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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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4 years ago my husband of 21 years cheated on me with a Hugh

Customer Question

4 years ago my husband of 21 years cheated on me with a Hugh school girlfriend ,he was ready to leave he thought he had it all figured out ,until I put a recorder in his truck ,which gave me proof and he realized he could lose everything ,so he decided he didn't want a divorce ,he wanted to stay together,I don't think this was the first time but I have no proof of that,I don't think I have ever forgave him ,lately I have been having a feeling he is cheating again but I'm not sure if he is or if I'm just looking for it,is it possible I'm just paranoid ,I have heard that when you cheat with a high school sweetheart years later is the worse .....I have actually been having dreams of him cheating and find myself angry with him ,( should also say he had 2 of our children cover for him at the time they were 19 and 12) I know he says things about me now to our 14 year old .is it time to get out of this marriage after 26 years or is it just me being paranoid,any help would be great...
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

If your husband has already cheated on you and has only stayed in the marriage so he does not lose everything, then he is probably unmotivated to try to make things right between you. It sounds like he might only be motivated to stay for self centered reasons.

In order for your marriage to continue, your husband must address what he is doing. And if he never dealt with the first affair and helped rebuild trust in your marriage, then it would be very normal for you to suspect he is cheating again. In order to fix your marriage, your husband needs to do the following steps:

One, is he sorry for what he did? This is important, because if he does not take responsibility, recovering your relationship will be difficult.

Two, has he stopped all contact with other women? He needs to so as a first step to regaining trust.

Three, are the two of you talking about what happened? He needs to be open and honest about what happened and let you ask any questions you need to.

These are some of the most important issues you both need to be working on. Also, counseling can help both of you. However, if he is unwilling to see his behavior as an issue or to get help, then your suspicions are not wrong.

The main issue is to rebuild trust. It can take a while and a lot of work, but you can do it as long as you both are motivated. However, if your husband is not motivated and is not willing to fix the marriage at all, then it is unlikely his behavior will stop. And it would not be unusual for you not to trust him with other women. There is a reason you feel as you do. Try to consider counseling again, this time with the goal of support and finding out if you want to stay in this marriage or move on.

A resource that may help you is:

Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Lundy Bancroft

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
As far as I know he hasn't talked to her since ,but then I can't say for sure, he doesn't talk about it and really never did all he said was he made a mistake end of story,whenever I would bring it up he would try and make me feel guilty for bringing it up ,he would just say I made a mistake let it go and that he would never do that again.i know it happened years ago but it has been really bothering me lately,especially when I notice little things that I noticed 4 years ago like I said maybe its just me being paranoid I just don't know what to think and how to get past it
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
You are not going to be able to get past what happened and that is very normal for the situation. How can you be expected to work through something your husband did to betray you when you are not allowed to talk about it and are made to feel guilty when you do? That is a response that helps him avoid facing the consequences for what he did and adds guilt to the pain you are already dealing with. You are not the wrong person here, he is.The only way you are going to heal is if you leave him and work through the loss on your own, or you work this through with him, but only if he is willing. However, if he will not allow you to talk about what you feel and work with you, it is unlikely that your marriage can be healed. Or that you will ever regain enough trust to be sure he is not cheating again.Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you Kate
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
You are very welcome! I am sorry for what you are going through. Considering finding as much support as possible. And take care of yourself. You deserve it.

Kate


May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much for the positive and bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you,
Kate

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