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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 394
Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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My husband of 11 years has been in career transition since

Customer Question

My husband of 11 years has been in career transition since day 1. He has always worked hard, sometimes 2 jobs, but has always been transitioning between careers which always sets us back financially. (Changed majors several times in college, changed fields at work where he always has to start from scratch) I too work and have always done so. I had similar challenges as him: jobs I didn`t like, going back to work while breastfeeding our baby and having to adapt, etc. I have endured through some undesirable career paths in order to get where I am at today. We have an 8 year old son together.

After 11 years, i feel like we should be moving forward, but I feel that I am always getting set back trying to make up for what he is not bringing home(whether benefits or pay). I don`t need him to go out there and make the big bucks, that`s not what I am asking for. I am willing to continue to work, but I feel that he takes advantage that he can always rely on me to fall on instead of taking the supporting responsibilities of supporting a family as a man. He is mostly a great husband on everything else and I do love him. He is a great dad, but I`m getting tired of not being able to buy a house, due to not knowing if they will or not extend his contract next month. I wonder if I need to love and respect myself prior to honoring our marriage vows. At this time, he does not have a job lined up and his contract ends in 2 weeks. We have talked about this and his response is basically "I`m trying".
I have been unhappy with this situation for many years, always waiting for the next step in out lives and it just never happens. I am really considering pulling the plug as I feel like I can only depend on myself and am lacking admiration for him at this point.
Not sure if that`s the right thing to do. I do feel attracted to him, sex is good and I love our little family unit. Please advise.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.
Hello there and thanks for asking JA. I can hear your frustration when I read what you wrote. I wonder if you husband would be open to going to couples therapy. I get the feeling that your husband does not realize how frustrated you are and that you are thinking about leaving the marriage. I wonder if there a way to communicate your feelings and frustrations. I have a question for you. What would happen if your husband did not change? Also if he changed what changes would you like to see?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

HI PENNY. SORRY, NOT SURE HOW TO TURN OFF CAPS. HE IS DEFINATELY AWARE OF MY FRUSTRATION. WE ARE CONSIDERING MARRIAGE COUNSELING. I AM CONCERNED I AM EMASCULATING HIM BY BEING THE BREAD WINNER AND SHOWING FRUSTRATION. I THINK IF THIS IS NOT CHANGING, I HAVE TO LEAVE. CAN'T HANDLE THE UPS AND DOWNS ANYMORE. I FEEL LIKE I AM CARRYING A PIANO ON MY BACK AND ALL HE DOES IS HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME TO COME IN WITH IT. DOES THIS ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi, thank you for replying.


 


I answered from my phone, but not sure if it has gone through.


 


To answer your question, I am sure he is quite aware of my frustration. To the point that I worry whether I am emasculating him since I am the bread winner.


 


If he does not change, I don`t see how I can stand the ups and downs of the relationship for the rest of my life. I feel like I am carrying a piano on my shoulders and he is only holding the door open for me to enter. I have been unhappy for many years and living in uncertainty as we never know where we will be as far as him working in 3 months for now. I have always passed on job offers out of state due to him not knowing if he can easily find a job elsewhere as he recognizes he has a hard time with it. So, when I say he is holding me back, this is an example.


 


He could change by tacking his dyslexia problem. We both believe he has it and I have asked him to go get a diagnosis in order to possibly intervene. He could finish his last year of university and get a degree, he could stay in one single career (it is I.T now) and develop himself in it. He could apply for jobs in different companies which he does not do a lot for someone who is possibly without a job after June.


 


Hope I was able to answer. Thank you again.


 

Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.


Hello there, thanks for clarifying your frustrations about
your relationship with your husband.

It is very hard to feel that you are caring most of the
weight in your marriage. I can't even
imagine the frustration you are going through wondering if your husband will
ever put 100% in the marriage. As for
the dyslexia, you are right he can be diagnosed and his job has to provide accommodations
do to the disability act. I am also a
person with dyslexia and I know that people with the disorder can hold a great
job and be successful at their field.



I think what you want to do is clear. I suggest that you
give your husband a deadline as when you want for him to achieve some of the
changes you would like to see. Then evaluate if you see the changes you want.

You can start by telling him how you love him and what you
appreciate about him and your relationship. You can also say how unhappy you
have become and you are growing resentful , feeling overwhelmed by all you have
to do, and you fear he is holding you back on your own career. Ask him to give
you a summary of what he heard you say. Sometimes people think they hear what
we say but they do not.

Make sure he knows your plans if things do not change. As him if he wants to change and meet you half way. Ask him to be honest about his intentions on staying in one job giving this all he has.



I am not sure if he is ready to change and I am think you are clear that you want out of this marriage if he does not change. I think seeing a family therapist can help both of you if you have insurance. Even if you find out things will not work out
it will be a good way to figure this out in therapy and end the relationship in
friendly terms.






Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.

I also thought of your talking about emasculating your husband by being the bread winner. I think it is hard to feel sexual around him when this happens and eventually this will affect your sexual relationship with him. He has to work on winning your respect. You have to feel that someone will be there to take care of you if you can't work and provide. Those are big issues that you both need to work on together.

Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 394
Experience: I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
Penny Rayas, MFT and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.
Dear Sally,
I would like to know how things are going for you. Did you have the conversation with your husband? How did it go? Let me know if you have any questions you need answered.
Penny
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you so much for the follow up.


 


We started couple`s therapy and on the first time around he was able to open up about his difficulty of not providing. It was actually very helpful as I don`t believe we have ever communicated in that way.


 


He expressed he has always felt really bad and that I have always made it very clear on how I don`t like making more money than him. He explained very emotionally how hurtful that`s been in our marriage.



 


I was able to connect with him and understand in depth a little more of our many issues. Meanwhile, he has been offered a new job position that makes our future much brighter than what we had before.


 


His persistence and determination, although it is at his on pace, mean a lot to me.


 


We will continue to go to couple`s therapy and try to get to the bottom of our resentment and keep trying. At this point, I have reached a level in my marriage where I have never been before and am very hopeful and willing to invest in it.


 


Thank you again for the follow up. It is really hard to find your way alone sometimes and make sense of any decisions one must make.


 


Have a great weekend.


 


Silmara


Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.

Hello Silmara, I am very happy to hear that couples therapy is working well for both of you. It has been a pleasure working with you. I am glad your husband is openning up in therapy. Thanks so much for the update.

Penny

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