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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My closest friend got involved in a relationship with a guy

Resolved Question:

My closest friend got involved in a relationship with a guy about 6 months ago. he is possesive, verbally abusive, and actually was convicted of hitting his last girl friend. Recently he cheated on her and she has taken him back. One of the last conversations I had with her was that if you're expecting a different result by entering into the same situtation that is a very stupid assumption and I told her that I needed to be left out of the drama this time.

Jessica and I used to speak every day and literally on a Friday she and I had dinner and she was discussing going to church with me, doing some athletic events (mud runs) with me, and it seemed like my friend was coming back. Then two days later everything was like I don't know or I cannot. I asked her out to lunch and she never responded. She called me once on May 12th at Midnight and I asked her if she was OK and her response was "yeah i'm OK". I know my friend and I think that she wanted to say something to me but didn't.

I told her that I did'nt know exactly what was going on but that she was my best friend, I loved her like a sister, and that her and her daughter were like family and if they ever needed anything from me in the future, weeks, months, or years from now that she could always call me. That was about two weeks ago and I've gottne one text from her asking what was going on and nothing else.

A mutual friend told me yesterday that her boyfriend is very jealous of our friendship and told her to stop talking to me and hanging out with me.

My question is basically what do I do?

Do I let her go and and never hear from her again and just hope for the best?

Do I contact her once every few weeks to make sure she is doing OK?

Finally, I have several other female friends, some who know her and others who do not. They have all said that she is going to call me in a month or two crying and wanting to talk to me. do you think that will happen and if it does what do I do?

Thanks,
Rich
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist : Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Rafael M.T.Therapist : I am very sorry to know about this very frustrating and concerning situation.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : As you told her, it was not wise at all to expose herself to a person like him, where only further neglect, abuse and manipulation would arise, creating further pain in her life. But she chose and you too when you set a boundary an told her you did not want to be part of that drama at all.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : You were this close to each other, and now it seems obvious and reasonable to believe what you think and mutual friends have shared about her situation. You have made it clear your friendship continues to be there to support her and her child now and in the future, and I think there is nothing better you could offer to her. Now it's about time for her to learn from this experience, mature and choose what she wants for their lives.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : In consistency with your friendship and caring, I believe contacting her every other week through an email message or other similar means would remind her about your friendship and caring, giving her the chance to reassess what she truly wants for her life, and to consider getting back in touch with you. That's the best you could do, showing respect, caring and support, without going beyond her boundaries and decisions.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : it is very sad and frustrating to be in your shoes, not only because of grieving the loss of the close friendship you used to share on a regular basis, but to witness how she exposes herself and child to further abuse and neglect; but again, this is about her own path, for her to mature and grow as an adult human being, including all the pain and mistakes she needs to face in order to truly learn and change for better.
Customer: When I do text her, what do I say?
Rafael M.T.Therapist : AS suggested, every other week could be a sound period for you to keep showing her you are there to support her, without being pushy or going beyond her boundaries, unless she replies asking you not to contact her again or that often, in which case you would have to adjust your initiatives to what she is willing to share with you.
Customer: What should I say to her?
Rafael M.T.Therapist : You know her and what could promote her insight and assertive action, then use such understanding and previous experiences to motivate her assertiveness, for her to take good care of herself and child, reminding her you are there to support her as necessary.
Customer: Should I just something like, Hey Jess just wanted to check in and say hello. Hope you're doing well?
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Sure, the tenor of your message reflects the level of trust, intimacy and understanding, caring and support you built in your friendship.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Does it make sense?
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Hello?
Customer: Yes sir it does.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Good. Thank you for replying. Please feel free to contact me for any further support.
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

OK, so I texted my friend. She replied and we chatted a bit via Text.

She then called me the next day and said something like, I just wanted to make sure you were alive and then got off the phone quickly stating that she would call me back. This was on Thursday of last week.

I'm very confused by this entire situation. This is the 2nd time she has called, I guess to just hear my voice or test me to see if I'll pick up the phone and then get off really quick without a conversation.

Is she just testing to see if I'm still her friend?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
It's good to know she replied and called you twice. i do think her behavior could show both, her need to keep in touch and keep this friendship you both treasure. At the same time I think, in consistency with your story that her relationship could be that dysfunctional to the point of her feeling afraid of staying in touch with you, which is very sad but real, and something she knew she was going to ford once she started it. Since this is not about a healthy relationship, many things could happen, and the best approach for you could be to keep open and supportive, not pushy, ready to share as much as you feel comfortable with and as much as she allows herself even when dating that person.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


I texted my friend last night and she seems really upbeat and happy.


I basically said what you told me, hey haven't heard from you in a week and just wanted to say hello and see how things are going, hope you're doing well.



She replied that she was doing great, looking at apartments for a move in August, she isn't drinking that much anymore (something she was talking about when we were still close friends and speaking every day. She wasn't an alcholic but a typical person in her 20's), she got her daughter signed up for mother's day out at this church two days each week and is planning on attending church there herself when she moves into an apartment (something that she was also talking about doing with me when we were still hanging out last month).


 


 


I told her that I missed hanging around her and talking to her like we were but that I'm really happy for her, asked her to keep in touch, and said that I thought that she really deserved all these great things that were happening to her (the new job she got recently, the fact that her desire for an apartment was finally happening, and the fact that she was following through with going to church. Basically that the great changes that we were recently talking about were happening).

she texted me this morning and asked me out to lunch next weekend.

I'm very confused. I'm very happy that she is doing well and that she asked me out to lunch but I really am shocked.


These are good signs right?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
Based on what she told you, if she was being truly honest, for sure everything she said sound very good. If that's her reality, it's wonderful no doubt about it. Besides of the fact she took the initiative and invited you for lunch, which sounds excellent, since it was your friendship what you missed the most, and now she is allowing you to stay in touch and share.

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