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Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4037
Experience:  MD Psychiatry
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Hi. I have been with my husband over 12 years, married over

Customer Question

Hi. I have been with my husband over 12 years, married over 10. We have a history of problems-- a lot external- financial, in law (mother in law/ sister in law...), as well as some other weird external things that have gone on. I have said some hurtful things regarding his relationships... as a result he has supposedly pulled away from his family to put out marriage first-- I feel terrible about what he feel I have caused him to do... He has not communicated his feeling on individual situation/ events until recently- where he has just told me he is unhappy with our life together and the life we have created. He has told me he loves and respects me- but doesn't like who he has become in this and doesn't know if he can get past all of the baggage that I come with and have allowed into our marriage. I see my part in things- and feel just so horrible. My husband is such a wonderful person and man- and has not been himself over the last 5 years of our marriage. He has been impatient, distant, snappy with both me and our kids. There have been periodic moments of tenderness- but for the most part he has been miserable, distant and moody. We are taking some space/ 'separating' to give time for some clarity--- he say to allow both of us to see things more clearly and try to become more objective about where things are going. THe more he is talking about space- the more I am seeing the man I fell in love with- although- he doesn't seem wholly committed to saving this marriage. He say he can't imagine feeling how he's felt any more---I want my marriage to work so much-- I want both of us to be happy- together and for our children. I feel like at this point there is nothing I can do to reassure him that I will do my best to not let my baggage impact us going forward... but I am scared it is too late? I kindly request any advice, input and recommondations you may have for me to help save my marriage. My husband is a wonderful man--- I feel like he thinks he can't get back to a place were he can feel that 'inlove' feeling with me. He has said it is hard to feel 'in love' with so much build up of garbage over time. I feel like if we can just get through this our lives could be wonderful together... But he has to see it as a possiblity and want to work on it. I know he is terrified that if we stay together he will continue to feel miserable- or if he doesn't continue to feel miserable- that he will eventually begin to feel miserable again. He was revently away for businees and we have an appt. with our counselor tomorrow- he is willing to go- but doesn't feel there is anything to talk about because we havent really seen each other because hes been away..my husband says he loves me (hard to fell inlove though...)but may want a divorce cause cant stand the baggage from my family that i have allowed into marriage...it impacted him on somany levels....
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 1 year ago.

Greetings !

 

I am a psychiatrist with many years of experience in field of relational problems and their solutions and i have come across many couples who had a similar scenario like yours.

 

While counseling is recommended in your case but the most important thing that can salvage your marriage is an unconditional apology made by you to your husband for casing him hurt and pain over the course of so many years of marriage and ask him to re-establish his ties / relationships with his family. You see the crux of the problem is that your husband has become lonely within this marriage despite having you and kids with him all the time but he misses his mother and other family members which have drifted away because of the reasons best known to both of you.

 

So the only plausible way to save your failing marriage is to bring closure to his long standing internalized emotions and thereby ending his dilemma about calling it quits with you and this shall be done by liberating him and allowing him to patch up with his folks , this shall not only rejuvenate his spirits but also encourage him to reconcile after seeing your positive mind set and approach. Basically it is a serious time to make yourself flexible enough so as to accommodate his family members who he has been internally missing all these years.

 

I hope you see the bigger picture here and take the right measures by putting aside your own interests and dislikes so as to salvage your relationship as I feel one should not let go off such a kind and good hearted man/companion.

 

So while you are temporary separated do some deep introspection on what I have suggested and try to do the needful wholeheartedly and earnestly and if this much is done I feel you will have a good chance of saving your marriage.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Wish you all the best and I pray that everything works out just fine, the way you desire.

 

Regards.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your insight. I have apologized for comments I have made. And I have encouraged him to foster relationships with his family. He is a very independent man- and although his family members do not live close- I have suggested going to visit them... I bought him a plane tix to go see his father for a long weekend- which he did and enjoyed. More then not having a relationship with them- I feel like he is holding on to the negative comments (which I made a couple of times) about his relationship with his sister. I felt as though it was weird- now I realize I was insecure- and felt lke a second fiddle to him. I also think my family has a lot of baggage- and I was nervous to embrace his family as that my own mom would feel abandoned. I have made many mistakes in how I have dealt with things in the past. I feel like my husband would have preffered we move away from family- but didnt do that because he was afraid of what that would do to me- so he did make some of these decisions on his own (in a way to try and protect me) but ended up building resentment towards me over the years. He has never really expressed his concerns to me- he just hasn't seemed happy. I am not sure what I can do to make him see that going forward he is my #1 and my priority!!!! I am so scared I might lose him because it has taken me so long to 'grow up'! and that he feels my nuclear family baggage has carried over into our nuclear family...
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 1 year ago.

You see what is in your control right now is to tell him upfront that you are genuinely sorry for what you did, which in a way came from your own set of insecurities and yes you took time to understand the value of family which you only got to know when you realized your own strong feelings about him and when you love someone so much then the very thought of loosing them gives you immense pain and hurt. Tell him that you have realized your mistake the hard way and this is not a sham or superficial temporary display of fake emotions but it is all true , all you want is one last chance to embrace his family as your own with all your heart and honesty. Kindly say this in as many words , you may add your sentiments also if you want to ,but the main idea is to convey to him that you are yearning for his forgiveness and for an opportunity to bring all his near and dear ones close to him with all the love and respect shared from your side as well.

 

You see it is a tough task but after seeing your honest acts of redemption, I feel you stand a good chance of making him see the same honesty in your actions which will lead him to reconciliation. So please do not loose hope , keep on displaying your honest emotions to him so that he sees change in your heart and most importantly wait patiently as along with all of this you need to give him time to absorb the new developments which you have been trying to show him in your attitude and behavior.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Wish you all the best.

 

Regards..

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much for your input. When he says it's hard to feel 'inlove' and is being so kind- but yet at an arms length it causes me so much confusion. I feel like right now we are at a standstill. I know he doesn't really care for my family- and I am very close with them despite their baggage. He is still staying at our home during the week to help bring our children to school (he does morning drop off as I have a stricter work schedule than he does). THen on the weekends he goes to stay at his moms. THen once school is over- he will be staying at him moms for a while- potentially the summer if not longer. But, we keep referring to it as he is staying with his mom over the summer. During that time- while he is trying to get clarity and perspective to see if he can or wants to get past everything- what can I do? He said hell go to therapy with me- but do we try and date? Do I ask him that? Do we need to set up a plan? I asked hime if he plans on seeing the kids once a week or every wknd or everyother wknd? He just says we'll figure it out. Our kids are old enough to know what's going on- we've spoken to them about how mommy and daddy are going to be taking some time apart to try not to feel so grumpy with each other. But- I don't know how all of this works?? It's so weird not being able to hug the man, or say I love you to the man that you have been married to for over 10 years...
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 1 year ago.

I respect and value your sentiments. But you see no where in your narrative so far I have come across an attempt from your side to re-establish your ties with his mom and family members , until and unless you do that he is not going to get over his hurt. You see he is very clear in his mind right now , perhaps you are not seeing beyond him , he wants you to accept his family and start respecting and acknowledging their presence in his world and yours. In simple words he will melt only when you show that you have been honestly trying to establish your ties with his mom and other family members who matter to him , so he wants cordial coexistence of you with his folks.

 

Are you game for this ? If yes then please make some active moves to show that you mean what you pledge to him.

 

Now this is all what is there in your control and so you shall do, while the rest you should leave for destiny to decide as far as the relationship's status goes but I feel once you understand the crux of the issue which i have explained above and try to fix it by making some unprecedented actions and resurrections along with some uncomfortable decisions , i believe things will start to become better.

 

As i said earlier this is a very complex , long standing , internalized emotional issue and therefore it shall required a lot of toil on your behalf to put things back into perspective and propel the relationship towards a much desired reconciliation.

 

Regards..

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your insight In the past there have been problems between both me and his mother and his sister. His mother was going through a divorce from his alcholic father (this happend when we were first married)- so she wasn't in the best place in her life. His sister's husband was in medical school- and I should have embraced her more- but I was insecure about my relationship verse his with her... I know that is crazy- and clearly I have some things that I should have worked on and need towork on... However, even though these things have happend- I have suggested to him that we go spend time with his sister and her family- or invite them to stay with us whenever they are up to visit (they live in a different state). For some reason we just dont click (his sister and I) she is a great person- but we have never established a tight bond. And now- that both our families are aware of our situation- it feels fake to reach out to her....I am not sure what we would talk about... I have texted her several times to reach out to her and figure out when she is going to come visit so we are sure we are around... but I feel like its fake otherwise.. I can try and set up dinner with his mom and the kids... i dont know?
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 1 year ago.
Well it's nice to know that you have been trying but you got to try even more and with perseverance irrespective whether it will look fake or real , you see it is not possible for anyone to have best of relations with everyone in the family but by remaining in touch with your sister in law and mother in law via phone call, emails and visits you will be giving them their due importance and respect which we all yearn for in a relationship no matter how fake or awkward it may appear initially, but I am sure by doing so your efforts will be acknowledged by them at some point which will rub on your husband's outlook regarding you which will help in improving ties within your marriages

So invite his mom for dinner and see how it goes, well this certainly be a positive start for you quite likely to be noticed by your husband.

I hope this helps..

Wish you all the best.

If you are satisfied with the answer them kindly leave a positive rating to acknowledge it.

Kind regards.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you again. So we were just speaking... and talking about our separation for space over the summer...and talking on the phone and when he will see the kids... and I asked him how we were going to try and work on things... are we going to try and go on dates... what was he thinking? He said he wasn't thinking anything like that--- he was just thinking about taking space to get some perspective and try and gain some clarity... My ? is how can you ust find clarity about a relationship when there has been more bad that out ways the good? Don't we have to actively work on establishing our relationship and trying to become best friends? He feels like it should have happened naturally? He said he is not making any rash decisions... but he needs space...and we can go to counseling every other week or how ever it will work...what is the counseling going to work on-- establishing how to be friends whether we are together or not? I am so confused... Ugh! We meet with our therapist tomorrow and I am not sure what to bring up? I know I need to work on not continually rehashing everything--- it so hard...
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 1 year ago.
Well you are right in your suggestion of endorsing the need of friendship first but having said that while you continue to work on this friendship angle during the therapy sessions but do give him sometime to do introspection on his own, do not get hasty in demanding a quick solution of this issue as rushing him up may only irk and irritate him more. Once he is through with his introspection then ask him to work on becoming better friends than you ever have been.

So tomorrow why do not you politely encourage him to give you some time frame which he shall invest in introspection and after that he shall become open for giving a genuine shot to friendship.

Regards

Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 1 year ago.
If you are satisfied with the answer then kindly please leave a Positive rating to acknowledge it.

If you need further assistance feel free to ask for it using the reply button.

Regards.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr. Kaushik,


Thank you for you reply again. So we had our meeting this afternoon and I feel like it wen alright. We have both noticed a lot of improvement with our communication which is a positive. However, we did speak about the summer and our plan to take some time apart... he said he was anticipating planning to live at his mom for the summer- as for it is only about 8 weeks- and during that time he is going to take the time to reflect and think--- also, it would be a trial as to how it would be to live apart... when he said that it scared me- he had mentioned that he had felt I had said that- I don't recall having said that- I feel like I hope the time is used to heal and gain perspective and hopefully gain a desire to work on things. He still states that he is terrified that if we do work on things that our lives will fall back into old patterns which terrifies him. He said if he new that was the case he would end it right now-- but he doesn't know if he can get past his worry and get to a place where he feels the desire to work on things- because he wont work on things unless he can give it 100%. I told him I love hime and if he needs that space right now- I will do everything in my power to give it to him. Do you think there is hope for our marriage to be salvaged?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for you reply again. So we had our meeting this afternoon and I feel like it wen alright. We have both noticed a lot of improvement with our communication which is a positive. However, we did speak about the summer and our plan to take some time apart... he said he was anticipating planning to live at his mom for the summer- as for it is only about 8 weeks- and during that time he is going to take the time to reflect and think--- also, it would be a trial as to how it would be to live apart... when he said that it scared me- he had mentioned that he had felt I had said that- I don't recall having said that- I feel like I hope the time is used to heal and gain perspective and hopefully gain a desire to work on things. He still states that he is terrified that if we do work on things that our lives will fall back into old patterns which terrifies him. He said if he new that was the case he would end it right now-- but he doesn't know if he can get past his worry and get to a place where he feels the desire to work on things- because he wont work on things unless he can give it 100%. I told him I love hime and if he needs that space right now- I will do everything in my power to give it to him. Do you think there is hope for our marriage to be salvaged?.

Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 1 year ago.
Well yes i do feel that there is still hope for your marriage to get back on track, so please do not get hasty and expect or ask for instant answers from him about the future , nor should you stress yourself too much about the fate of marriage , instead the time you get to live independent of him should be used by you to explore and reflect on things which were missing from your marriage which actually lead to it's current state and try to find solutions for the past mistakes.

Other than this you also need to prepare yourself during this time for the worst case scenario , so although this time is being taken for an expected good result of reconciliation but at the same time this space shall be utilized by you to look for your own options in case of an unexpected result.

I hope this helps in putting things into perspective.

Wish you all the best.

Regards..
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks again. You are very helpful. So, I have another ? for you. He left to stay at his moms on Friday. He tried to call (didnt leave a message) and then texted me saying he was thinking about everyone and hoping we were having a good day. I didn;t call or text back. What is the right thing to do. I feel like I want him to be the one to call or communicate because I dont want to impeed on his space. Can I call him? He hasnt called tonight to say goodnight to the kids... Should I reach out to him- or just wait for him and if I happen to be able to answer his call then great. this just stinks... What do you think is going on in his head???

Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 1 year ago.

Well at all this time when you are living separately you shall continue to maintain a harmonious conversation with him , so yes you should have called him back , if not done earlier do it now. Secondly taking a break is meant for introspection over some core issues which disrupted your family life , this shall not impede any sort of dialogue that exists between the two of you,. The fact that he wanted to talk was a positive step from his side as he must have been missing you guys and the whole home environment. Also you shall ring him once in a while too , he need not call you all the time and when you do so then kindly exchange few nice uwords with his mom as well , this is how the rift that exists between the two of you will be bridged. I hope this helps. Wish you all the best.

 

May i please request you to kindly leave a Positive rating if you are satisfied with my service.

Regards.

 

Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4037
Experience: MD Psychiatry
Dr. Kaushik and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you. I do not necessarily feel there is a rift between his mom and I. It's more the history of the relationship evolvement that I think bothers him. I feel he thinks he altered his relationships so not to impact ours, and yet feels as though he was thrown into my family relationships. I know he feels he has always put me first... But there have been plenty of times when I have not felt that way too. He referred to feeling that I pulled the old bait and switch routine which completely makes me feel yucky. There were many times where I felt he wasn't thinking of me first... It was work... His business partner, his family... At our wedding he sang a song to his sister that he wrote for his sister at her wedding. It was beautiful... And I remember him singing this song and just staring at his while he sang this beautiful song he wrote to her without even glancing at me... It felt strange and I felt a little sad. Maybe that was my problem... But that's how I felt... Why did I feel like that? He always used to say he was always going to 'date' me... I feel like that stopped after our first two years if marriage... Then he had so much going on with his business, a rift between his business partner, then started a new job with my dad he didn't like, then we moved into a toxic apt. And had to get to of all our stuff... I had a really hard time with that emotionally as I was worried about the heAlth of our kids... He picked up the slack there... Then I didn't work for a couple of years because we just moved and had two little kids... That was a stressor... He left the job working for my dad because he had difficulty working with him, then he started a new business with someone else that worked for my dad who left working with my dad after my husband so they could start a business,,,and that felt weird...so much history... Is there really just too much? I feel he hasn't been invested in this for a long time now...
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 1 year ago.
Well it seems like your husband is overly sensitive at times and starts getting into a deep introspective mood over minor , trivial issues which can be avoided. Just like thinking too much over putting you and kids as number 1 priority which pushes other significant members behind but come to think of it you also must have done the same thing after marriage, in fact almost all of us start to concentrate on our own families first after marriage as situation demands it. You see what he does not realize that with time priorities change which does not mean that he should not think about his mother and other family members but sometimes he may have to put forth his family before them as per the need and situation.

I feel at this.point when he is full of his emotions and feel strongly about this , there is no point in tying to make him understand that with time he just had to pay more attention to you and kids as his priority but that does not mean he gave up on his other family members , so it is about time for him to get over this guilt and move on in life and try to maintain and spread harmony among all the family members acting as a catalyst.

I hope this helps to bring a different perspective to this.

Regards.

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