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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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hi am married and expecting a baby. i was in love with a guy from past 1.6 yrs and now he is married and unable to cope with that. undergoing a depression dont know what to do and how to handle.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how distressing this situation must be for you. You are pregnant and that is a very emotional time by itself. And now your husband is going through the pregnancy unable to cope with his own emotions, let alone being able to support you in your emotions of pregnancy. That is really tough.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. You are going through your own emotional roller coaster because of pregnancy. This is not a time where you can be of help in dealing with his depression. Because it can pull you down too much at a critical time where you need stability.

Therefore, I urge you to get him to psychotherapy. Guys are really babies when it comes to going to therapy (even more than going to a doctor). They often feel it's not manly, that it messes with your brain, that it's weak, or whatever excuse they come up with. The point is, they are often very resistant.

If that's the case here, then you might urge him to come to couples therapy with you. That is a way to get men to therapy where you can discuss his emotional depressive symptoms with the therapist. Because even if he is willing to go, he might wind up minimizing his symptoms. So going to therapy together is a good way to make sure the therapist hears what's going on in a more comprehensive way from you.

If you don't have a good referral source, here is the web address for Psychology Today's therapist directory. You can sort by zip codes and when you see someone who seems like they might be helpful (they show you a photo of the therapist!) look at the listing and see if they list CBT strongly in their orientations (much better approach for men) and depression as a problem they work with. Or if they do couples therapy if that is what you choose to do.

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

 

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
My husband is not into depression. its me who need help.

The whole story is 1.6yrs back i was in love with a guy cos i was not happy with my married life or rather my husband doesn't gave me enough love. The guy with whom i met doesn't know that i am married. we continued with a relationship. my husband doesn't know about it. now the guy is married and i am expecting too. but my problem is am unable to accept his marriage. I need him desperately in my life bcos of love and care i got from him. I am trying to cope up but i failed and undergoing depression. So i need help. Its not possible for me to visit a therapist at this stage.
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Hi. I am sorry I misunderstood. This is indeed a very tragic situation. But therapy would be so useful to you and trying to get through this without the help of a professional is really going to be very, very difficult. Why are you unable to see a therapist at this time?


I'll await your response. Thanks,
Dr. mark
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Because i live in a joint family and since it is my 7 month so am not allowed to travel.
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

I understand. Two things, then, we need to discuss. One is therapy via Skype. The second is, if therapy is not something you're able to do at this time, then self help techniques you will need to use to help yourself through the depressive symptoms until you can accept that he has moved on and you also need to move on in your life and find others who will be your support and comfort and not him. Because you know that he is no longer available to be in your life.

So, first, Skype. The Psychology Today directory I linked for you above does list whether the therapist works via Skype. I, for example, work via Skype in therapy with people in many different locations and it is very effective. So that would be your number one option so that you can have professional help through this time.

With or without professional help, though, we want to come up with a coherent program for moving forward. The five components of a total self care program are: meds, diet, exercise, motivation, and spiritual life.

Meds: Because of your pregnancy late term, there are not going to be medications available until after you give birth. But it is something for you to keep in mind if the depressive symptoms have not abated enough by the time you have given birth, okay?


Diet: cut out coffee, sugar, white flour. That may be tough. But you will see results as some of the newer research shows. And lean meats only. No fast food restaurants, no fatty foods.

One of the most important supplements is Omega 3 fatty acids, either in fish oil or capsules or in flax seed oil. Buy good quality. The clinical dosage is 1,600 mg to 3,000 mg daily. Try the higher end of the range if you can afford it. Omega 3 is the main supplement. The research on it and depression is conclusive. You should get it at the biggest and most frequented health food store and ask them for the best brands they trust in terms of quality.


Exercise: 5 days a week moderate exercise, to include 3 days of strength training as you get more used to it. Your doctor will verify the research results showing the benefit. You're pregnant and so need to follow whatever exercise regime your doctor recommends. But today, there are even videos for exercise routines to do during pregnancy, so your doctor should be able to recommend a good routine.


Motivation: I recommend you apply the principles in the following videos and books. So that you can be yourself with more confidence and share it with others. Coach yourself. Be your own life coach! I want you to get really into motivational videos and books. In other words, accept your situation, accept your feelings of grief for this relationship, your feelings of being left behind. Accept them and focus on becoming who you WANT to be now. Here's a simple YouTube search I put together on "motivational speakers":


http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=motivational+speakers&aq=f



Some like Tony Robbins are the classic big guys. Some are newer. There are now wonderful women speakers as well. Watch them all. Get inspired. Buy a book or two. Here are some possibilities, but they are only suggestions as there are so many good ones.

The first book is the father of all these type of books. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. There are classes in these books now! It was written in the 1930s and still has something to say to us today that is very worthwhile.

I think very highly of the second book on my list, which is a real classic: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. It is the book that has helped more people than probably any other.

The third book is by Anthony Robbins. He's one of those speakers who fills up huge auditoriums. For a reason. He's a terrific speaker and writer. The particular book (if you like it, try his others): Awaken the Giant Within.


Spiritual life: the medical literature is now rather overwhelming about the benefits to so many different areas of physical health of regular religious and spiritual practice. Going to church, meditation, etc. are all shown to produce benefits to the physical body. What about our mental health? Well, you will see that meditation is now a regular part of psychotherapy interventions. I don't know if you're a religious person or not. But if not, this may be a good time in your life to tune up your spiritual life. If you do not believe in G-d, that's not a barrier to your own spiritual life. Just thinking about the meaning of your life, of life in general, and studying spiritual texts and practices will help with the anxiety.



Okay, I wish you the very best!

Now for the technique: here are instructions on a therapeutic protocol called Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR). It's really quite easy to do almost anywhere. My patients, when I teach them PMR at first are amazed how simple it is and that it is a psychological protocol. It was first used in the 1920s! Since then, of course, it has been refined and many studies have been done showing its effectiveness. I want you to practice the PMR at least 5-6 times before an attack or feeling acute anxiety. Why? Because when you're in the throes of anxiety, you will only remember to do something you are very familiar with it. So practicing 5-6 times is really a minimum.


I want to stress the importance of breathing as well. Part of the physiology of what is happening to you when the anxiety of depression is present is that your breathing is getting shallower. This reduces the oxygen in your blood to your brain. That increases the anxiety and depression, which strengthens the emotion and you are in a vicious cycle! Not good. So breathing is the primary tool. I have found in my practice that learning breathing techniques can be helpful. But some of my patients are not interested in learning more than one thing at the beginning, so I have found that just reminding you to BREATHE deeply at the same time you are doing PMR is almost as good. If you are willing to take a yoga class and learn breathing techniques, that's the best. But, breathing deeply with your PMR will help.

So, we're ready for learning PMR. I want you to print my instructions below my signature and have a copy in each of the rooms of your home where you may be when you have an attack. And again, you need to practice this easy technique at least 5-6 times as soon as you can. It needs to become as natural to you as breathing. Ah, remember breathing?

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

INSTRUCTIONS:

  1. After finding a quiet place and several free minutes to practice progressive muscle relaxation, sit or lie down and make yourself comfortable.
  2. Begin by tensing all the muscles in your face. Make a tight grimace, close your eyes as tightly as possible, clench your teeth, even move your ears up if you can. Hold this for the count of eight as you inhale.
  3. Now exhale and relax completely. Let your face go completely lax, as though you were sleeping. Feel the tension seep from your facial muscles, and enjoy the feeling.
  4. Next, completely tense your neck and shoulders, again inhaling and counting to eight. Then exhale and relax.
  5. Continue down your body, repeating the procedure with the following muscle groups:
    • chest
    • abdomen
    • entire right arm
    • right forearm and hand (making a fist)
    • right hand
    • entire left arm
    • left forearm and hand (again, making a fist)
    • left hand
    • buttocks
    • entire right leg
    • lower right leg and foot
    • right foot
    • entire left leg
    • lower left leg and foot
    • left foot
  6. for the shortened version, which includes just four main muscle groups:
    • face
    • neck, shoulders and arms
    • abdomen and chest
    • buttocks, legs and feet

Quickly focusing on each group one after the other, with practice you can relax your body like ‘liquid relaxation’ poured on your head and it flowed down and completely covered you. You can use progressive muscle relaxation to quickly de-stress any time.

What You Need:

  • A comfortable place.
  • Some privacy.
  • A few minutes.

Again:

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
Dr. Mark and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I spoke to my doctor she said its normal during pregnancy to get a mood swing. But my prob is am unable to cope up with my relationship. He is married but we are still in contact. I want him to act with me in the same manner the way he used to before. I know its not possible for him. He needs time. What hurts me more is that my past friends (all were guys) they ditched me or dumped my friendship or left me just because they all got married. They all made promises and finally ended up breaking my trust. With all the past experiences or whatever i went through I think he will also do the same. I met him the time I needed someone the most in my life and at this point of time i only crave for love. From my end the love was true and pure. I am still sticking to all the promises I made. But now I feel whatever he said or whatever promises he made were false and came in spur of a moment. I get a strong feeling that he gonna break all my trust, feeling and emotions and leave me alone. I dont feel like doing anything. Dont even feel like talking with new people. Dont know what to do. My mind just keep on thinking all these things only. Please help me.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
It sounds as though your past guy friends take marriage pretty seriously, more seriously than you expected them to and more seriously than you take marriage. So once they got married they didn't feel it was appropriate to continue the friendship. Is that possible?


Is it possible also that he is taking marriage more seriously as well?


After all you want things to be the same as before but he seems to be living within the framework that now that he's married, life isn't the same as before. If so, then it might require you to take action to accept that your friends and he view marriage and things differently than you do. And to then begin to live your life with that requirement, that they have moved on.


And so you have to move on now. To be a mom, first of all. You will have a child now and your child will need you and your love and your smiles and your hugs and your attention. So moving on, might it perhaps mean focusing on your baby to get ready for being mom and getting books on pregnancy and motherhood? It's really very helpful to embrace becoming a mother and let's give that a try, okay?


I wish you the very best.


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I took my marriage seriously. I discontinue my friendship with the guys who use to talk rubbish or never took me seriously. But my husband is so much busy with his work and family that he hardly gets time for me. He always made me feel that I am the last priority for him. I literally have to beg him or fight with him to give me my part of time or love. So I started searching for friends outside or that love out. But I never knew I will fall in love with him.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Yes, I was afraid this may have been the origin of this situation: a wife starving for love and attention and a husband who is afraid of showing love and attention for whatever reason.


But the answer is really to get your husband to understand how much he is losing out by not participating fully in his own marriage. This may take professional intervention with a couples therapist. Because he is not listening to your pleas for love and attention.


I wish that there was an easy way to get your husband to recognize how important this is, but getting him to couples therapy may be the only way.


I wish you the very best,

Dr. Mark

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