heard from him throughout my entire pregnancy. After the baby was born, I tried contacting him, his phone number was disconnected, I found out he quit his job, moved out of his place and ran off to his home country in South America. I also found out he had a girlfriend of 4 years and there were numerous other women.
He was always selfish, but not a braggart, nor controlling. He was never violent or demeaning, but the relationship was one sided, always on his terms and I gave and gave.

I contacted his family who has made him contact me and say he will live up to his obligations, but now after research, I am not sure I want him in my daughter's life. Can he be a good father? Is there different degrees of these personality disorders?

Thank you
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is hard for me to say if he is a narcissist (which is a sociopath) from the little information that you have given about him, but he may very well be.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Here is the "official" diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and you can judge for yourself.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

This is from the DSM-IV psychiatric diagnostic manual:

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

 


Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder


(DSM IV - TR)


A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:


(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)


(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love


(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)


(4) requires excessive admiration


(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations


(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends


(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others


(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her


(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :



The sociopathic part of narcissism is the total INABILITY to have empathy for others - to feel their pain and suffering.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He will never really care if he is narcissist.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

His family may force him into a marriage with you, but if he is a narcissist you will not be happy with him.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He will be self-absorbed, always have to be in control, and have to feelings for your emotional needs or for you child's.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

There are degrees to all personality disorders and illnesses. This one is hard to treat and most narcissists don't believe that there is anything wrong or that others do not have the capacity to understand them.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I would like to recommend a couple of books on the subject that will give you a great deal of focused information and expertise in a short time. They are worth reading:

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :



Narcissists are the best con artists and the best liars. He has lied to you and tricked you and left you pregnant and abandoned. He has equally deceived his other girlfriends.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

When faced with responsibility he left down without a trace or a word.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you can get a monthly support check for your child then you will be doing well.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You probably will be unhappy if he ever is pushed back into your life. You will not be in control and you will have a very inequitable relationship where he will be the perpetrator but take the role of the victim and blame you and make you out to be the bad guy.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you have any follow-up questions, please get back to me and I will do my very best to help youl

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I am keeping you and and our child in my prayers.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Customer:

Thank you Elliott! There is so much scary stuff out there about sociopaths, I am wondering, is it possible to have a working relationship with this person - in regards XXXXX XXXXX together for my daughter? I already know I do not want to be personally involved with him. I have been through a lot in my life and though my daughter was a surprise, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me; I do not want anything or anyone to make things any harder for us. I see on TV people like Don Draper of Mad Men and even celebrities like Kanye West who seem like sociopaths/narcissist to me, yet they function and are not murders or rapists. My ex, before running away from me, this child, child support services and his girlfriend, (who I had absolutely no idea about, nor all of his promiscuity, and she still knows nothing about me or my child with him,) had an excellent job as a HR Manager/Director that he was at for 6 years, he is highly educated and just a few years ago completed post graduate degree in half the time. My ex is 42 years old and now looking back, on occasion had told me he was very selfish, that he never wanted to get married or have children, once said he felt suffocated and out of control if he lived with someone, and also said he wanted to die at a fairly young age, (in his sixties.) All warning signs I should have seen, but glossed over them and thought he was just someone who was a bit lost. Again, he never yelled at me or belittled me, never was violent or controlling, never asked me to do anything weird sexually. He seemed humble and even a little shy, just a normal guy. Of course I know realize that was all an act, but he was honest about his family and incidents in his life, (never a pity party, he actually talked fondly XXXXX XXXXX). His father was a very strict military officer for the Peruvian Army. I guess what my question is, can he live a half way normal life? I know he cannot love our child or anyone besides himself, but can he mimic a real father?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear friend,

A ventriloquist can almost give life to his puppet/dummy - make him charming and lots of fun. In the end, the dummy always has a wooden heart and can feel nothing.

If he did agree or was coerced into this relationship, you and your child would never feel loved. Your life will feel empty and unfulfilled, and he will always be unhappy.

If he was different it would be a good idea. He is not, however, and I don't believe this will work.

If his father was a strict Peruvian military office then he probably never had a role model to teach him to be a compassionate father but rather to be harsh and formal.

He gives no indication that he is a dangerous psychopath or that you will have to worry about being at risk. He is not likely to be dangerous - just emotionally unavailable. That is the key ingredient for an unhappy life.

The best actor in the world cannot create the feeling of being authentically loved.

From what you say I am convinced that it is in your best interest to let this dream fade slowly into the past and move forward with your life.

I shall keep you in my prayers for success. fulfillment, and happiness for you and your child.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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