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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have been so sad and depressed for a couple of months now.

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I have been so sad and depressed for a couple of months now. My daughter broke up with her long term boyfriend a year ago, but they remained very good friends, talking every day and still very close. He wanted to get back together, but she wanted to remain friends. She started dating another guy, but realized after a couple of months she still liked her old boyfriend and broke up with the new guy. Just as she was about to tell her old guy she was interested in getting back together, he started being interested in a new girl, and they have now begun dating. New girl forced him to give up all contact with my daughter and she is really sad. The thing that is bizarre to me is that I am so sad about this too. I know that if they had gotten back together she probably would have felt the same way about him as she did before and broken it off again, but I think I am just so sad that this long term friendship is over. They talked every day for 3 years and now it's nothing and I feel so bad for her. I'm not sure why this is affecting ME so much and I feel ridiculous.

Rafael M.T.Therapist : Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Rafael M.T.Therapist : I am very sorry to know about your daughter's situation and how it has deeply affected you.
Customer: Yes, I feel silly that it is affecting me so much. My other kids have gone through breakups and Ihaven't felt this bad. I'm not sure why I do this time.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : It seems obvious to em that you truly care about her happiness and your attachment to her is this strong, leading you to feel this depressed for how things have evolved in her relationship with the past boyfriend. The friendship they had was unique for sure, and I think you had real hope it could continue and lead to getting back together, but the way their lives got separated was obviously shocking, traumatic to you.
Customer: Yes it was. I think because I feel so close to her.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Do you have a special, stronger attachment or concern about your daughter?
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Then it makes sense, you have identified so much to her experience and what happens in her life impacts your this powerfully too.
Customer: I wonder why I am identifying so much.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Is this a new experience for you? Haven't you found yourself suffering the negative or painful experiences this daughter underwent in other scenarios in the past?
Customer: I wonder if it is normal to feel this way.
Customer: A little, but this is way more than ever before.
Customer: I feel sad just about every day unless it seems like she is having a good day.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : It is normal to attach to children, but when attachment gets distorted, it leads to unhealthy experiences, affecting from mood to mental health and functioning.
Customer: She isn't even acting overly upset, although I know she is because every once in a while she talks to me about it.
Customer: I feel better if she talks to me, but I know it is normal for a child not to want to talk to a parent a lot -- friends are better. But I feel in the dark sometimes and feel worse.
Customer: How can I care (i.e. support her) but not obsess so much about this?
Rafael M.T.Therapist : What I think is that you have developed depression because of not knowing how to effectively cope with this painful experience you did not behold, because of your attachment and deep identification to your daughter
Customer: Yes, I think so.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : This situation has triggered a depressive - anxious problem that needs to be addressed as such. As you said, it's become an obsession undermining your well-being, thus you need to work on learning how to effectively cope with negative feelings, anxiety and to show and share empathy and caring without getting emotionally overwhelmed by situations like this.
Customer: How should I address it? Go to a therapist?
Rafael M.T.Therapist : I do seriously suggest you to consider psychotherapy as the ideal source of support for you to work on rehabilitating from this depressive mood, anxiety and any other problem related to it as soon as possible, in order to take good care of yourself and not to allow this situation to get worse, becoming a more serious problem.
Customer: I just keep thinking it will go away (my feelings) but they are not, so maybe so. Why do you think it could get worse?
Rafael M.T.Therapist : You need to vent and learn to get real relief in healthy ways, improve your coping skills and your control of stressful and anxiogeninc -anxiety-related- situations, to process the impact this event created in you while learning how to offer even better support to your daughter while taking good care of yourself.
Customer: Yes, because I really don't have anyone to vent to. I obviously don't tell her how I'm feeling and I feel strange telling other people how I feel because it just seems wrong that I'm so involved emotionally. I've talked to my husband about it a bit, but he can't really understand totally.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : because when we experience emotions this powerfully out of a sudden, undermining our mood and functioning this much, it becomes obvious that after 2 months of being unable to cope, time would not resolve the problem, but instead could worsen it. Time uses to deepen whatever is present in people, whether positive or negative, it does not have the power to change things. You said in the past you have experienced problems related to this but not this strongly, then there is a tendency for you to develop new episodes and disorders if you do not address this problem right away with necessary professional support.
Customer: Ok.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Then that could be at the very core of it. You have been repressing all your painful emotions and feelings, and when we do that using denial, avoidance or any pother destructive defenses, we push ourselves to become overwhelmed, and that leads to mood disorders. This is why psychotherapy plays a key role, allowing and supporting therapeutic ventilation of what affects the person's life.
Customer: Thanks I will make an appointment.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : We all need to get relief of what we feel and experience, otherwise we would become insane, it is a core need we all have, and that's why people who repress or distort effective expression and processing of feelings and emotions, end developing mental health problems, which show as mood, functioning and relationship issues.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : You need and deserve to feel good, relieved and supported, nobody can just offer support while neglecting herself. Please take gentle care and consistent action getting the support you need.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Good. I support you.
Customer: Yes. I'm normally a really happy, positive person, so this has knocked me for a loop. Thanks.
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