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Patience
Patience, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 253
Experience:  MA Clinical Psychology; BS Health Sciences
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My N mother is getting elderly, and my GC brother (never married,

Customer Question

My N mother is getting elderly, and my GC brother (never married, at 56 still needs financial support form NM) continue to play the child. I sorta forgive my mother and I will care for her but I don't want to care for my brother. It isn't fair, he never even asks how I am. He has never done anything for me but sucked all the attention. It is still so unfair. Do I have to care for him? Do I have to tell my mother I am not going to care for him?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Patience replied 1 year ago.

Patience :

Hello. my name is XXXXX XXXXX I am one of the mental health experts. Are you available to chat about your situation now?

Customer:

Yes

Patience :

All right. So I've read your statement. What background would you like to add to this?

Customer:

It is just rearing up because of course, I am doing all the work for my mothers BD and he is of course, getting all the credit. My parents had a bedroom, my brother had a bedroom and I lived in the attic--a 1960's attic with no heat or AC. So it isn't even completely my brothers fault that he thinks I am nothing but the maid. Child services was eventually called but that was after 10 years in the attic.

Customer:

I have been ok, but my brother can't take care of himself and I do not want to care for him. It isn't fair and I am sick of it.

Patience :

You sound as though your childhood was rough. if you don't mind sharing, what happened with Child services?

Customer:

I don't know except my parents moved to the attic and I moved into their room. Shortly after we moved into a house with three bedrooms. I was in the attic from 6 years old till 14-15.

Customer:

I am over that, it made me really independent I have a great life, a life I wouldn't have had if I hadn't suffered. I traveled all over the world by self--even Russia in 1992. My brother never left home---so really his childhood was worse.

Patience :

I am glad to hear that you feel good about yourself and your current life. It sounds as though your family has had issues in the past.

Customer:

Yes, my brother has no energy, no "balls" to do anything and my mother does everything for him. Buying cars etc. I don't want to care for him, do I have to???? Will he buck up ever???? I just swore to myself, they would never cheat me ever again and now I fear it will happen. My mother still doesn't like me and can't even hide it. When I sent out the invitations, some friends didn't even know she had a daughter, only a son.

Patience :

I want to check this out with you: are you saying that your plays favorites?

Patience :

Are you saying that your mother plays favorites? (sorry for the typo.)

Customer:

Yes, always, always, She doesn"t even know to hide it anymore it has been so many years-and she is getting older. The problem is, she wants me to be the executor and take care of her because she knows he can't take care of himself, let alone her. Now there are hints about caring for him.

Patience :

And how old is your brother, again/

Customer:

My brother will be 56 next month and I am 57. He had one job that my husband got him 35 years ago. He got fired. Not layed off, fired--after 35 years-so he is moving back in with mom.

Patience :

Oh, so he is a healthy adult, albeit single? Or does he have a diagnosed condition? Is he on unemployment? I am trying to understand about what your mother would think he needs care for.

Customer:

He doesn't have a credit card even. He is perfectly normal just never makes an effort. He never has money so she supports him even when he had a job. Now he has A fib, heart but pacemaker makes him normal. He was working and got fired. He has no interest in anything. He is on unemployment. Growing up he had straight A's and I had C's--she use to say my IQ was higher, why didn't I get straight A's too. So he is not stupid Maybe depression???? Hard for me to tell, cause my whole life it has been JIM this JIM that, Jim Jim Jim..

Patience :

Yes, it does sound as though your brother may be affected by depression. i am so sorry that you have grown up with the burden of having your mother treat your brother differently. It happens more than you would think that one or both parents favor a boy child over a daughter. That's unfortunate. On the other hand, as you said, you seem healthy and independent. Your brother seems to have ended up overly dependent.

Customer:

Yes, he has==it is much crueler for him. But I don't want to do it

Patience :

By the way, things are going all right for you within your own family life with husband and children (if any)?

Customer:

Yes, I never had children, I was scared I would be like them. Everything is fine, it is this stupid 80th B day party and my brother wanting to move back home with my mom..... They are demanding stuff from me now. My husband would be happy if I never spoke to either one (after the party). I fear they will be demanding attention forever now that she is realizing her situation. Yet, she is still mean and denies she says it when I call her on it.

Patience :

Ok. So you are in a situation of sanity with your husband. It's just when you get around the family of origin that things start to break down. Where is your father in all this?

Customer:

Yes, yes. My husband and I have been together a long time, he knows them and is still occassionally shocked by them. hahahahHe died a while back but he also avoided my mother for years and left her long time ago.

Customer:

My father died long time ago... sorry for typo---my husband is alive and well. Thank goodness.

Customer:

I might have to go soon, can I make an appointment to continue--next week??? For pay of course. I don't want to start over with someone else.

Patience :

I would really be happy to work with you again. you seem to have some insight and we could try to talk out what's happening for you so that you can come to some idea of how best to proceed. You can ask for Patience P. and they will contact me to let me know you are waiting to chat. It would be good to know approximately when. Also, if you could my response on this when we are finished, I would appreciate it as that's how I get credited for the work.

Customer:

Is some time Tuesday is good? The darn party is next Sat, 60 people and I am doing all the work. Afterward, Sunday, I know my mother is going to want to discuss the future. I can smile till the party but I don't think I can even look at my brother. Part of me wants to lie and say "yes, I will care for Jim" and don't do it. I want them to be fair that is all I want.

Patience, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 253
Experience: MA Clinical Psychology; BS Health Sciences
Patience and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Patience replied 1 year ago.
Hello Anna- Thank you for the rating!

I will keep an eye for you on Tuesday. If I happen to be away from my desk when you get online then, rest assured I will get back to you. the party is a big deal and I think it is really nice that you are offering this as a gift for you r mom. Hang in there, and know that giving a gift does not mean you have to be the family patsy, right! We can discuss that further the next time.


Take care, Patience P.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


You can text alert me at XXX-XXX-XXXX when you are available.


 


So my mother really hates me, and has tried to sabatoge every good thing that has happened. I use to not tell her anything unless she asked, and she rarely asked. Now that she is older, I feel I should tell her when I am out of town. Example. we went to New Orleans for a special event. my husband read his poetry and I did an art performance. She called us at hotel while we were getting ready to tell us gossip\/bad news. She asked how it went-and I of course, said we are getting ready now. she never asked afterward how the event went. That happened in April of this year. There are a zillion examples, which mostly my husband and I laugh about. Here is the question---she wants to have a meeting and include Ron. Ron protects me, so when any attacks happen, he is never there (attacks mostly on phone now) . We believe she wants to make sure my brother is taken care of. I can't trust her. I fear I will agree to take care of him, he will get house and all money and I again, will be stuck in the attic doing all the work. The B day party is perfect example. I did all the work, but all conversations are about brother and moving in, etc. Brother was supposed to do A) B) C) and he did none of it. I feel like a patsy just doing this party, since she gave my brother money to help me--and me $200 which covered stamps and some of invitations.


 


How do I behave/treat request to take care of my brother? How do I protect myself?


 

Expert:  Patience replied 1 year ago.
Hello Anna- I am here and ready to talk with you. Please reply to my email and then I will know you are available, too. I know you can make it through these tribulations. Patience P.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


I am here online now

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Now you are off line? I will check back later

Expert:  Patience replied 1 year ago.
sorry Anna, I went to lunch. i am on the West Coast, so there may be a time difference between us. It is currently 1:20pm PDT. If you are not online now, will check back at 2pm, 3pm, 4pm on the hour, and hopefully we can chat then.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Ok, I am online now and will stay near my desk. Anna


 


 

Expert:  Patience replied 1 year ago.
Ok. Now we can chat! Since we are in Q & A format, it will be a little slow-going, but I think we can manage. i see you were asking about what to do about your mother's request. Could you tell me, ideally, how you would like to proceed?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I want it to be fair. I envision me being the executor, taking care of her possibly for years and then my brother getting the house cause he is already living in it. I see the future to continue how it is, unfair. We have been on more equal paths because I don't tell her anything (and she doesn't ask either).


 


Just found out this morning that my brother already moved in, but they did not want me to know until after the party. My brother and mother lying together to me. I want to answer her request with a response that will get me treated fairly.

Expert:  Patience replied 1 year ago.

I am wondering what is the part of this that really bothers you. Did you want to inherit the house? Are you surprised by the fact that your brother has already moved in? Have you been hoping your mother would change and she just won't do it? Please take a minute, Anna, to think about the source of the unhappiness you feel and what you think is possible for you to do about it. At this point, share as much as you can about what is making you sad, please.

 

Patience, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 253
Experience: MA Clinical Psychology; BS Health Sciences
Patience and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


You are right, so I return to before---arms, many miles length away? Fine, I did that for years and yes, that worked very well. But now I fear I will be stuck caring for my brother too. I'll do the BD party and that is all I need to do. You are right, it is all out of my control.


 


So I really should just skip the big "meeting" afterward? I met her lawyers, accountants before and am already her legal "guardian" or whatever the word is on all her accounts. She could take me off, but I think she knows brother won't take care of her. Is skipping the meeting better than saying "I won't care for brother"?

Expert:  Patience replied 1 year ago.
Well, that is a good question about skipping the meeting. Would you really be able to do that? And then what would you say as to why?

I am so sorry that your mother has set up such a situation, but probably she just does not have the skills to do otherwise. could you just tell her, without the big deal and stress of a meeting, how it is going to be? This can actually be a really cut-and-dried situation. Can't your mom just leaver your brother what he needs for his care without involving you, except for your executor's duties? I think that you have to keep in mind that your brother is an adult and he has no major mental or physical health issues going on. If he has a place to live and a little bit of cash, that's a pretty good situation for him, right? Not that you have to say all that to your mother. But he will be ok, don't you think?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Another good point. I will say to give the house to my brother so I don't have to kick him out to sell it. But again, it isn't fair. Pisses me off that that situation is still not even close to fair. Maybe we should just go home after the party, big celebration, good sport, etc etc and not have time for the meeting. Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX reminding me I am out of there and have been for many many years.

Expert:  Patience replied 1 year ago.
yes, you are a very sensible woman. But i know it must hurt like the devil to have your mother not acknowledge your hard work and show you the affection and support that all people need from their parents. This just isn't in your mother's repertoire, I'm guessing. And it probably never will be, unfortunately. It's difficult to not hope against hope that someday she will finally recognize your worth.

On the other hand, you are really the lucky one. You know that. your brother does have issues. But your mom is looking out for him. i am glad you have your husband looking out for you.

By the way, it is not surprising that in addition to the hurt in your heart you feel a twinge of jealousy and resentment about the situation. That is pretty normal. That's just how things go. As long as you don't let it eat away at your happiness or control your actions in a negative way, then you cannot do much about that. Except, as they say, living well is the best revengeSmile
Expert:  Patience replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your prompt credit, Anna. I hope all goes well for you in your situation and that you can have a somewhat enjoyable time at the party that you planned. I want to additionally encourage you to seek out an ongoing form of relaxation such as meditation, yoga, Pilates, or whatever will work for you. Such things are really helpful when facing stressful situations.

best wishes to you, Patience P.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank yforgot the support. Worked hard on the garden and feel better. All is fine. Reread what you wrote nothing I can do anyway.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


So the meeting went awful, terrible, just *f'ing* fine. The original meeting was supposed to include my husband, but after the party (which did go really really fine), she asked Jim and I to come into her room for a meeting. She did the bla bla bla about us all getting along, and when she paused saying" how can we work together" like louvered doors--My brother and mother turned and looked at me. It provided my proof for what I said. I said "gosh, you are both looking at me" (and they both looked away) "and that is how it has been since we were children". You (jim) had a bedroom and you (mom) had a bedroom and I was in the attic. So here I am still off in the attic and you two are together, a force that can appear against me." I said " I understand it continues, and you both might not even realize it because it started so many many years ago. It just continued--- me up stairs far away, and you two downstairs in real bedrooms. My mother says "you wanted the attic" and I said " I was 6 years old right? I was in kindergarden, so the oldest I could be the 6 right???? and she looked away again. I said " I had terrible nightmares about monsters coming in those tiny windows at the ends, and no one heard me scream" " It was so hot with no AC in the summer and no heat in the winter." and my mother said 'You had air conditioning" and I said "in 1962???? why did I sleep in the cool basement sofa than? or am I imagining that? " and my brother says "but that is the past, and there is nothing to do about that" "and I say..that is the point" "you both try to keep me in that attic" I don't have the same relationship and obviously, the way you two looked at me" " it is always going to be you two together and me.............off in the attic and where ever you think I am. bla bla bla It was me all talking cause I caught them both looking at me like louvered doors and they looked away like two doors too. The whole power shifted, it was like proof and I didn't have to say anything. Except of course, I couldn't shut up. I said "You Jim, you mooched off me every time you visited me and you will never stay with me again. So I ask you Jim, all those time you stayed with me "the past", have you ever bought Ron and I even lunch? A drink? Have you bought Mom a meal?, all she did for you? " He says "I bought her lunch last year". and I said " great\" He acknowledged he never bought me or us, as much as a drink.


 


so I was pissed, them ganging up on me--excluding Ron, and it was totally planned so I didn't stop. 'I said, "we will all get along if we are all treated with the same respect"... Like why should I listen to a 45 minute phone call, and neither of you ever, EVER ask how I am." I pointed at my mother and said "YOU ask how Ron is every time and never ask how I am". She said "I love you" but it sounded weird. It did not sound like a real "I love you". Then I said "Jim would be better if he couldn't always run to you, but maybe it is too late". I don't care, I am not dealing with either of you, unless you treat me like your daughter, sister. "That is all I ask, is to be treated like you daughter, sister===and if that doesn't happen--fine. I don't need you! and I left the room.


 


Thank goodness, for my husband. I would think I was the crazy one. A couple stupid incidents happened before and after, that, if I had no witness/confirmation I might believe them instead of looking at him and laughing. They both actually burbed/farted loud while we were eating. So the respect issue is right in front of our faces. The attic never even came up until two years ago, so it isn't like I have been jamming it down their throats for 40 years. Niether can help it, I know that, so I am just won't answer the phone for a while. Home, and garden didn't burn in the heat so all is fine

Expert:  Patience replied 1 year ago.
Hello Anna-

I am glad the celebration of your mother's b-day went off well.

It sounds as though you had a tough time with your mother and brother; however, you were able to say what you wanted to say and you got back home without any broken bones, and at least things are calmed down for the time being. Based on what you have said, though, there is a lot going on for you still. I am wondering about how you might move on from this.

First off, let's look at your self-care and relaxation. What types of activities do you use for that? Would you like me to send you information or links? From what you were saying, there is still quite a bit of unresolved issues going on for you. Have you gone into therapy with some of this before?

I am going to close this question, but I think it would be good if we could discuss your situation further to strategize over next steps. When you are ready, just contact. Be sure to use the chat format so that we can communicate easier in "real time."

Best regards, Patience P.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Dear Patience, I can be on line for a while now so I checking to see if you are "In". I am feeling a zillion times better and just need to stay away from both my mother and brother.

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