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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist , Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I think my husband has a OCDP. I am very unhappy in our marriage. How can I approach him t

Customer Question

I think my husband has a OCDP. I am very unhappy in our marriage. How can I approach him to seek help?

He is a workaholic, which is an understatment. He leaves home by 4:30/5:00 am and won't return home many nights until 10:30 or later.

Everything he does is so over the top and calculated. His routines are running our life.

We have a young daughter, age 2 and I am pregnant. I need him so much for support, for his help, and for companionship, and he is never here for us. He works most weekends, or plays golf on his 'day off',

I am very sad and lonley. I love him dearly but I think he needs help.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this sad and frustrating situation.

Customer: Thank you for your reply.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very concerning since it shows how overwhelming your husband's mental health problems have literally shaped and undermined the quality of your marital and family lives.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For hos long have you been married?

Customer: I have never confronted him before, and need to do so today, I think he has an OCDP and it's really pushing me away.
Customer: We have been married for 6 years
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The fact that you have been married this long, assuming he has had this disorder-s all this time and perhaps from before marriage, shows you have not developed good communication, intimacy nor trust necessary to build a healthy and mutually fulfilling and happy life together.

Customer: He has a very strong personality, and I do not. We are polar opposites. I have let him have control in making decisions for us and our family, and support him always. I'm starting to see that this situation is not making me feel like my needs are being met, and our lack of communcation is tearing us apart.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Confrontation of unhealthy or destructive behaviors is a core ingredient of every healthy relationship. Without it, there is no way for improvement; it is a part of healthy communication, where both spouses happen to be truly honest and open with each other, fully showing what they think, feel, need and want, otherwise marriage would be based on anything but their own reality, thus become very dysfunctional and non fulfilling.

Customer: I agree. I want to contront him on these issues. Do you have any sugestions on how to do so?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, and such unhealthy approach enables further distortions at multiple levels. It's very codependent, thus unhealthy and could not lead to anything healthy for any of you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

First you have to come to terms with the fact that this unavoidable process would not be easy, but would be the toughest one, would trigger multiple issues and a strong defensive and hostile reaction, but there is no other option is what you truly want is to start takign good care of yourself and children. You cannot control him but you do have the power, right and responsibility to control your choices and actions about yourself and your children, and what you offer to this marriage and family. Remaining codependently passive, enabling further dysfunction would just damage everybody more and more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Be fully honest, open, respectful and direct, consistent with what you know and feel, taking responsibility for your feelings but not for his own feelings, choices and actions. It's obvious psychotherapy is necessary here for him to work on himself, for you to develop the skills to effectively cope and take better care of yourself, children and to promote his rehabilitation, but only time would show if he happens to do the same. if he doesn't choose to work on himself with necessary professional support, committing to it, then there is not much you could do about it.

Customer: I agree. I can no longer remain passive. It is indeed damaging our family.
Customer: Is it common for someone to be OCD or OCDP and be a workaholic?
Customer: It's like financial success isn't just a need, or a strong goal for him. It's life or death for him.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You bet it is. Individual psychotherapy and joining a support group for codependency seem to be necessary sources of support you need to seriously consider

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, work becomes a behavior of addiction for many people, since it allows them to compensate many issues from personal lives they just do not know how to handle. Many very successful professional people do develop compulsion - addiction to work while systematically avoiding, denying and neglecting reality in their personal lives, at one or multiple areas.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The saddest consequences are about children learning from and developing similar behavioral patterns and personality traits, both from obsessive - compulsive and codependent parents, becoming dysfunctional young people and adults.

Customer: That is very helpful information. He tells me he's "doing it for our family'' when we have the discussion about his work/hours. Now I am understanding much more clearly how it is reated to what is going on with him
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Denial, avoidance, repression and manipulation are all part of this illusion-disorders, and as long as they get perpetuated, the situation would be hopeless. Only a truly assertive and accountable approach would lead to positive changes, but for these changes to impact marriage and family as a whole, both adults must work together as a team to make this happen, otherwise it won't.

Customer: He told me the other day how he 'didn't have balance'. It came out of frustration when his work day didn't pan out the way he was hoping. (We are away on a 3 day vacation now, and he's worked more than half the time).
Customer: I see how it could be avoidance, and I'm wondering if this was a cry for help.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Being a good material provider while neglecting everything else important in a marital and family life could never be a healthy nor acceptable approach. Emotional, psychological health and integral well-being are and should be set as number one priorities, ultimate goals for couples and families, while jobs, as important as they may be, should be set as necessary means to take good care of people, your health, happiness and well-being, not the other way around.

Customer: Yes. All the finacial success and weath can not bring what is lacking from the emotional perspective of our marriage.
Customer: We are not even wealthly by the way though!
Customer: He's launched a start-up company which he is putting all of his efforts into.
Customer: It's a gamble.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Avoidance is a common issue fueling this obsessive-addictive tendencies, they become destructive defense mechanisms, and the person needs to fully acknowledge the core issues and take full responsibility for choices and actions, committing to set right priorities and work on making real changes, with necessary support.

Customer: Is it possible that our daughter could inherit these traits?
Customer: I certainly see these issues in my mother in law. She is totally OCD and is also a hoarder.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sadly time and life show how dysfunctional such approach happens to be. Not hard to assess it, just honestly assess the consequences, the pros and cons of it in yourself, children and husband, and from there you would know how unhealthy it truly is.

Customer: Ok. well thanks for your help today.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Genetics play a role for sure, but believe me that there is much more from nurture that could create or trigger distortions than what people may think, and there is nothing more powerful in a child's mind and personality development than their parents' modeling, the quality of their affection and parenting, what they share day by day, what they receive or not from them at those core levels.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust.

Customer: Thanks for your thoughts about parenting. I love my daughter dearly, and work very hard everyday to show her my affection and let her know how much she is loved and how special she truly is.
Customer: Thanks again. Have a good day.
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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