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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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I am feeling pretty bummed out right now.I am feeling stuck

Resolved Question:

I am feeling pretty bummed out right now.I am feeling stuck in an endless battle with an addict that works for our neighborhood and to whom I have been having been paying his rent every week in a converted motel to an apartment complex for a couple of months.He got paid $90 yesterday for doing the lawn of 4 neighbors and he works very hard for his money,but he can not hang onto it long enough.He says that he only has $3 to his name today after buying groceries.I believe him.He has worked this neighborhood for 15 years now,starting with my late father.I find myself paying for his groceries and when we eat breakfast before he starts his day somewhere.I babysit his puppy,so I am locked into dealing with him daily most of the time.I am not free to go out of town too much,but he understands that I travel monthly usually to my daughter's and her family for 4 days.We help sit and clean,run errands,etc.
I have good friends but they are all poor and it gets depressing.One leans on me for work,one seems like that she does not try hard enough to help themselves and is going into foreclosure.My ex-husband,of which is going on 24 years now, is still a dependant and his parents are filthy rich and will not help.I am having a pity party right now and wondered if you had any good advice.The neighborhood gardener is starting to short me as many hours as he needs to work off his fare.I am feeling like I wish to escape these predictiments,but there is no escape unless I move into a gated community.I do have a brother and sister in the neighborhood and they are not mooches of any kind.They have utilized Matt but has given up wanting his help with their yards. Matt is helping me largely with redecorating my place and he enjoys the air conditioning for a change.I do empathize with his need to spend money anyway that he sees fit,but I surely do not need another bum on my dole.Let's face it, he can not work forever either,so unless I have a large piece of property where he can live in a camper one day,how is he to retire?Matt has a personality disorder where he cusses profusely,loves to use women for sex,wholly admits to a pot addition and once use to be into crack alot. Who would wish to help set himself up on their property too?!!
Thanks for your advise.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

Wow! I can understand why you are having a pity party! There certainly are way too many people in your life who lean on you and expect to be taken care of. Do you have any idea why this is happening to you?

Dr. L :

What stops you from kicking one or more of these people to the curb and telling them to grow up and stand on their own two feet?

Dr. L :

Yes..you are being used.

Dr. L :

If you want to stop this from continuing, then you will have to be the one who starts saying NO. Otherwise, this will continue forever.

Dr. L :

Helping others, looking out for the unfortunate, being generous are good attributes. But when others consistently take advantage of us then we get harmed in the process. What needs to happen in your case is for you to set boundaries with these people. Boundaries that protect you from being used...and still allow you to be kind, caring, and compassionate.

Dr. L :

Matt is not your responsibility. If he needs help with his addiction, with budgeting, etc. then help him to find a social service agencies in your community who can help address these aspects of his life. May be he qualifies for food stamps or other federal, state, or local assistance. The social service agency can determine this and help him file the proper documents.

Dr. L :

Your ex-husband is not your responsibility. If he can't get his life together...then that's his problem and you should not longer feel obligated to be his #1 support person.

Dr. L :

You can set a boundary with him about how much you are willing to invest in his life. After all, YOU have a life to live!

Dr. L :

You wrote that you travel monthly to see your daughter and her family. Great! But it also sounded that you felt guilty going because Matt would not have you to feed him and take care of his puppy. Enough. Your daughter and family should take precedence over Matt. As I said, get Matt involved with a social service agency so that you can get your life back!

Dr. L :

Boundaries. That is what you are needing here so that you can disconnect from the users and moochers.

Dr. L :

I await your response.

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX that advice.I care about Mike and Matt so it is hard to not do as much as I can but you are right about it not being good for and to me.I did help Matt get food stamps allotted for him yesterday.He now has a new license with his current address.He has been set up for an appointment to get substidized housing;but unfortunately,the social service provider, Tan, said that dogs are not allowed.I can not ask him to give up his beloved puppy.I have to admit, I largely keep the puppy outside since I can not seem to break his bad habits of urinating and defecating in the house,not to mention that he chew things up sometimes.It rained almost non-stop yesterday and I allowed him to stay inside.I just lost some parts to a small office related item.It was a small ticket item.Matt and I will go through the process next week, I hope so anyway, and see where it gets him.Perhaps they will have a heart for a dog that he has cared for months now.Perhaps it will get him on the list so he need not struggle so much next winter when there is nothing to cut or trim which is his main source of income.I have been a social worker for Mike about 26 years and one for Matt about 15 years.I have to admit that it gets old and I get alittle depressed having to sit such personality disorders.I kind of would like my daughter and her family to rescue me but I do not wish to cause them any discord.I do have my brother and sister in this neighborhood and we have been sitting Matt every since our late father introduced us to Matt as his lawn care service provider. It is nothing new and my sister refuses to use Matt anymore and my brother says that he comes over some,but for the most part, he stays away.

Customer:

What agency does this kind of work for Matt where I need not keep up with his birth certificate,copies of his social security number,current ID copy,etc?I do not really wish to sell my home, or even to feel compelled that I must move to get away from this dilemma,but it seems like the only way sometimes.I just try to keep hanging in there.Thank you.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I am glad that my words were encouraging to you and that you were able to get some public assistance for Matt. His Social Worker should be the one to keep his vital records.Or, you may want to talk to Matt about getting a security box at a local bank. That way all his papers can be stored their for future access.

Dr. L :

You have been a wonderful support person for Matt. But now it is time for you to take care of yourself and begin to enjoy life without having to worry about his future. If you want your daughter to rescue you...why don't you tell her how burdened you are feeling and how much you need to get away from these pressures?

Dr. L :

I can only imagine how difficult it is to think about selling your home...particularly if the major reason is to escape this responsibility...however, you deserve to have a leisurely life and to put away the social worker hat you have been wearing all these years!

Dr. L :

You have done your part for humanity! Let the social service provider take over from here.

Dr. L :

It is your time to enjoy your life.

Dr. L :

Take care.

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. L and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX I have to be there for my daughter and her family in the least.I will try and save up money for whenever they need it,like as her sister-in-law is moving in with them and she is a single mom of two.I'll try and be ready for being their maid and cook in the least and relieve them of child care some.I try and stay positive but find it is a battle sometimes,but for the most part, I am forever grateful for what I have right now.Thank you for your help.

I make up good dishes here in my house ans defrost when they come into town and I have a nice house for them to do lots of things here.I can send the homstyle dishes in a refrigerated cooler and send them to Miami.

Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.
Hello...
You are a caring and considerate mother...and a good soul.
Please think about self-care too...about doing things that are all about you enjoying life, having fun, and relaxing.

Take care!
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. L and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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