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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi. I dont know if this is the right place to discuss personal

Resolved Question:

Hi. I don't know if this is the right place to discuss personal problems but I'm going to give it ago anyways. I'm having problems communicating with my current partner and I really think it's because of a recent past relationship. Several years ago I was in a verbally abusive relationship. In this relationship, I had made myself very open and vulnerable. However, a lot of the time I would end up feeling hurt and disrespected. I know fighting amongst couples is normal but in this relationship he would always take it too far and call me names or lash out in anger (verbally). It was definitely not healthy. At the time, I had no idea that there was anything wrong with our relationship. It wasn't until after we broke up that I realized how abusive it was.
As it has been several years since that bad relationship, I thought it would be okay to start a new relationship again. I thought I was over it and ready again. The man I am dating now is wonderful to me. However, this past of mine has come back to haunt me in a weird way. In this new relationship, I'm having a lot of trouble opening up to my current partner. Honestly it's very frustrating for the both of us because he is super wonderful and willing to listen to everything I have to say. I'm afraid it may be because I have this weird fear that he will treat me badly due to my past even though he has told me on multiple occasions that he would never do anything like that.
It has come to the point where I'm not really sure what I should do. I'm thinking I should seek some professional guidance because I'd really like things to work with my current partner however it's really hard for me to every talk about what I'm feeling in terms of the relationship. I just don't know how to get myself to trust that not everyone is the same. What do you think I should do? How does one go about getting over ones past and moving on?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know you had this very abusive relationship in the past, and that it impacted you this powerfully. Unhappily, Your experience is not uncommon, victims of abuse, whether it is verbal - mental & emotional or physical, it is always destructive and could become very traumatic, and nothing could eb more overwhelming and painful that such abuse comes from the very person closest to you, who is supposed to understands, respect, love and support you, protecting you from pain instead of becoming your abuser.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You cared about this person and trusted him to the point of becoming this vulnerable, which is a core requirement for healthy relationships, but what he did with this sacred vulnerability you allowed was exactly the opposite of what it should be, and that's why it became that destructive.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your life experiences become your ultimate master, teaching you about life and leading you to become wiser and stronger as long as we reflect on what happened, the role we played and what needs to be changed.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This past experience showed you should not trust and be vulnerable with the wrong people. If that person that close to you is unable or unwilling to even respect you, then he would not be able to care, understand, protect, love nor truly support you at all. Come to terms with this reality, in this way you would know who and how to trust people. Whenever you see something abusive or dysfunctional, confront it, address the issue, promote dialogue, setting clear and healthy boundaries and limits, working with your partner on it. If he shows inability or unwillingness to do the same, to work with you on building a healthy and fulfilling relationship, then do not waste your time and move away from such person.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your current situation, shows as you said, how unresolved issues from past traumatic and abusive relationship have been within you all this time, even when you though you were fine because of time. Time itself does not change things for better, it mostly reinforces whatever happens to be there, whether it happens to be healthy or destructive, and that's why you feel this way.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your current relationship seems to be truly healthy, and your partner, one who deserves your trust, openness, honesty and vulnerability too. Just remember to base your trust not on nice words but on consistent actions you see day by day, and always take your time to know the other person, since it's his behaviors that you would know how well or not he deserves you. You said your current partner is a good person, but this past experience has blocked you to allow yourself to trust and fully be and share in the relationship. This confirms that it is this personal issue-trauma from the past that you have been holding in for this long, even when not very aware of it, what is damaging your relationship, and for that, just as you commented, the best option is to look for professional support through psychotherapy or counseling.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Through therapy you would be able to truly process, heal and grow from past abusive experiences and relearn to trust yourself and those who deserve you, while taking good care of yourself , developing healthy boundaries and coping skills, that way you would know when to work on changes and when the other person is truly worthy of your trust, love and presence, and when it is just not healthy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Yes thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Director / Psychotherapist
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach