How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. L Your Own Question

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
63993671
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Dr. L is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I am a virgin and i don;t know what happened and i called up

Customer Question

I am a virgin and i don;t know what happened and i called up a "call girl" or "escort" she was young (around 20) and i am 30. I am feeling guilty that i payed for this stuff and as this was my first time i feel that i ruined my life with this. I know i did something very wrong. How should i overcome this, should i tell my future wife about this or should i keep it as secret. I am sure i am not going to do this again and i want to be as happy i was before, i can not tell anyone in my family about this and having hard time keeping it secret and happy, pleas tell me how should i proceed in life, i want to forget this. please tell me how should i move on and overcome this guilt

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I'm sorry that you feel so guilty about this. Please know that many, many men have their first sexual experience in exactly the same manner. That doesn't make it okay for you...but please know that you are not the first person to do this, nor will you be the last.

Dr. L :

Guilt is our way of telling ourselves that we broke our own rules.

Dr. L :

And, from what you have written, that is precisely what you did. You broke your own rule about sexual behavior and you, therefore, are feeling upset at yourself.

Dr. L :

The purpose of guilt is to remind us that we can do better. Guilt is like a teacher telling us that had we studied for the test we could get an A.

Dr. L :

In your case, you made a decision to see a call girl so that you could have a sexual experience. After having done so, you felt guilty. As a clinical psychologist of some 30 years, I would say that the choice you made was unfortunate as it caused you emotional pain. But now that the choice has been made, it is far better to learn from that experience rather than continue to feel upset.

Dr. L :

So...what did you learn? How can this learning help you today, and in the future?

Dr. L :

As far as your question whether you want to tell a future wife about this, why don't you cross that bridge when you get to it. If you feel comfortable telling her about this...then do it. Couples often discuss their past sexual experiences as they get to know each other. Others find this private information and never share it with their partner. It will be up to the two of you how you proceed with this.

Dr. L :

I see you are offline right now. When you come online I will be notified.

Dr. L :

Thank you.

Customer:

I learned that one should never do something without thinking through but I don't know what I was thinking I was out of my mind, I also feel bad that I used that girl, please tell me how should I overcome this, I having hard time dealing with this, I used to be a happy guy but now a days I am just sad and keep thinking about it

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I'm glad you were able to respond to my question about what you learned. And so in the future, it would seem better to really spend sometime thinking about the ramifications when you are considering a behavior that goes against your values and morals.

Dr. L :

I hear your regret about "using" this girl. However,the reality is that you entered into a business deal with her. She knew full well what was going to happen and agreed to provide you with a service. In this respect, you were two consensual adults. I encourage you to see it that way,rather than beating your self up. What you can do is to say to yourself that you will be more mindful of the feelings of others, as that is the piece that you did not take into consideration.

Dr. L :

I think that your sadness is temporary and that it is the price you are paying for having made a choice that went against your values and morals. What you MUST say to yourself is this:

Dr. L :

I made a mistake. I am human. I can - and will - survive this lapse in judgment. I will learn from this incident and it will make me a more compassionate and caring human being.

Dr. L :

What you seem to be doing right now is grieving the loss of your own innocence. You did NOT know what the consequences were going to be of calling up a escort. And that consequence is very, very hard for you to accept. But you must accept it because it is done and over. Do the grieving you need to so that you can move past this. That may be crying, journaling your feelings, talking to a therapist, talking to understanding friends, and yes...writing to JustAnswer. You might consider some physical activity as another way to let go of your feelings. That might be jogging, running, biking, gardening...anything that allows your body to move.

Dr. L :

Life is a journey into the unknown. You have hit a real tough spot. Be patient and loving to yourself. You made a mistake. We all make mistakes in life. The key is to learn from those mistakes so that we become wiser, more compassionate and more loving.

Dr. L :

Please don't let this one incident destroy all the goodness in your heart. Please accept that you are human and forgive yourself.

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. L and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I have one more small doubt about how women think of men who used escort (not regularly, but just once and think of it as mistake), in your experience what do you think of my future with women, i do want to have a family and i would feel like a hypocrite if i teach moral to my future children what do you think of me as a person. Do you think i have lost my morality or should i think of it as a mistake. Do you think people (mostly women) can forgive for this type of mistake

Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.
Hello,
Let me answer your additional questions:
1. How women think of men who use escorts.
Most women would not have much concern about this. They are likely to prefer that the man has some sexual experience, rather than none. And so using an escort isn't necessarily a negative thing.

2. Your future with women.
Please do not be ashamed of what you did. Clearly you see this as a mistake and that's how you can talk about it. Women are likely to be impressed with your openness and honesty.

3. Teaching morality to your children.
Again...how you can talk about this is to be truthful in saying you made a mistake and would hope that your children would not make the same mistake. The role of parent includes that of teacher...and here you have something to teach your children!

4. Lost your morality or made a mistake.
Mistake.

5. Forgiveness
Yes...people can forgive this lapse in judgment. You are human. Every human makes mistakes.

I hope this reassures you...
Take care!

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Mental Health Professional
Dr. L
Dr. L
Clinical Psychologist
755 Satisfied Customers
Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist