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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Having some anxiety over breakup

Customer Question

Having some anxiety and emotional turmoil lately over an ended 1 1/2 year relationship. It's been 5 months and there are times I've felt like I recovered and other times I've felt like I have relapsed in a lack of self confidence state. Not really depressed, because I still get out do things and have a good time. Work out 5-6 days a week and go out with friends. Lately, I've just felt out of place, socially nervous, and lacking self confidence. Overthinking a lot of things and second guessing myself. I think a chat room type atmosphere might be better explain things from my point of view...

I M just look for advise and how much longer this phase might end?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Sometimes it is very hard to shake an old habit, especially when it is a close romance that includes physical bonding.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

There is something about intimacy that creates a link that is hard to break.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are mostly over it, but there are moments, particularly when you are not distracted by your active life, that you feel the loss most strongly and fall into a short lapse of depression.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is depression that causes your momentary lapses of self-confidence, and your withdrawal from social contact, and your trying to rethink what you could have done to have had a different outcome.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Another word for what you are experiencing is GRIEF, which is the same feeling that we all feel at moments of loss - not just because of death, but because of breakups and divorces.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are doing the healthiest things for self-therapy: the workouts, the excursions with friends, and distractions with good times.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Your feelings are normal and they will continue for a while but should become fewer and further between these occurrences.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are indeed suffering some grief over the breakup which you have taken badly. It was a painful one and you are not quite over it.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Don't let anyone talk you out of continuing the process, don't self-medicate with alcohol or other substances, and above all do not take any psychiatric medications to suppress the symptoms.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

This will only prolong the healing.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You cannot go backwards, and you are not. You are handling yourself in a very mature and positive way and you are making progress.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Loss like this is difficult because it is hard to replace someone that you have loved for so long. A year and a half is a long time in terms of making a bond, and I understand how you feel. You do not have to be young to go through the pain of loss through breakup (or through death).

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You will come out on the other side in not too long, depending on what moves forward in your life.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Or what comes along to bring you more comfort and to fill the void left by this breakup.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You must be patient and keep on doing what you are doing and you will feel normal all time, once more.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you are into reading a very excellent and encouraging book on surviving a breakup, then here is the link to the best one ever written.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


I wish you continued healing a growth and to that end shall keep you in my prayers.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Very best wishes

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hey thanks for answering my question. I really havent given you the full scoop of my story. I didn't think anyone was around so I went out and hung out with a few friends.

I did break up with my girlfriend back in January. Was doing great for a bit, then struggled, then I found someone who was going through a similar situation as I was and we kinda made a pact of Friends with benefits that would only last short term because she was moving away for her rotations after she gratuated in may. It was a lot of fun, but once it was over, I kinda got a little down on myself. She gave me that confidence I needed, but she had no problem leaving things as is. I guess I kinda felt strongly more for her physically than emotionally. She was an attractive girl that was fun to be around, but I guess it took me a while to accept it wasn't meant to be and only a rebound for both me and her.

Then, last month, I saw my ex girlfriend with another guy. She decided to call me and tell me she found someone new. Now I;'m like second guessing everything because I guess I'm feeling terrible about myslef that I';ve failed to do that?
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear friend,

You have gone through the same thing again and formed a bond with another woman.

You might say to yourself that this was just a casual short-term hookup, but in that time you also developed a bond for her as well. When she left, you felt let-down again and are really going through the same cycle of loss and depression and emptiness.

This "rebound" relationship was a form of self-therapy, but it has also had consequences for you as well. The lesson is that even casual relationships can form bonds and can cause strong feelings of loss.

You will have to continue with your distractions and exercise until this wears off.

You will be fine. Do not fret about this. It is normal and you are just still in the healing process, which is now complicated by two relationship loses..

You will come out on top, I am certain.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I understand. But lately, what has been going through my mind has been things I've never thought about before. Like, at a bar on the weekend, I get the fear to go up and ask a girl because the fear of striking out consumes. Then disgusting thoughts of the fear or what if I don;t like girls is processing through my mind in some instances.

It's not like it consumes my entire day each day, its that i get those fears and instances, but I mentally kill them because I know it's not true.

Can we enter chat? I just have a few things that have been bothering m
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear friend,

We cannot enter a chat any longer. The system is not designed to do this. Sorry.

You have lost some self-confidence in what has happened before in the breakups and are suffering a bit of social anxiety, but nothing you cannot overcome.

You are so afraid of failure now that you tighten up and have lost the ability to just be your old self and not care if a girl is going to fall for you right away. You are so afraid of rejection that you can't freely move.

It will take some focused effort on your part to do this. Someone can't say a few words to you and you will be back to normal. But you can go through a process that you can do yourself, with proper guidance, and without having to go to a therapist for a series of costly sessions.

I strongly suggest that you purchase this wonderful workbook of lessons and exercises that has worked for every client of mine that has used it, and it should work for you. You know what self-confidence is and you are not coming from a difficult place.

Here it is. Click the link and you can get to it to buy it on line.

Product Details

Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem... by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning




This will work. You just have to do it.

I hope that I have answered your question. Please remember to leave me positive feedback for my professional time and effort. I love to help others and that is why I do this for a living. Thank you so much.

I do not have any doubts that if you follow this program you will do well and restore your self-confidence and self-esteem to normal.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Yeah. I think so too. But those fears that I get, from what I said in a previous post, of not liking women, scares me. But I know I do. I get the "what if" questions in my mind some times that I hate, and I believe I;m doing a good job of blocking it out, as it seems to be decreasing. I just find that part disgusting and don't know why it comes up in my head because I get afraid to talk to women anymore.

If this is a phase, normally, how long does it take for people to break it? A new relationship?
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
You get the "what if" question going on in your mind because this is a defense mechanism. Its like the story about the man who couldn't reach the highest grapes in the tree because he couldn't climb it and couldn't reach. The other berries were sweet but he couldn't reach the higher ones, so he said, "These grapes are probably sour and I wouldn't like them anyhow." People often belittle things they think they cannot do. That is why you get the "what if" thoughts.

It is purely a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem.

You are simply afraid of failure and you must break through this barrier, which is why I recommended the book. Otherwise you can consider going to weekly counseling sessions for a month or two until you restore your confidence. I think the book will do.

As far as how long it takes to recover from a breakup depends on the person, the situation, and what alternatives or distractions they have.

Your first breakup was a hard one and you have not yet finished getting over it. It also shook your confidence and gave you fear of rejection.

You really need to get the two books I recommended to you. It is EXACTLY what you need. If you want to have better self understanding, then you need to go to sources that will help you. Instead of endless agonizing, read the words of wisdom, follow the exercises in the second book, and you will grow and change.

It is like bodybuilding. If you don't do the work your muscles will not grow stronger. If you do not do the mental work required, your mind will not grow stronger and you will let fears and emotions rule you. You are much to strong and smart for that.

It is time for action, which in this case is acquiring knowledge by getting and reading the books.

Just apply yourself and begin the process of growth and change.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Yes. Thank you. So pretty much all of these "What If" fears are basically in my head? I know they are, but I just get nervous. I actually had the fear of striking out, to the point, I thought about the "what if" it could I'm not attracted to other women anymore? Then reality sets in and I know that's not true. But I hate getting that self doubt.

It's not that it overly consumes my life day to day. I just get nervous at times saying "what if".

I guess I should tell you, when me and my gf broke up. She blind sided me and basically told me I wasn't perfect and listed all the things I couldn't do. Basically compared me to her sisters relationship and her friends and basically wasn;t satisfied. She said I couldn't do certain things like "fix a car" or a pool. Made me feel like less of a man.

And I know I have to let that blow over. At times I don't care but when I see other relationships, I feel like I'm not wanted by women because of that? I don't know
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
I understand now how you were affected and emotionally bruised by your former girlfriend. This has affected you but you learned what kind of a person that she really was: mean spirited, cruel, and lacking in decency and kindness.

You are you and have your abilities and talents and interests and you should not let yourself be judged and hurt by someone like this.

There are decent and kind women out there who will love you for who you are. You are a decent and sensitive soul and many women seek a man exactly like you.

Get the books. Restore your self-esteem.

I shall keep you in my prayers,

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you. You have helped me a lot. The only thing that's been inconsistently brewing in my mind has been the thought of being confused. like I get that if things aren't working out with my last relationship, I got the "What If' thought that What if I'm sexually confused? Yet, only that sickens me bc I get aroused by women and the sexual thought of women whenever I talk to say an attractive girl at work.

Am I just thinking too much? And overthinking and second guessing? Sorry I just dont like talking about that part. It just makes me quiver even having that wierd thought of "fear" and what if that happens.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Im going to accept your answer. So no worries on that issue. Sorry to be a pain. I just dont have the 100 for a pschology session and the one time I went, the guy was non helpful which made that experience crap.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
I am happy to help you. I do have to take the clients in order that they appear. You do not seem to be sexually confused.

You are probably thinking and worrying too much.

You have some compulsive thoughts and behavior. You would probably benefit from something for your anxiety, a medication such as buproporio (Wellbutrin) which does not cause weight gain or reduce your sexual functioning.

I also recommend this book for you to help you restore your self-esteems:


Product Details

The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi

This is instead of or IN ADDITION to the Mathew McKay book I recommended earlier.

 

McKay also has another book that you benefit from:

 

Product Details

Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life by Matthew McKay PhD, XXXXX XXXXX PhD and Patrick Fanning


This will help you keep from worrying so much.

THESE BOOKS DO HELP.

Thank you so much for working with me. Don't be turned off to therapy by one bad expereince. Not all theapists are great, and sometimes you have to find someone who you can feel comfortable with and work with him or her.

I wish you great success,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks. Yeah I'm not a fan of drugs. I guess I just need to work through things. I'll give the one book a shot. I think I'll get back to normal. Maybe I'm one of those who just needs time. 1 bad break up after a long term relationship then following another short term fling that ended kinda has given me a little bit of a rough start to the new year. I think I should just keep doing what I'm doing. Exercising, working out, working, and going out with friends will get me back to my good self.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
I think you will overcome this. Take the book seriously, keep working out, enjoying life, and don't worry about these overblown concerns. You are fine.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hey sorry to respond to this again. I've asked you for help a few weeks ago. It's worked out a lot better. I've been doing better. Not going to say 100% better. But better.

I occassionaly get the fear of doubt of my sexuality. I know I'm not gay. However, I get the "What IF' and it freaks me out. I think it was because a gay at work hit on me and I got the feeling of vomit, that is how I know I;m not.

I think a lot of this has to do with my ex putting me down. Saying I wasn't man enough. I ordered the book, haven't gotten it yet, but I also have been reading articles about anxiety and confidence. I don't mean to brag, but I've been dating a few women. Not proud that it's mulitple, but it's a step in the right direction (normally, want to settle down with just one).

I knoiw I'm a bit all over the place, but I was having intercourse with a girl today and I seemed to only be able to go a half hour finsihsed, and lost erection. COuld the masterbation be tied into before hand ? I',m just fearing some anxiety for next time. I don't know why I overthing certain things.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear friend.

No need to have a guilty conscience. You sound as if you are doing great. You are not gay. Perahps you are handsome, which is why the gay man hit on you. Fortunately several women are also attracted to you.

If you masturbate then you will lower your libido. If you "only" went for half an hour then you are doing great. Next time will be good as well. Don't masturbate beforehand. Unlike women who can have multiple orgasms, men cannot to the same degree.

You are doing very well. Keep up the good work, use the book when you get it, and enjoy yourself.

Congratulations on your improvement.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you. And is it normal to get these wierd (in my opinion disgusting) thoughts? Also, is it normal masturbation before sex, you can go "flacid" after a half hour?

I think I'm reading into it a little too much. I will say this: My confidence has been restored with women though. I think over the past few days, a few friends told me their cousins/friends all thought I was extremely attractive. So, obviously I'm building back up. I guess rough patches take time?


Thanks again.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear friend,

I am so glad to hear that you are restoring faith in yourself.

If you refrain from masturbating before sex then you will be able to remain virile for longer.

Rough patches can take time to heal but you seem to be op tjhe right track.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you. I just want to figure out. Why do you think I'm getting these repulsive thoughts? I know I'm being a bit of an annoyance. But I kinda wish my brain would just nix out these "disgusting gay thoughts". It's like the rare occasion I get them, my stomach like twists in knots and makes me ill. I never had them before my entire life until just recently the past couple weeks. I'm going to be 25.

Is it have to do with my break up issues to some sort? That's all I want to know . Thanks. I appreciate your help.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
You are a highly erotic person and have strong cravings for sexual satisfaction. That is why you masturbate before sex.

When you need to be physically stimulated, especially if you have been exposed to gay porn, being touched and brought to satisfaction by a person of the same gender does not seem so far-fetched to you.

There is a difference between having thoughts and taking action.

Breaking up makes you more anxious and anxiety is released by releasing sexual tension.

Erotic thoughts are not the same as erotic actions.

Don't worry about it. You are fine.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
That's te thing. I don't get aroused by these rare gay thoughts. I just don't know why I have them? Only by the photos of women and the presence of naked women.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Don't worry about it. You are not gay.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you. Think it just might be a wierd anxiety that will just go away?
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Definitely. You have no basis for this anxiey so it will just fade into oblivion. Anxiety can manifest in many different ways, and having repetitive thoughts that something may not be exactly right is one way that anxiety can manifest.

You will feel more and more like yourself.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks alot Elliot. Sorry that I've bothered you. looking forward to reading the self esteem book, and I'm not really a reader, so trying something new.

In the future, if I have any questions I'll request you. Great help.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Yeah, I think it will fade. I think it was just a fact, my confidence was down, and I figured in the factors of the "WHAT IF" Scenarios.

I mean, I'm 24 going to be 25. My entire life has been made up of dating women. That's all I've ever been interested in. Never once has this thought crossed my mind of self doubt.

I'm thinking the break up had the impact and drawing the what if's. I read articles that many guys go through this, especially after a tough break up. And the end result from 99% seemed it was just a phase that faded as they grew out of it, but never admitted they were having these odd thoughts, which I find disgusting. Not that I hate people who live that way, it's just not my cup of tea and never found it natural.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I will. I will add on more bonus as well.
It just helps me that I talk about it.

I think my self doubt is all due to fear that my "perfect ex GF" has moved on and found someone and I haven't. That has created the "what if i'm gay" fear or "what if I never find anyone" fear.

I mean, you can't just turn gay without ever thinking about it. All my life I did nothing but pursue women. This was my first long term relationship because I had some trust issues to commit long term. And when I did, it failed after a year and a half.

I'm getting that motivation to trust again, however it's off and on. I guess all the anxiety in my head, is coming back to "what if" I fail again at a relationship?

Am I right or wrong on all my points?
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
All relationships have problems. None are perfect. You are laboring under the believe that everything must be perfect or it is not good enough.

Your thinking is a bit obsessive and getting that workbook and doing the exercises will help you more than continuing to think about what is wrong.

Get the book and start to break the cycle.

When you are ready for the right one, you will commit to each other. You should work on your obsessive thoughts first however, as you will then be in a better frame of mind to succeed.

Let me recommend a second book (even if you have not ordered the first two yet):

It will also help you with obsessive thoughts:

The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder by Bruce M. Hyman PhD LCSW and Cherlene Pedrick RN

I wish you the best in breaking the habit of these thoughts as they may be keeping you from your romantic goals.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I mean, it's not like I have these thoughts 24/7. I want to meet these girls because I think it will get me back to where I was. Knowing a few things about them, we have common interests.

I really am a fun person. Do you not advise I meet them until I get these thoughts out of my head 100%?
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
You can do both, but you really should start working on yourself. I urge you to order the books tonight.

Best,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Books are ordered. You think this is just a phase that will be broken? I mean from the conversations we've had, it seems like I'm doing everything healthy.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
You are, but you need to get control of those obsessive thoughts and behaviors.

Getting the books was a great first start.

I have worked with many OCD clients. The ones online always keep righting back for reassurance and direction. I believe that you will work you way out of this. Follow the books.

God bless.


Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I will. Think writing in a journal will help until they get here? That idea just came to my head. As I'm re-reading my conversation, seeing it in writing if making me feel foolish. I fear of the "What if I'm Gay" Anxiety, even though it's something that turns me off with disgust, yet I'm pursuing and talking to other women, and get turned on and aroused by women.

I'm feeling foolish. I do know if the books and journaling dont help, I';m going to a psycholgist. However I don't think I'll need that. I've always been mentally tough. I played QB in football in HS, and tennis, two mentally tough sports and in clutch moments, I didn't flinch. That just doesn't go away. I know it's just a phase.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Keep working on it.

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hey, don't want to reopen this, but can I ask you a new question regarding things in a new forum/chat? Just so yoju can relate to my past question thanks
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Absolutely. Just ask for Elliott, LPCC and I will be available in less than an hour.

Warm regards,

Elliott

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