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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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Hi Jean. So after much thought last night, I decided not to

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Hi Jean. So after much thought last night, I decided not to allow my ex to pick me up and made arrangements with a private nursing service. Don't really need nursing, but they will escort me home and make sure I am comfortable. I was about to call my ex
to tell him, thank you but no, when he sends me a text message to ask how I was doing. I said I was okay, just a busy work day and am focusing on a report for my boss. I then expected him a reply along the lines of "OK. Glad to hear you are busy" or " I'm
still here for you if you need me" or "Any decision yet about me picking you up.? The reply I got back was "OK" That's it.- just "OK". This really pissed me off as that is so typical of him. He wanted so much to be here for me, to comfort me and I get back
an "OK". Not sure if he was waiting for me to say something, but he is a grown man, if he in fact really wanted to be here to for me, to comfort me and help me through this difficult time is it unreasonable for me to think that he would reiterate his intention?
Its like he WANTED me to ask him if he was okay. He could be in one of his down moods, but just shows that he cant even be here for me when he said he would.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Hello,
Good to hear from you. Sorry to keep you waiting. It sounds like his "ok" triggered some things, things that have troubled you in the relationship. Like you said, heard him say that he was thinking more about himself, as usual, sort of thing.
It's upsetting to you and more so because you are still reeling from the break up in the first place. Him inviting himself back in the form of a "ride and support", reopens those wounds that need time to heal. There also may have been a quiet little hope within you that he had made a change- a change to show more care and concern for you. His "ok" may be a reminder that he's still quite focused on himself.
I understand why you would decline his invite to take you. Taking that step, making a stand that you can take care of yourself- to feel empowered. Angry, yes, as well as hurt and disappointed, I bet.
His "ok" was possibly his man pride talking too, doesn't want to have to "beg". You are right, not too much to expect that he would reiterate his intentions of wanting to help you- that it means enough for him to be persistent. It sounds like he's let you down all over again- that hurts- as did the break up in the first place.
Have you had the opportunity to tell him, "thanks but no thanks"?
I'm off line again for a bit, will check back asap for your response to my post.
Jean
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks Jean. The last time I spoke to him I said I was still deciding what I was going to do and that I would get back to him. Just minutes before I was to call he sent me the text. Also bothers me, that we are not teenagers. Pick up the phone and call me. Say "I am here for you, I want to take care of you, Can I please pick you up!"Since I knew he would be seeing his psychiatrist today, I had hoped that when he returned he would have reached out to me. Oddly enough, all he did was initiate a move on the online game we play. I didn't play back. You are correct, he did trigger something in me. All he talked about was his pain/depression, his problems, his crazy siblings (although he is an enabler). And yes, he has been there for me before when I needed him, but he is so self-absorbed in his own shit that he cant see past it. To your point, I think the fact that I did not rush to accept his offer has left him somewhat puzzled and he is probably feeling sorry for himself or maybe relieved! If the situation was reversed, I would have handled it differently. Curious to see if I hear from him again before the surgery on Thursday. Just a thought - is it a possibility that his psychiatrist told him "you made the offer so if she wants your help it is up to her to reach out to you"?
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Hard to say what his Dr. said. If anything, because as I recall dr. thought he was being "hasty", he would have encouraged him to be up front and honest with you. Like you said, be an adult and speak what he wants, or that he wants to help you. He has told you in a couple texts that he wanted to help as I recall.
It's understandable that you question his motives, mistrust him. Trust that mistrust and uncertainty is there to protect you from further hurt. Yes, look at this with curiosity "I wonder how this will turn out". You certainly could say to him "hey you give up way too easy for I guy that says it means a lot to him to help me" or plain and simple: "I'm CONFUSED about your intentions in all of this". Certainly saying little and allowing him to have to "work" at getting your "attention" is ok too. No easy way on this one. The beauty is, you do have choices, and saying "thanks but no thanks" as much as it hurts, is a statement of being empowerment.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you. I am going to stick to my plan. If he reaches out to me before Thursday, then he does. I will still say no thank-you. If he doesn't, then I will know his gesture was to alleviate his guilt and was motivated by a sense of obligation. I realized after my father passed away that you know who your true friends are by their actions, especially when you need them the most. He can say whatever he wants. If he truly wanted to be here for me, then it would encompass more than a text or two. I will keep you updated!
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Yes, be strong, you have to put your warrior hat on, be brave, and march forward. He's losing a good woman I'm sure of that! His loss, and there are good things ahead for you. It takes time to work through this grief/loss, hurt, etc. and there is HOPE. I picture you holding your head high, shoulders back and saying "no thank you" and walking on!! Best wishes as you recover emotionally and physically. Yes keep me posted.
The best to you,
Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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Jean
Jean
Psychotherapist
332 Satisfied Customers
Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)