Rafael M.T.Therapist : Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Rafael M.T.Therapist : I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming and serious issue.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : What you describe here is truly concerning since it shows there is not real mutual honesty and openness, respect and understanding in your marriage, essential for it to be a healthy and fulfilling one.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Could you please tell me for how long have you been married and how long ago this issue start?
Customer: We are married for 15 years,from day one we had no privacy as they came over every weekend.The money issue is like new to me i don`t really know from where it started
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Your words depict this issue in a very accurate way, I do totally agree that her sister has been using, abusing and manipulating your wife and the relationship she has with you, taking advantage of you at multiple levels, not only damaging the health of your marriage but its integrity. Unhappily, in every situation where abuse and manipulation are present, as long as it is about adults, both people are responsible for perpetuating the dysfunction, the abuser and the victim enabling the abuse.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Then it is truly serious since there have not been healthy boundaries and limits set from the very beginning of your life together, and now they could feel empowered and with the right to perpetuate this situation as it has been present for these many years.
Customer: I left home before as my wife told me to go,but once i left by myself.Came back as i was financially dependent on her and also i did not wanted to worry my family
Rafael M.T.Therapist : You would need to reassess your priorities here and what you are truly willing to afford, making it clear what you need and expect from your wife as responsible adults, for your marriage to heal and grow as a healthy one, once what you are reporting shows it has never been a functional relationship around "mutual" respect, trust, honesty and support.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Then there was been at least one separation episode, and I see it was not a mutual understanding and reconciliation what brought you back. Do you still depend on her financially?
Customer: I am a christian what can i do ? We relocated to a new city as my wife founded a very good position,i am still looking for work.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : When one spouse earns most of the family income, he/she could feel entitled to manage money as pleases bypassing the normal - healthy and necessary agreement that should exist in every relationship.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : I see, then this is a core issue, and based on past incident it seems your wife is not willing to change her mind abut her relationship with her sister, but she could ask you to leave again if you do not agree with the way she does things,, once she is the breadwinner of your family.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : This is in fact a very frustrating situation, and it seems that as long as the same conditions remain, no significant change or improvement would happen.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : As I just explained, the fact that one spouse ears the highest or only income, while the other earns less or takes cares of house chores responsibilities, should not justify a lack of agreement about how finances are managed in the family unit. But for this to be a reality, both spouses need to be able to understand and willing to work on building a healthy marriage based on mutual respect, understanding and support; when this is not the case, marriages grow in distorted ways, issues become chronic and necessary changes could only happen with hard work over long periods of time, when both spouses show honest, accountable and willing commitment to work on make things works, working as a real marital team instead of pushing different or opposite approaches to how things work at different level - areas.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Does it make sense?
Customer: I agree
Rafael M.T.Therapist : I invite you to reflect on it and then look for the best time to dialogue with her about it. In case you find it impossible to get to a satisfactory agreement, please seriously consider getting professional marriage counseling or psychotherapy for you to get necessary support to work on these ore and serious marital/family issues.
Customer: ok,thanks !
Rafael M.T.Therapist : You're welcome.