Should I also disown my family of origin? They disowned me first The worst enemies to have are actually family members. They know how to push your buttons because they used to live with you or grew up with you. And what suggestions do you have to get rid of my new feelings of extreme homicidal-anger towards them? 1st time this yr: image of shooting parents on couch
After you get over your alarm, I hope you don't get judgemental too. I don't think those who actually commit murders would confess beforehand and so clearly about intentions. It's my description of how I feel because I never knew my great anger would get even deeper. It wasn't easy to actually use that word in such a public place. But I have not had anyone to talk to for months. (I can't tell a church-going psychiatrist associate I know because I don't think his jealous psychologist-atheist wife would allow him to help; she's suspicious of all his friends and yelled at me). I can't afford a non-friend psychologist either; besides, about 80% of the psychologists I've met either casually or professionally turned out to be hard to get along with, rude & judgemental or more emotional than I am, or less knowledgeable with boxed-in rigid thinking
By anger, I don't mean repressed anger that some counselling clients might not be aware of. I am much more self-aware than most people. By "anger" I do mean the times when blood pressure & heart rate go up while you just so hate a person that you want to leave, or tell them to get out, or you want to slam a door. The kind that cannot physiologically be maintained 24/7 but can flare up when the trigger occurs or when thinking about the person or the unjust event. At night though, it is hard to control it. Watching TV or playing computer chess doesn't always help. I can't go out jogging even though I think exercise is good for calming down. (I could jog on-the-spot indoors).
I don't have anger mismanagement issues or a short fuse. Anyone can tell you I'm a patient and very quiet person but who can be assertive on occasions. Problem is when I eventually calm down, the thoughts & issues that caused the great anger are unresolved.
I don't think there will be any peaceful resolution simply because the family members involved don't think they have a problem. They have made me the black sheep since I was a teen. My parents in particular believe they are never at fault and that it is weak to apologise to anyone. He was a violent alcoholic who punched at whim, and she was a manipulative & sometimes slapping bitch, out of frustration. He disowned me when I was 17, just before he kicked me out of their home. She simply said, while carelessly crossing the road ahead of me, "don't call me 'mum' when we get there' in 2002 (We were going to a restaurant in the casino where she had been expelled for stealing someone's chips. She was planning to go to the actual gaming rooms afterward. That was a Freudian slip because I don't see how identifying her real name in public would stop the bouncers from telling her to leave). Are they sociopathic?
I've actually had very little to do with them over the years because they have all shunned and ex-communicated me. It's sometimes been lonely. They don't really know me. Why do they continue to despise and exclude me, and gossip lies about me even when some have not seen me for 12 years? Helen is behind it all. There's no room to give enough examples but all of them were exasperatingly petty or imagined offenses that they perceived based on their twisted prejudice of me. Helen blames me for some of her own choices. She started all the maligning and lies about me since I was 14 or 15 when we argued about why she would favor the younger siblings. (I have an older sister whom she also abused emotionally and verbally; Helen hates me more because she knows I'm smarter and would occasionally stand up to her disrespectful or hurtful behaviors and criticisms) It's like we've all been on a yacht & the parents threw me and my older sister over without lifejackets while jeering us to try and swim back. Meanwhile the favoured sisters are in denial & have been lucky in love and careers
I just want to make a decision. But I feel guilty about cutting them off. In the past I was forgiving. But the events in Feb were new: my older sis, who was jealous of me for all her life since I was 4 & she was 10, suddenly made contact after 9yrs, all apologetic (I'm still sympathetic but angry towards her); then 2mths later she got abusive & insulting again because she blames me for how the parents treated her.
That all coincided with the parents insulting my 18y.o niece with gossip that she's a lesbian just because she has a bff but no boyfriend AND they fear she might be a loser like me just for staying up late - that all really reminded me of when I was 17 when dad made me homeless. Years of counselling won't help; I've tried. I just want to settle it in my mind without guilt or hate but worry what to do if any should ever contact me again in the future for any reason