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Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.
I can imagine how frustrating, hurtful, and discouraging this situation must be for you. You are clearly a loving and caring husband. You have tried for many years to make sex work in your marriage without success. I'm truly so sorry this has happened.
You write that you're not even sure what your question is. I can imagine this being the case. And I think it's that way because you know what all the questions are and it's pretty clear you know what all the answers are. The doubts you have do not seem to be doubts about information--you have all the knowledge available to have about this: your wife has a very deep seated psychological problem relating to male genitals and male/female sexuality. You know also that "regular" methods will not alleviate the problem(s). You also know that she is not willing to undergo the intensive psychotherapy with a psychologist that would be required to get to the heart of this aversion and to treat it and move past it.
No, your questions aren't about knowledge; they're about decisions and course of action. And that is so painful because you know what your options are as well. You are clearly a moral and good man and you are struggling to decide what course of action to take in your life. You are weighing the deterioration of your own life that you are experiencing by trying to maintain the status quo. This is painful just to read as you write it. The alcoholism you sense will continue and may become worse. And you sense an emotional numbing happening to you. This, by the way, is part of alcoholism as well as your marital situation.
So your question is what to do? How to regain your life? I think you know the answer(s) but you are unsure. I don't know if the uncertainty is because of religious concerns, inertia, your genuine love for your wife and fear for how she might be affected by your decisions and actions, or some other factor(s).
I can't make the decisions for you, but I can tell you that there is no easy decision, as you know. But that you do have a right to your own life. The great parable of our age is that before the plane takes off the stewardess warns us that in case of loss of cabin pressure, first put on your mask and only then put on the mask of loved ones. Why?
Because, the parable is telling us, if we are not healthy and taking care of ourselves, we are not going to be able to help others.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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