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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this painful and overwhelming situation your family is facing.
Any form of abuse or neglect could deeply impact a person's life, from childhood, shaping the individual's personality, mind and heart, thus the person's life as an adult. When the abuse comes from a parent, and it is of sexual nature, the situation gets much more complicated, since it could deeply distort the person's self-image, sense of self-worth and coping, the relationships he develops with the people and mostly everything in his life if does not receive necessary psychological treatment.
If he has not received necessary psychological treatment through psychotherapy or counseling for all these years, then that could explain why these issues have led to more serious disorders undermining his mental health and well-being, what seems to be the case with his mother too. Heavy drinking like the use or abuse or other drugs could cause deep pain, dysfunction and wounds people and whole families.
It came as a complete shock to us. From what I know (and this is 3rd hand at best). The son had a breakdown (some reports say he tried to slit his wrists - we just don't know). He was put in a psych hospital. The mother and father were told to come down last sunday. They did. Son wanted apology from mom. she did but her husband didn't and her other son didn't know and now it is all out in the open. I do not know if it was rape or something less (not that any abuse should be discounted). It was the mom who told my husband when he called her today. She is also in a psych hospital. Both are on suicide watch. My brother in law told his sister and his sister is pushing for divorce. (they are very old school italian family and overpowering). My husband told his sister she could come here. The whole thing is such a mess. I know she needs help and she needs support too BUT I am not even sure how to guide them all to get the help they need. I don't want to side with one over the other. It is a horrible situation...
Time could only deepen what is already there, whether it happens to be positive or destructive, and to become older and keep connections with family when serious and deep issues like these remain unresolved, create and fuel real wounds, damaging personal and families integrity.
Are there organizations or support groups for people in this situation? I see many for the victims and rightly so but are there any for the abuser? My in laws are in their 90's and this is going to kill them...
Absolutely. Happily there are different organizations providing supports for victims of sexual abuse, for adult children victims of parental abuse, and support groups for perpetrators too. the best way to go is to directly contact your county mental health and social services departments and ask them for direct referrals to local mental health clinics and organizations providing this type of support.
Thank you. XXXXX don't approve of what she did I understand that my husband can not completely abandon her as she gets thrown out of her home and basically loses the life she had. She no longer drinks and I am not sure if this was an isolated insident or an ongoing thing. Either way it is sickening...
For sure individual, and family counseling are necessary, plus help from a support group. This issues impact the whole family and each person needs to process how they affect them as individuals and as a family unit. Individual an family therapy are necessary. It would not be easy but tough, take time and big effort, but it is necessary and absolutely worthy.