HI PENNY. SORRY, NOT SURE HOW TO TURN OFF CAPS. HE IS DEFINATELY AWARE OF MY FRUSTRATION. WE ARE CONSIDERING MARRIAGE COUNSELING. I AM CONCERNED I AM EMASCULATING HIM BY BEING THE BREAD WINNER AND SHOWING FRUSTRATION. I THINK IF THIS IS NOT CHANGING, I HAVE TO LEAVE. CAN'T HANDLE THE UPS AND DOWNS ANYMORE. I FEEL LIKE I AM CARRYING A PIANO ON MY BACK AND ALL HE DOES IS HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME TO COME IN WITH IT. DOES THIS ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?
Hi, thank you for replying.
I answered from my phone, but not sure if it has gone through.
To answer your question, I am sure he is quite aware of my frustration. To the point that I worry whether I am emasculating him since I am the bread winner.
If he does not change, I don`t see how I can stand the ups and downs of the relationship for the rest of my life. I feel like I am carrying a piano on my shoulders and he is only holding the door open for me to enter. I have been unhappy for many years and living in uncertainty as we never know where we will be as far as him working in 3 months for now. I have always passed on job offers out of state due to him not knowing if he can easily find a job elsewhere as he recognizes he has a hard time with it. So, when I say he is holding me back, this is an example.
He could change by tacking his dyslexia problem. We both believe he has it and I have asked him to go get a diagnosis in order to possibly intervene. He could finish his last year of university and get a degree, he could stay in one single career (it is I.T now) and develop himself in it. He could apply for jobs in different companies which he does not do a lot for someone who is possibly without a job after June.
Hope I was able to answer. Thank you again.
Hello there, thanks for clarifying your frustrations aboutyour relationship with your husband.
It is very hard to feel that you are caring most of theweight in your marriage. I can't evenimagine the frustration you are going through wondering if your husband willever put 100% in the marriage. As forthe dyslexia, you are right he can be diagnosed and his job has to provide accommodationsdo to the disability act. I am also aperson with dyslexia and I know that people with the disorder can hold a greatjob and be successful at their field.
I think what you want to do is clear. I suggest that yougive your husband a deadline as when you want for him to achieve some of thechanges you would like to see. Then evaluate if you see the changes you want.
You can start by telling him how you love him and what youappreciate about him and your relationship. You can also say how unhappy youhave become and you are growing resentful , feeling overwhelmed by all you haveto do, and you fear he is holding you back on your own career. Ask him to giveyou a summary of what he heard you say. Sometimes people think they hear whatwe say but they do not.
Make sure he knows your plans if things do not change. As him if he wants to change and meet you half way. Ask him to be honest about his intentions on staying in one job giving this all he has.
I am not sure if he is ready to change and I am think you are clear that you want out of this marriage if he does not change. I think seeing a family therapist can help both of you if you have insurance. Even if you find out things will not work outit will be a good way to figure this out in therapy and end the relationship infriendly terms.
I also thought of your talking about emasculating your husband by being the bread winner. I think it is hard to feel sexual around him when this happens and eventually this will affect your sexual relationship with him. He has to work on winning your respect. You have to feel that someone will be there to take care of you if you can't work and provide. Those are big issues that you both need to work on together.
Thank you so much for the follow up.
We started couple`s therapy and on the first time around he was able to open up about his difficulty of not providing. It was actually very helpful as I don`t believe we have ever communicated in that way.
He expressed he has always felt really bad and that I have always made it very clear on how I don`t like making more money than him. He explained very emotionally how hurtful that`s been in our marriage.
I was able to connect with him and understand in depth a little more of our many issues. Meanwhile, he has been offered a new job position that makes our future much brighter than what we had before.
His persistence and determination, although it is at his on pace, mean a lot to me.
We will continue to go to couple`s therapy and try to get to the bottom of our resentment and keep trying. At this point, I have reached a level in my marriage where I have never been before and am very hopeful and willing to invest in it.
Thank you again for the follow up. It is really hard to find your way alone sometimes and make sense of any decisions one must make.
Have a great weekend.
Hello Silmara, I am very happy to hear that couples therapy is working well for both of you. It has been a pleasure working with you. I am glad your husband is openning up in therapy. Thanks so much for the update.