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Thank you. That is very helpful. Yes I guess I am trying to find a solution for both myself and stepson, and probably why I posted on here as I feel stuck for any kind of solution. It has helped to have my Partner described in this way. I had already worked out that he lies, and sometimes so blatantly and obviously, like telling me something I have done or said that I know I haven't, which means it is not possible to have normal communication at such times. Thank you for answering my question and yes I guess no-one has answered it because it seems like I am one of those people who chooses to stay in a bad relationship. But only to be a parent. But as I feel I can't leave the child (I would probably not be able to enjoy life knowing I have left him in such a situation and would worry about him) I had hoped there may be some gem of wisdom I didn't know about that would help me to find some tactics to deal with my Partner's behaviour. Although, as I have found, it is hard to keep up tactics. From what you say, it sounds like the only solution is to leave my Partner to protect myself (and I have already had a lot of loss of finances, future security and limited relationships with family and friends). Logically I should do this. I had been thinking - when the little boy is a bit older and more able to handle things himself, but then he seems to need me so much and wouldn't understand if I left and would feel deserted. I know I can't change his parents or his situation, but I could be there for him still. He does need bringing up. I toilet-trained him, and have taught him a lot and we have a close bond.
So - do people manage to stay in a bad relationship and keep sane, for a child?
Thank you. I have had a look at the descriptions of the books you have recommended and they seem very helpful. Thank you for that, and as you say, they may help me make an informed decision. Accepting your description of my partner has been an eye-opener in itself, and sort of puts a piece of the puzzle in place, as I am aware now that I had somehow recognised I was dealing with something that isn't usual in a relationship, and that I have perhaps bitten off more than I can chew in trying out Zen type mastery! The child's Mother is almost certainly narcissistic (i was how I first heard of the term) and I had been aware of that for a long time, and always thought that his Father and I needed to be there for him. My Partner is known by everyone as 'a very nice kind man' and 'lovely'. I had a lot of respect for him in the first two years of our relationship, and it was after the first two years that he had his first major nasty turn which was a shock. It was also at a point where I had been involved with and bonded with, his son, and had said that I had now made a major commitment, as we had to make sure we didn't split up now we had a child to think about, who loved us being a family. It did seem that I was suddenly in a trap and it is since then he has been a different person. He also has a brother who he works with, and who I know is slightly mentally ill, and won't have anything to do with me, and they seem to set each other off somehow. But my partner is like two people. One who is intelligent, intuitive, thinks things through, likes to help people. The other is a bit of a monster. My Father grew up in a children's home from the age of 4 and has had 4 nervous breakdowns throughout my life - I nursed him through one of them. I suppose this has made me tolerate other peoples' problems a bit too much, and also made me more determined to protect my little 5 year old. I also don't think I would be allowed to see him if we broke up. I will take a look at the books and accept that I will maybe have to set a time limit and choose the moment. As yes, I will always be wrong and vilified whatever I do or say. The little boy is a good little boy, quite strong-willed and intelligent. I think he has sussed his situation, but despite this he is still quite sweet and vulnerable sometimes, is not happy in his other step family and loves coming here but gets hurt by Daddy's attitude towards both of us. He does have a sense of humour and is very adult sometimes, saying things like "Are you allowed to drive the car yet" or laughing and saying "Daddy is like a cartoon" (which doesn't go down too well). I think I will also take some legal advice, as there is a current situation which concerns me about the little boy. I have been potty training him at night for almost a year. He is dry here, but not at his other home, where he gets shouted at for being wet, despite being in a top bunk and still in nappies. His Mother has told the school and Doctors that there is something wrong with him, and I think wants someone else to sort it out. It upsets me that the little one is being made to think there is something wrong with him and it is his fault, when actually it is just neglect and a lack of wanting to do the difficult bits of parenting. Sorry to go on. I guess, if I keep aware and informed I will be able to deal with the right things at the right time. I have had a mental shift already. Thank you.