How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Jean Your Own Question

Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Jean is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi Jean, I called my ex back late last night – I actually felt

Resolved Question:

Hi Jean, I called my ex back late last night – I actually felt empowered that I had waited! I was friendly and just said I went for my pre-op testing and didn’t feel like talking to anyone when I came home. Very unlike me to not call him back immediately,
so I know that had to have an impact. I told him I appreciate his offer, but I haven’t decided what I wanted to do. He said he "knows me" and how scared I get, and he wants to be here for me (even mentioned he declined an invite to a friend's place as he wanted
to be close to home if I needed him). I told him I was considering my options and mentioned that my old boyfriend (whom he knows I am friendly with) offered to have me stay at his place and since he is an MD and has live-in help, I was thinking about that.
Admittedly, I knew it would push his buttons - but I didn’t care, I felt in control! He proceeded to say that I haven’t see my old boyfriend for a while, and MD or not, HE is the one who knows me and how to take care of me. I said (very calmly) that just last
week you told me you needed to be "alone" and that the "stress" of being in a relationship was too much for you and I just want to respect “your” decision. I then said, wouldn't this be the type of stress that you want to avoid? He said that this is an acute
situation and has nothing to do with where we are. I think it has everything to do with where we are – but kept that to myself. He said he does not feel obligated but the thought of me going through this process alone and/or without him, would make him very
upset. I then said "ok, I'll let you get off the phone" (very passive aggressive I know) but I wanted to be the one who ended the call. I thanked him again but did not commit to letting him assist me, but just said I would let him know what I decided. So that
is where I am. I do of course still love him and want him to take care of me and know he would be the best person. Just don’t want to feel emotionally drained after. Any thoughts on his responses?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Hi! Jean is not online right now.I've read your previous questions/answers so I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.
I can imagine how exhilarating as well as confusing this situation must be for you. You love him and you want him to be the one who cares for you at this time. Yet on the other hand, you know that there are unresolved issues in the relationships and it would be unwise to let them fade away without resolving them because they'll return quickly enough.
And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. You've done a sensational job in maintaining your boundaries and not jumping to "take his side" so to speak, but rather in sticking up for your own interests.
That was wonderful. And it has had the desired results: he recognizes all of a sudden that you are valuable in his life and he is rushing to be on your side. That's wonderful. But you are correct: it's a short term recognition. It doesn't address the long term issues.
Therefore, don't become over-enthusiastic in accepting his help. You do want to accept his help. Simply because that is what YOU want. And it's a worthwhile way to move the relationship forward. It is letting him be attentive to you. And that is a good way for him to move out of his depressive state.
At the same time, though, affirm that you still feel very strongly that the problems you identified before are still important and must be kept in mind. Write them down for yourself so that you don't forget them in the relief of having him helping you and caring for you. Really; write down the difficulties you identified to Jean originally so that they are not forgotten, only to come rushing back once the newness of this situation wears off, okay?
Okay, I wish you the very best!
My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, ***** *****
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I am on line if you'd like me to respond to your post.
Jean
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
I'm sorry I didn't get to your question quicker. I was on line but stepped away from my computer.
I agree with what Dr. Mark posted. Being EMPOWERED- that is what you want to be, what you want to feel. You did quite well considering how a part of you wants to invite him back in.
This patience and deliberate planning on your part will pay off. I think you have "stumped" him a bit with the way you are setting boundaries. He's the one who ended the relationship!! I can also see how this is quite confusing for you. It will pay off in that you are making a clear statement that you matter, you mean enough for him to not assume you are a "given". You need time to first work through him ending the relationship. We do not operate that way- to make such a quick turnaround to now say "sure I'd love a lift from you, and while you are at it, comfort me!" He has hurt you and you nor anyone in your place could simply drop that or forget how this hurts.
It's quite interesting that when you've set boundaries he's now working hard at meeting your needs- something he said he could not do, and part of the reason he ended the relationship. Wow, again look at this with curiosity. Continue to expect and keep those boundaries and see how he responds. You have definitely "peeked" his interest in some way- if nothing else to realize you are a strong, and independent woman who does not need to rely on her man to meet her needs.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Dr. Mark. Thank you for your insight. The thing is, I do not believe he wants to reconcile. I think since I have been so supportive of his challenges the last 3 years, he feels he needs to be here for me. Whether it is out of guilt, as that is a big challenge for him and ending the relaitonship just a few weeks prior to my procedue, or just because he feels bad. So my first fear is that he will be a loving caretaker and then what? We are still no longer together. I woudl like him to take care of me and need to decide if that is best for me. However, if you could elaborate on your comments about how this will allow him to move out of his depressive state?
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
I'm sorry for the confusion. I asked Dr. Mark to respond to your request for him to "elaborate on" his comments..." and to send you back to me. I enjoy working with you and being involved in the progression of things. Thank you for your post!
Jean
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Hello
Dr. Mark passed you back to me. What I make of Dr. Mark's comment that it will allow him to move out of depressive state..in a sense you get "out of his way" for him to figure things out for himself. You did not cause nor create his depression- being in a relationship has caused an enmeshment of the two of you. Not clear who starts and ends where. It can become unclear what the "issues" really are. Him asking for the time and space may him and you to see things more clearly.
The one thing for sure is you "putting him off", not rushing to allow him to "save the day" has thrown him and he's got some food for thought. It does empower you- he's the one left confused when he's the one who initiated the breakup. Be curious to see how this turns out. No it does not mean he's coming back, but we can not predict what is to come from this. Give it time- the beauty in this is you get to choose if you want his "help" or if that help will hurt too much,
Keep me posted. Sorry again for the confusion in experts.
Jean
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
A couple other comments on the issue: You allowing or letting him be attentive to YOU may result in him coming "out" of his depressive state. Much of depression tends to be an over focus, over thinking, over analyzing within one's self. You becoming your own separate person who he is recognizing has her own needs, such as your procedure, gives him an opportunity to come out of his "self". Service to others can be helpful for people who are in a depression- giving, helping, supporting another- it's self fulfilling.
Let me know your thoughts on that. Have a good evening.
Jean
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you Jean. I think I will allow him to take me, however, I have decided not to advise him until Tuesday as he sees his psychiatrist earlier that day. The one who said he thinks that my ex is ambivalent and that ending the relationship was premature. Maybe giving him the "food for thought" as you say, and some insight form his Dr. may help him hav emore clarity. I recognize that he may take care of me and still walk away. But it will make me feel better than I feel now, and at a time I need it. So for me, that will work. If my lack of an answer has given him something to think about and helps him by being my care taker, than I think that is the way I will go. I will let you know how things go. I cannot thank you enough for all your help through this process. Whatever the eventual outcome, you have made a very difficult time a but easier.
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
It is exactly that- a process - and part of the "process" for many things is to "sit in it" for a time to figure it out, to gain more clarity. It's uncomfortable, yes, but sometimes necessary in order to see things clearly. You've done a good job pacing yourself on this.
Yes, between the "process" he's had to experience in your pulling away, and consult with the doctor will give him clarity also.
Thank you for allowing me to be of some help/support. I'm honored to be part of the "process". I look forward to hearing how things go. Things do work out- maybe not as we "expect" but they turn out and we get through these life school lessons. Trust the process!!
The best to you!
Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Jean and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 

Related Mental Health Questions