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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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I am a virgin and i don;t know what happened and i called up

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I am a virgin and i don;t know what happened and i called up a "call girl" or "escort" she was young (around 20) and i am 30. I am feeling guilty that i payed for this stuff and as this was my first time i feel that i ruined my life with this. I know i did something very wrong. How should i overcome this, should i tell my future wife about this or should i keep it as secret. I am sure i am not going to do this again and i want to be as happy i was before, i can not tell anyone in my family about this and having hard time keeping it secret and happy, pleas tell me how should i proceed in life, i want to forget this. please tell me how should i move on and overcome this guilt


Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I'm sorry that you feel so guilty about this. Please know that many, many men have their first sexual experience in exactly the same manner. That doesn't make it okay for you...but please know that you are not the first person to do this, nor will you be the last.

Dr. L :

Guilt is our way of telling ourselves that we broke our own rules.

Dr. L :

And, from what you have written, that is precisely what you did. You broke your own rule about sexual behavior and you, therefore, are feeling upset at yourself.

Dr. L :

The purpose of guilt is to remind us that we can do better. Guilt is like a teacher telling us that had we studied for the test we could get an A.

Dr. L :

In your case, you made a decision to see a call girl so that you could have a sexual experience. After having done so, you felt guilty. As a clinical psychologist of some 30 years, I would say that the choice you made was unfortunate as it caused you emotional pain. But now that the choice has been made, it is far better to learn from that experience rather than continue to feel upset.

Dr. L :

So...what did you learn? How can this learning help you today, and in the future?

Dr. L :

As far as your question whether you want to tell a future wife about this, why don't you cross that bridge when you get to it. If you feel comfortable telling her about this...then do it. Couples often discuss their past sexual experiences as they get to know each other. Others find this private information and never share it with their partner. It will be up to the two of you how you proceed with this.

Dr. L :

I see you are offline right now. When you come online I will be notified.

Dr. L :

Thank you.

Customer:

I learned that one should never do something without thinking through but I don't know what I was thinking I was out of my mind, I also feel bad that I used that girl, please tell me how should I overcome this, I having hard time dealing with this, I used to be a happy guy but now a days I am just sad and keep thinking about it

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I'm glad you were able to respond to my question about what you learned. And so in the future, it would seem better to really spend sometime thinking about the ramifications when you are considering a behavior that goes against your values and morals.

Dr. L :

I hear your regret about "using" this girl. However,the reality is that you entered into a business deal with her. She knew full well what was going to happen and agreed to provide you with a service. In this respect, you were two consensual adults. I encourage you to see it that way,rather than beating your self up. What you can do is to say to yourself that you will be more mindful of the feelings of others, as that is the piece that you did not take into consideration.

Dr. L :

I think that your sadness is temporary and that it is the price you are paying for having made a choice that went against your values and morals. What you MUST say to yourself is this:

Dr. L :

I made a mistake. I am human. I can - and will - survive this lapse in judgment. I will learn from this incident and it will make me a more compassionate and caring human being.

Dr. L :

What you seem to be doing right now is grieving the loss of your own innocence. You did NOT know what the consequences were going to be of calling up a escort. And that consequence is very, very hard for you to accept. But you must accept it because it is done and over. Do the grieving you need to so that you can move past this. That may be crying, journaling your feelings, talking to a therapist, talking to understanding friends, and yes...writing to JustAnswer. You might consider some physical activity as another way to let go of your feelings. That might be jogging, running, biking, gardening...anything that allows your body to move.

Dr. L :

Life is a journey into the unknown. You have hit a real tough spot. Be patient and loving to yourself. You made a mistake. We all make mistakes in life. The key is to learn from those mistakes so that we become wiser, more compassionate and more loving.

Dr. L :

Please don't let this one incident destroy all the goodness in your heart. Please accept that you are human and forgive yourself.

Dr. L and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I have one more small doubt about how women think of men who used escort (not regularly, but just once and think of it as mistake), in your experience what do you think of my future with women, i do want to have a family and i would feel like a hypocrite if i teach moral to my future children what do you think of me as a person. Do you think i have lost my morality or should i think of it as a mistake. Do you think people (mostly women) can forgive for this type of mistake

Hello,
Let me answer your additional questions:
1. How women think of men who use escorts.
Most women would not have much concern about this. They are likely to prefer that the man has some sexual experience, rather than none. And so using an escort isn't necessarily a negative thing.

2. Your future with women.
Please do not be ashamed of what you did. Clearly you see this as a mistake and that's how you can talk about it. Women are likely to be impressed with your openness and honesty.

3. Teaching morality to your children.
Again...how you can talk about this is to be truthful in saying you made a mistake and would hope that your children would not make the same mistake. The role of parent includes that of teacher...and here you have something to teach your children!

4. Lost your morality or made a mistake.
Mistake.

5. Forgiveness
Yes...people can forgive this lapse in judgment. You are human. Every human makes mistakes.

I hope this reassures you...
Take care!