I must write the truth down and tell it to someone :) That is how I feel right now. The truth is I have been failing for some time establish relationships or friendships with new people. It is frustrating to me since it seems some of these struggles may be occurring due to influences from my family, current relationship with them and my lack of a solid support system. I also have never personally been naturally motivated or really felt the confidence to commit to a personal relationship with new people. The only time I can think of when I was open was as a freshman in college. I was very free and open minded at the time (was also on paxil-bad side effects though).
In college, I definitely interacted with many people and was well liked. I was in a long term relationship with someone for years and am now her best friend. She is in a slightly complicated position with me as we help each other out even though we are not together as a couple. I lend her money if she is in a bind and she provides companionship for me when we hang out. We enjoy the time we spend together.
It's interesting since I am always able to go out places even by myself. Whether it is the beach, nightclub, mall, wherever. It's hard for me to admit this, but I wonder if I am always holding back slightly. It's hard for me to understand why. I wonder sometimes if its from the influences of my family or my turbulent years before college.
There are two people in my life who are definitely overbearing. My mother and my bother. Unfortunately, they are a part of my support system or people I talk too. It's difficult, but the probable best thing I should do is replace the role of these two individuals. It's hard for me to do that since my mother is a great person, but is in our business way to much. My brother is simply needy and that is toxic in itself.
I live by myself in my own apartment I guess that’s why sometimes I just have the urge to talk with someone even if they probably aren't the best influence on me. It would be hard for me to let go of my ex who is now a close friend of mine.
My ideal goal would be to have a few set friends and be able to explore new relationships. I wonder if you have any insight or advice for someone in this type of situation ? Any book that in particular could help?
I know that's asking a lot, don't expect anyone to solve my personal conundrum in one response haha