Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this sad and frustrating situation.
You're very welcome
This is very concerning since it shows how overwhelming your husband's mental health problems have literally shaped and undermined the quality of your marital and family lives.
For hos long have you been married?
The fact that you have been married this long, assuming he has had this disorder-s all this time and perhaps from before marriage, shows you have not developed good communication, intimacy nor trust necessary to build a healthy and mutually fulfilling and happy life together.
Confrontation of unhealthy or destructive behaviors is a core ingredient of every healthy relationship. Without it, there is no way for improvement; it is a part of healthy communication, where both spouses happen to be truly honest and open with each other, fully showing what they think, feel, need and want, otherwise marriage would be based on anything but their own reality, thus become very dysfunctional and non fulfilling.
Right, and such unhealthy approach enables further distortions at multiple levels. It's very codependent, thus unhealthy and could not lead to anything healthy for any of you.
First you have to come to terms with the fact that this unavoidable process would not be easy, but would be the toughest one, would trigger multiple issues and a strong defensive and hostile reaction, but there is no other option is what you truly want is to start takign good care of yourself and children. You cannot control him but you do have the power, right and responsibility to control your choices and actions about yourself and your children, and what you offer to this marriage and family. Remaining codependently passive, enabling further dysfunction would just damage everybody more and more.
Be fully honest, open, respectful and direct, consistent with what you know and feel, taking responsibility for your feelings but not for his own feelings, choices and actions. It's obvious psychotherapy is necessary here for him to work on himself, for you to develop the skills to effectively cope and take better care of yourself, children and to promote his rehabilitation, but only time would show if he happens to do the same. if he doesn't choose to work on himself with necessary professional support, committing to it, then there is not much you could do about it.
You bet it is. Individual psychotherapy and joining a support group for codependency seem to be necessary sources of support you need to seriously consider
Absolutely, work becomes a behavior of addiction for many people, since it allows them to compensate many issues from personal lives they just do not know how to handle. Many very successful professional people do develop compulsion - addiction to work while systematically avoiding, denying and neglecting reality in their personal lives, at one or multiple areas.
The saddest consequences are about children learning from and developing similar behavioral patterns and personality traits, both from obsessive - compulsive and codependent parents, becoming dysfunctional young people and adults.
Denial, avoidance, repression and manipulation are all part of this illusion-disorders, and as long as they get perpetuated, the situation would be hopeless. Only a truly assertive and accountable approach would lead to positive changes, but for these changes to impact marriage and family as a whole, both adults must work together as a team to make this happen, otherwise it won't.
Being a good material provider while neglecting everything else important in a marital and family life could never be a healthy nor acceptable approach. Emotional, psychological health and integral well-being are and should be set as number one priorities, ultimate goals for couples and families, while jobs, as important as they may be, should be set as necessary means to take good care of people, your health, happiness and well-being, not the other way around.
Avoidance is a common issue fueling this obsessive-addictive tendencies, they become destructive defense mechanisms, and the person needs to fully acknowledge the core issues and take full responsibility for choices and actions, committing to set right priorities and work on making real changes, with necessary support.
Sadly time and life show how dysfunctional such approach happens to be. Not hard to assess it, just honestly assess the consequences, the pros and cons of it in yourself, children and husband, and from there you would know how unhealthy it truly is.
Genetics play a role for sure, but believe me that there is much more from nurture that could create or trigger distortions than what people may think, and there is nothing more powerful in a child's mind and personality development than their parents' modeling, the quality of their affection and parenting, what they share day by day, what they receive or not from them at those core levels.
You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust.