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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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The girl Ive seeing just move for school to the town I live

Customer Question

The girl I've seeing just move for school to the town I live in. And the moving was very difficult on her as she was trapped in a difficult situation living with her ex, who turned out to be someone that hurt her a lot, but she had no place to go,so for 2 months she had to stay there, where she suffered a lot, so she finally got able to move where I live. We talked and planed to be together and happy once she was here, but two weeks before moving she distanced her self from me, and now that she is here, (two weeks) she told me that she needs me to be her friend for the moment, and that she needs to solidify herself as she needed to move in unpack and find a job. I chose to respect that and she texts me everyday ans she calls at times, but she is behaving as a friend. I am very lost because I don't want to ask more about it for fear to upset her. But the lack of knowledge about what she is feeling is killing me. Can you please tell me what you think about this? I am very sad coz I miss her, I miss her hugs, and laughs, and kissing her and be able to spend more time with her as we did before she moved here. I miss my relationship. Please help.
Thank you for your time.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your girlfriend is very hurt and upset about what she had to go through living with her ex. If she was abused by him, that can affect her to the point that she is traumatized. And if so, it makes sense that she needs space in order to help her recover.

The fact that she still contacts you every day is a very good sign. She asked for time but yet she still shows her feelings for you through staying in contact. If she was going to break up with you, she would stop contacting you altogether. So the fact that she still shows interest is very good.

She also seems to know what she needs and how to take care of herself, which is also positive. She knows she will need to focus on getting herself settled and taking care of herself after what she has been through. This is also a very healthy sign.

Another good sign is her move to your town. If she had intentions of breaking up, she might have considered moving elsewhere. But she didn't. So that means she wants to be near you.

In all, it certainly sounds like your girlfriend is being honest with you about her needs. The fact that you are respecting her request is great. It shows her that you care about her which can only help her to feel good about your relationship.

Try to continue to be there for her during this time. Let her know you miss being closer to her, but try to do that in a way where you don't put pressure on her to do something about it. And if possible, send her things that show your feelings for her. Cards, flowers, etc all show how you feel and are things you can send without having contact directly with her. It will help brighten her day and to remind her how much you care.

I hope this helps you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much for your answer, I will give you a good rate, but I have a follow up question:
Should I ask her what is going on in her mind? I know that if she tells me what she is thinking and feeling it will be easier for me to do what she needs, I just can't operate in the dark, and that's the main problem, uncertainty plays awful games in my mind. I have not done this for fear to upset her or make her feel pressured. What do you think?
Thank you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome!

You can certainly ask her what she is feeling. You might want to tell her that you understand she went through a difficult time and that you care about how she is coping with it all. If you make a connection to her by addressing a certain issue, she might be more willing to open up, especially if you are caring and gentle. Doing this alone has to be hard on her, even if she doesn't realize it.

It is difficult to know how to be with her if you do not know what she is thinking and feeling. But if she does not want to talk about it, she can let you know when you ask.

Kate
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
I hope this was helpful to you. I have to sign off for now but if you do have any more questions, I will respond as soon as possible.

Kate







May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you very much for the positive rating and bonus. I appreciate it!

My best to you and your girlfriend,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you but what about the last question I sent you? Did you receive it?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
No I didn't. Sorry. That happens sometimes on Just Answer. Can you try to resend it?

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Sure, thanks again, what I asked you was that, if you really think that once she is settled here and I do what she ask, will she want to go back to how we were? The thing is that I have only seen her once since she moved here, and we had a great day, we did not hold hands nor kissed, tho when walking she would hold my arm, and at one point out of the blue she gave me a kiss on the chick, and then spontanuosly, we sort of hold hands for a few seconds and then the both of us let go. Then she even let me hold her while she took a nap in my living room. Basically the day was all about how good we feel in each other presence as both mentioned it several times. But since then, (5 days) she has not shown eagerness to see me during the week. She text set and calls, but that's it. I am contradicted by the day that we had, and these past 5 and how she is right now. She is 27 and I am 29 just so you know more about us.
Thanks!
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome! I'm happy to help.

It sounds like she is trying to ease back into being close to someone. From her perspective, she probably has been traumatized by her last relationship and even became trapped trying to get out. That can shake up anyone. Although she really seems to have good feelings about you and your relationship, she may still feel scared or upset. Therefore, it might take her some time to be able to be in contact on a regular basis. And consider that if she did feel anything different than she was telling you, she would not have acted as she did on the day you were together nor would she be texting you. So if you give her some time and keep up what you are doing, she should come around soon. It may help to ask her if there is anything you can do to help her feel more comfortable in your relationship, or in general.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks Kate, i am just very scared that she is friend zoning me for good, but if you pick her behavior as positive and good, I might try to hold her hand next time I see her and see what happens, I just need to be very careful with my plan of action so I can let her feel safe, and not pressured at the same time while I tell her that I miss her and our relationship, where I am still in the position she asked me to be.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
That sounds like a good idea. It is not an easy balance with showing affection and keeping the right amount of distance, but it sounds like you have her best interest in mind. And she seems to care a lot about you so that should help.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Yes I have been fighting for her for over a year, but the distance was too much for her, so once I moved to a place closer to her she looked for me asking for a new try, and we were doing amazing until she began the moving process. I am very much in love with her, which is something that I have not dare to say to her yet, mainly with the current conditions in which we are. So yes, I am trying to do my very best to be there for her and make her feel how much she means to me. I am so sorry for being like this and taking so much of your time, but this is also a new town for me and I have no friends to talk about this. So before I let you go about your day, is there any thing else that you would recommend in the manner that I should approach her with what I mentioned in my previous message? That is telling her that I miss her and our relationship but that I will remain doing what she asked and that there is no pressure on her, but that I just needed to say this because I have feelings too.

Thanks again
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome! Try what we talked about and see how she reacts. You don't want to do more than something very simple. Doing more might scare her off. A simple inquiry and reassurance should get your message across.

Take care,

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Will do, thanks, you made me feel a bit more easy now.
I might come back to see you again soon.

Take care.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
I'm glad I could help! Take care.

Kate

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