Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.
I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. You are clearly a kind and caring person. And on the one hand, you are trying to be as nice as you can and you hope this will help the situation. On the other hand, it is so frustrating that it doesn't seem to matter how nice you are and how many times you say you're sorry or be compliant, he keeps repeating the same behavior.
And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. His behavior is not because of something about you, which you recognize. But you need to also recognize that his behavior is now an ingrained behavior pattern. It's his patter, his way of being. And to change it would take a very concerted effort on his part to look into the causes of his behavior and deal with the underlying problems that have created this pattern.
I, of course, can't diagnose any specific issues without actually doing some initial therapy with him. There are many possibilities: one would be that this is characterological, meaning it is built into his personality traits. Another is that these behaviors, this pattern, is based on past trauma, a type of long term reaction. Another is that there may be a slight developmental problem in his social and emotional development that has been there throughout his life. And there are other possibilities as well.
No matter what is actually driving his behavior pattern, though, I hope you can see now that to change it would be difficult for him even with commitment on his part to change. And getting him to have commitment to change behavior patterns that are so entrenched in his life at this stage and age can be very difficult.
It may be more practical, if you are going to maintain the relationship, for you to accept this is who he is. Then you can try to see if fine tuning your responses makes it just a little bit easier. But not expecting big changes or for him to be very different than how he is now.
I wish it were different. You sound like you really are a very giving person and are trying very hard. But it sounds as though he has these problems and they are part of him, so if you take him, you're taking the problems with him.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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