I would like to help you with your question.
I'm sorry that your initial question has been lost as Camille indicates. Still..if you are open I would like to help you today.
I can understand how baffling it is to think that you were so willing to have your life end. One would think that your survival instincts would have kicked in and you would have fought to live.
What happens in life and death situations is that our normal ability to process information, to reason, and to be fully aware of our surroundings gets shut down. This is because we go into shock and are primate response system leads us to fight, flight, freeze, or appease.
In your case...your response was to freeze and to be in a place of acceptance. Remember that this is a near instantaneous process...the body finds itself in trouble...the body reacts. There is little, if any, time to think through what action to take.
Since fight, flight, freeze, appease is a response mechanism, it might be helpful for you to think about other times when you felt threatened, were in harms way, or otherwise in jeopardy and to consider what you did
in those instances. Did you also freeze? Did you fight? What was similar or different from the lanyard incident?
I await your response.