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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5581
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My wife and I separated a few weeks ago. Prior to that she

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My wife and I separated a few weeks ago. Prior to that she was scheduled to have an outpatient procedure done. I feel that I should be there for her as she cannot drive home and may need some assistance. I would like to wait there whilst the procedure
is being done as well. We have no children so I am the natural choice. I was the one to initiate the end of the relationship. My questions/concerns are: 1) I already asked her and whilst she appreciated the offer, she said she wasn't sure what she wanted to
do and would let me know. We were together for a few years, why wouldn't she just say yes! 2) My intent is to offer emtional support and do whatever she needs re shopping, medication, etc. and I do not feel obligated, just really want to be there for her as
she has been there for me during my medical issues. However, was wondering also if this may have an emotional impact on me? The split was recent and I am now thinking of how I can expect to feel sitting in a hospital waiting room whilst she is in surgery.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
You are asking some very good questions being that your split from your wife was recent and the offer you made to her has a lot of possible emotional ramifications.
To answer your first question- your wife may have felt that it would be too emotionally trying for her to have you be there for her after the surgery, if you are the most logical choice to be there for her. The impact of your separation might have been too much and she may feel vulnerable after her surgery. She may not want you to see that.
Your second concern was able how you might feel being there for your wife during and after her surgery. You are right, it could be emotionally taxing for you. It would help to balance her need for you to be there with what you need right now. If your wife is stuck and there is not anyone else, putting your own feelings aside for that day and maybe a few days afterwards may be hard, but it would be a kind gesture on your part. Also, some couples, even though they cannot be married, are still there for one another after the marriage is over. You can remain friends with your wife and help her out if there is not anyone else to do it for her, as long as it doesn't interfere with any new relationship either of you have. On the other hand, if you feel that is too much, you can just be there for her this time and move on afterwards.
If you do choose to be there for your wife, you may want to talk to someone afterwards to deal with whatever feelings come up for you. You can also make it clear to the staff of the hospital that you are separated and that you are there only in a supportive role. Also, plan something after you help your wife so you can focus on your own needs, such as an outing with friends or family that understand your situation.
Most of all be clear with your wife about the new boundaries between you. If you do help her, talk before hand about what she expects compared to what you can give. Agree ahead of time so you are clear. That way, there is no hurt feelings and you both can come out of this as friends or at least getting along.
I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5581
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.