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hi I have a 7 year old son and a 4 year old daugher. I am recently separated from his father. We are trying to work it out. He lives in Durban, I live now in PMB two different cities 45 minutes apart. Father has no rules. Kids play games and watch movies most of the time. He takes my son on alternate weekends. When my son returns he is disruptive, does not listen, pays no attention in school. Father gives him toys and money to spend over the week. I have rules, bed at 8, 1 hour TV a day. Treat if he does and behave well. Like movies or a game to play. He is now acting up. What do i do. I have spoken to the father who says he will do what he wants and that the child does not want to stay with me. The child on occasion has said he does not want to stay with his father and some times not with me. he does not like his father. Father says i am making his son a mummies boy. My son is not allowed to touch, hug or kiss me in front of his father. I must not show any affection to my son and make him a man. his father is temperamental and gets angry for everything. When he phones i must answer same time not a minute later. Please help.
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Hi thank you
Hi, You're very welcome.
Thank you for joining the chat.
I am very sorry to know about your situation, which is very concerning without doubt, because it shows how neglectful and irresponsible your children\s father has become, showing no healthy parental skills at all, and very abusive ways towards you. Sadly, as long as he has physical and legal custodial rights, he could continue doing things the way he wants, even more if he find he could control, impact or retaliate using him-them.
The first step I suggest you to take is to get very well informed, knowledgeable about everything related to the legal norms and law regulating custody of children for separated-divorced parents. A competent attorney and the family court are the sources of support you need to consider to achieve it. Being aware of the law, you would know what to do in order to prevent as much as possible any form of neglect or abuse by their father, and when you could take actions in order to protect them supported by the legal system there. But until you get a chance to appeal to the support from the legal system, you need to come to terms with the fact that there is nothing you could do to control your husband, nor his choices and actions around your children, which unhappily include all the spoiling and neglect he could expose them to, which are obviously seriously destructive and unacceptable but real.
How can i help my son. My daughter is to small. My husband and his family is trying negatively to influence the children against me and my family. On occasion telling the children where they stay is not good and healthy for them. We try at home at all cost not to talk negatively about my husband and his family. We do not pick sides or make the children pick sides. We always relaid to the children that their father cares for them and that they must not stop loving him. He and his family does the opposite, being verbally abusive to me. Express how dumb and stupid i am. I am a educated person, who has held a stable job for 19 years and am in a position of authority. If i can help my son i am will to try any thing. i know i cannot change his dad. I want his dad to see a psychologist but he refused.
The best you can do is to commit to raise and support your children with wisdom, affection, healthy discipline and affection, setting boundaries and limits, and constantly and assertively teaching them what is fine good and worthy, and what is unacceptable and destructive. For sure this is being terribly conflicting for them, since there is nothing that having parents pushing them to two opposite directions, and sadly, the most appealing one for children always uses to be the wrong, unhealthy approach, since it gives them the impression that the are being loved and accepted and supported much more, because of the lack of responsibility and all the material things they get from parent. This pushes your children against you, making the think and feel like you were the enemy, the bad gut-parent.
As you see, this is pure abuse and manipulation, and your words just confirm what dysfunctional and insensitive not only him, but his family could get, totally disregarding the damage they inflict in your son, using and abusing him to retaliate against you, this is why I made a core point for you to become familiar with what the law says, your own and your children's rights, since as you said, he will not change at all, if he is not mature, respectful and caring enough as an individual, even less having a family enabling and empowering the abuse and neglect. Only if he happens to acknowledge reality, taking full responsibility for his actions, and looks for professional support to work on changing, he would have a chance for becoming a healthier human being and parent, otherwise it would not happen, and time would only make things worse, and you do not want to afford your children to become the first helpless victims of him and his family.
You are right and wise not saying negative things about their father, that's the way it should always be, but it does not mean you should not educate your child and make it clear when something he learned or was taught by his father or father's family is wrong, otherwise he would not have a chance to learn, develop and grow as a healthy person.
Thank you very much for your advice. I will try my best to get him to see Psychologist and take it from there. You have been very helpful.
Again, this is far from ideal but is reality and should be addressed with all the responsibility, assertiveness and proactiveness possible.
Thank you for your time.
You're very welcome. I truly hope this situation improves. Please get all the right support you need and deserve from your caring family. close friends and from professionals.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX now and please feel free to contact me back for any further support, since I'd love to follow up and see how things evolve.