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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 394
Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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Customer Question

Hi!
I have been invaded for the past 30 years by obsessive thoughts of female domination, way before I got married. Quite often, I can achieve an orgasm only by imagining my wife slapping me etc... I believed that my thoughts were relevant of OCD I was diagnosed of and I used to be disturbed by these thoughts. I attended years of therapy for moderate marital issues. My wife who was diagnosed Borderline personality disorder improved a lot and became almost another person. Nevertheless I have been in a dominant relationship. My wife takes decisions, keeps business cards etc... My therapist convinced me that I am submissive and advised me to talk with my wife to experience once sexual domination. As a result, my wife accepted for one time to follow the advise. She dominated me and slapped me. My love for her grew so much. I fell so good. Today, I made peace with myself. I do not have any problem to admit and to disclose that I am a submissive man to women. Actually I have two problems and that's why I am wondering if you can me my therapist. I would love to cross dress privately. (I do not have any attraction for men).
2) My wife refuses to dominate me sexually while she does dominate me not sexually. My former therapist states that I have a sexual addiction and I should see a therapist specialized in sexual addiction. Do you agree?
.

Sincerely


Mordechai
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.
Hello there and thanks for asking JA. I would like to help. It would be hard to know if you have a sexual addiction before we can do an evaluation. Do you spend long time thinking about sex? Is your addiction affecting your marriage, job or other responsibilities? When you are talking about crossdressing, is the crossdressing sexual in nature? Do you sometimes feel like you are a woman in a man's body? Most crossdressers are not homosexual. So wanting to crossdress does not mean that you like men or that you are gay. Is the crossdressing part of the submisive fantacy?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I don,t think of this everyday. I have a kind of adoration for women. I feel women to be higher than men. I am fascinated by women. I feel as if I were a woman in man,s body. I feel as I were a male lesbian. I like to think of domination with very pretty women. Nothing discussed me from a woman. When I make love to my wife my most desire is to have my wife have an orgasm during oral sex and me swallowing her secretion. The hallmark of my problem is that even if I don,t think of this many times I cannot ejaculate or to be hard if I don,t think that I am leaking her anus etc...My wife is domineering. I am not allowed to keep check books or business cards. She commands me. And rebukes me quite a bit. I cannot respond because she would be so mad. In bed she rebukes me if I don,t find her clitoris. I cannot be spontaneous in bed, She knows what she wants and I,d better know it.
her behavior teases my old tendency, triggers it. But everything stops when sex arrives. She does not want to dominate me. I am very seduced by her muscles. I Wish to wrestle with her and loose. I do not want to be beated al the times. I would love to wash the dishes dressed in woman and let my wife rest. I would love to be sodomised by my wife while dressed as a woman. When I see a naked man, I am discussed. I cannot understand women. I did many tests online to know if I am a man or a woman. I was so happy and proud when the results were that I am a woman. I wish my wife not to be domineering at all not to wake up my tendency. Or if she wants to be domineering to be it all the way. I have a disease called primary hypogonadism. my testicles are atrophied which is the equivalence of a partial castration. I grew up with hormones which were not of a regular man. My wife does not want to dominate me. Should I keep secret and imagine domination to have pleasure.? Is it sexual addiction? by the way, I do not look at girls neither in the street neither on Internet. Should I see a therapist for sexual addiction? Should I have couple therapy? Thank you so much for your answer.
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.

Hello there, I think couples therapy and also individual therapy would help. I imagen that you are transexual and you should find a therapist who knows how to work with transgendered people. Your fantacies are normal for you. The reason for that is that you are a lesbian woman in a men's body. Yes hormons have so much to do with it. I have read some studies where small testicles can cause a feeling of being a female. I think couples therapy will help you but I think that figuring out your own gender identity will help more. Wanting your wife to dominate you is normal for you. I don't think you can force her to be dominant. I am glad you are not cheating. I think a couple therapist can help the two of you a lot. Good luck to you. I think if you contact your local GLBT office you will get more information about crossdressing

Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 394
Experience: I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
Penny Rayas, MFT and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.
Thanks so much for working with me.
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.
Hello there, I wanted to know how are things going between you and your wife
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I re-wrote my problem for more accuracy. Thank you very much for your opinion. As you can see I paid attention to your remarks.


FEMALE DOMINATION or FEMALE FASINATION?


For the past 30 years I have had thoughts of female domination have kept visiting me until now. They come back in an irregular fashion, usually lasting just for a few days, often many months apart, readily triggered by anxiety, lack of sleep, non-productive over-work and self-disappointment. The dominatrix of my thoughts is a very young girl or woman, fully dressed, very pretty, with a sweet, innocent and feminine looking. She is basically the contrast of the stereotype of the dominatrix. I have to admit that the dominatrix of my thoughts is the inaccessible girl of my dreams I would like to love and keep forever. In my thoughts, this girl slaps me, beats me up. I imagine wearing woman clothes and being sodomized by this girl. I have a kind of adoration for female. I am fascinated and attracted by femininity beyond logic. In my world of fantasies, licking the feet of a woman is not degrading at all. It is a normal way to show my recognition of the female supremacy.
MY MARRIAGE


My wife would like to have a manly husband strong and confident on which she can rely to unload her from the anxiety of the daily life. She would like to be comfortable in her position of woman in the passenger seat, letting her husband driving the household and business. However, her lack of trust in me and, her anxiety that I may fail the tasks force her to take the leadership of the household and of the business. I never discussed her leadership. As a result, she not only increased her level of stress from the burden of the leadership but added that from the frustration of not having the husband she wishes to have. Since for my part taking decision led more than once to rebukes and to undo what I did, I learned very soon not to bother. My wife keeps check books and business cards because she is afraid that I am going to lose them. I never fought against that. I often pretend not to see well to let my wife drive the car. She actually enjoys driving as I enjoyed being driven by her. When she is stressed she loses the boundaries of social skills, she gets angry and yells. She can easily be cruel and humiliating even in public. She does not tolerate any criticism. She does not realize that she hurts other's feelings, any response with a raised voice or tone either from me or from our children will be perceived as the initial aggression whose she is the victim. There was more than one clash between my wife and me which led to hours of dispute. I got tired of it. I learned to apologize for whatever rebuke I may receive. She commands me to come immediately to her to stand in front of her and not to move. I obey. She looks at me angrily and says a nasty remark because I don't walk fast enough, I accelerate my steps. When her stress is over, she will be back to a sweet and pleasant mood and will be another person. Her yells, rebukes and humiliating remarks to me often raised a rage that I tried to control turning into a suicidal feeling then into an arousing desire of female domination. Making love to my wife is like walking on eggshells. If I let go my emotions and get aroused and touch her at the wrong spot at the wrong time, she becomes angry, breaking then my loving emotion down to a painful frustration. I learned to develop my private life, in other words to avoid my wife as much as possible. I would stay late in the office, pretexting having work to do. When I have no choice to avoid sex, I look for arousing motivations. I imagine and hope that I will be able to give to her an oral sex that she will almost always refuse. Very often, I lose my erection or cannot ejaculate. I then have to imagine that I lick her sex and anus that she slaps me and only then I can achieve an orgasm.


EXPERIENCE OF FEMALE DOMINATION


3 or 4 months ago, my wife accepted to dominate me as a therapeutic experience. I asked her to slap my face. I did not feel any pain. I asked her to slap stronger and stronger. My pleasure was paroxysmal. The paradoxical effect of this experience stunned me and forced me to review what I thought of myself. After 20 years of marriage, I felt a tremendous love for my wife like a teenager. I felt happy, good and positive. My chronic tormented, depressed mood was gone. My relationship with my clients and employees got even better. I made peace with myself. The joy of the ceasefire was so intense that I accepted my submissiveness without any shame. I still feel today very comfortable with it. I told my wife that if she wants I do not have any problem to be her slave forever. I wish I could wear female clothes, wash the dishes while my wife would rest reading newspapers or be on computer. The fact is that my wife refuses to dominate me.
THE AFTERMATH


I am in a female-dominant relationship. My wife domination became a conscious intense sexual trigger which turns out to be painful as an interrupted sexual intercourse when not followed by actual sexual or physical domination. My wife has nothing to do with the source of my fantasies. Her stress-induced aggressive attitude has teased, triggered a vulnerable, ultra-sensitive part of my personality and therefore has revived and maintained my desire of female domination. The experience of domination brought all of this to my awareness and makes it now impossible not to be aroused from further aggressive attitude. I am seduced by the power of my wife, even her muscular power arouses me and that her physical control on me arouses me far more that her verbal control. It is not clear to me how to delineate submissiveness from masochism. On one hand my submissiveness is made of Love. Femininity is the opposite of the cold brutality of the world. Femininity is the opposite of bestiality. Femininity is sweetness and beauty. It is more sensual than sexual. The same way that I don’t feel myself to be able to refuse anything to a little girl I feel subjugated to the charm of a feminine female. On the other hand if my female employees would command me, I would be so excited. If they would slap me, spank me to make me work faster they would be probably very surprised of my pleasure and obedience. I know that I have a lack of self-esteem by large contributed by ADD and hormone- dependent gender identity disorder. I also know that I have a rage against me for all of my failures with morbid desire a self-punishment. In my early years, my desire of Love story seems to have come rather from an idealistic romantic novel than from a down to earth attitude. It seems that I have not yet forgiven myself to have failed and that I keep punishing myself by the very same object of the missed love. My fascination for femininity is not logical. My fascination is selective. I am fascinated by femininity not by all women. My fascination for femininity hides a deeper meaning either due to persistent and desperate search for mother due to a not fulfilling mother-child relationship or due a mechanism of false-self due to overpowering presence of my father over my mother or due to gender identity disorder or all of the above.


I believe that it is all of the above. I became aware of my femininity and feel very comfortable with. I have a severe deficiency of male hormones with probably overpowering natural female hormones which have played a major role in the development of my personality. My former therapist told me that the dominatrix young girl of my dreams is me. I was shocked to hear that. Today I feel very comfortable with this idea. I did recently online tests of sex identity. I got so happy and proud to be found to be a female. I feel actually that I am a male lesbian. The male sex makes me very uncomfortable. It disgusts me. Big testicles make me think of an animal. I hate the company of masculine male. I am wondering if the female domination fantasy I have comes from the female that I may be who fights again the man's body.


MY WIFE


I became aware of the ambivalence of my wife. If she is not under stressed she is very human, devoted, generous, attentive and sweet. She has been very supportive since she knew my intimate life. She is a very pure and sincere individual. She is very talented and very intelligent. She does not know how to fake; she does not know how to lie. She is real. Her emotions are at the skin level. There is no "diplomatic" layers that interfere. By the same token and this is a doubled-edge sword, when she is stressed, her emotions will overwhelm her. She will lose total control over what may hurt others. She does not hear the way she speaks. When my wife is not stressed she can, then, express herself at a deeper level. Her emotional world started with a build-up of continuous fear and threat to be beaten up by an overpowering violent and egocentric father, himself victim of child abuse. She has a fear to be controlled by a man and a fear that her body be under control. The male model she grew up with is the home authority figure that every ones has to respect. On one hand, she probably project in all fathers and husband an image of a strong, powerful, self-confident man. On the other hand, she is probably frightened by such a man. She sustained many criticisms from her father who then was very demanding. My wife was not able to build a normal self-confidence. She remained very sensitive to remarks and will believe my jokes or remarks as rebukes or blame. She is dominant out of anxiety and stress disorder. Violence reminds too much her childhood. She was so in pain to have slapped me.


CONCLUSION


It is not clear to me how to score all components of my personality. If I felt secure in bed I would probably not need to be beaten. I am afraid that the labeling of sexual addiction may obscure the real problem and even more may sidetrack the focus of therapy away form couple therapy. My wife sexual domination seems to be the appropriate treatment to my inner and marital torments that works well.
Anyway, for whatever reason I had not been manly, it seems that the first question is if I become manly by whatever therapy can my wife tolerate a manly husband? What credit to give to any therapy I may have if the trigger of female aggression is still there? Is it realistic to expect that my wife can get rid of her stress reaction? Is getting rid of female domination fantasy, tough ethical, dangerous for our couple? After all, our marriage is maybe based on a submissive man who fell in love with a dominant-looking girl and vice versa. Our marriage actually grew a lot even despite turbulences. I doubt that manly men would be still around. Another question is: will the recognition of her domination and acceptance of sexual domination help my wife to resolve and close a deep malaise that dates back from her childhood? Could the persistence female sexual domination harm my couple? Should I start with individual therapy or with couple therapy? If I need individual therapy what will be the target; Self-esteem disorder, sexual addiction, gender identity disorder or masochism?


Thank you very for your response


Sincerely


 


 


Mordechai M


 

Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.

Hello there, I can see your well thought letter. I think you really know who you are and want you want. I see that your identity is one of a female and you can only answer why in your fantacy you would want to be dominated hit and misstreated by a sweet dominant female. I don't think anything is wrong with adult sexually as long as it is safe and both adults want to participate. I see from your writings that it triggers your wife because of a painful childhood. You really love your wife and it seams that you relationship is good and you communicate openly. I think finding a sex therapist for couples would be a good way to go. I think the two of you are trying to communicate your sexuality and what feels good for each one of you. I see you stuck as a couple.

I am not sure that your wife shares your fantacy. I am not sure that she would identify as lesbian and if she tries to make you into someone you are not you will become anxious. On the other hand you can't make her someone who she is not either.

I can read the pain in your words, that you do not want to loss your wife. I also see that you need to be who you are or you will loss yourself. Maybe in therapy the two of you can find a sexual middle ground that makes sense for you two as a couple. I do encourage you to see a couples therapist that specialises on sex therapy.

There is nothing wrong with what yoou want or with what you wife wants the problem is finding the middle ground were you both can be yourselves in one relationship.

Try a few therapist and make sure that they are educated, informed about sexuality and none-judmental. Look for a therapist that specialises on trangendered individuals. I am not sure your previous therapist was a transgendered specialist. Maybe you are finding out who you are as a woman also. I think you need individual and couples therapy by two different therapist. I see that you have done so much inner work and search. I see a lot of love between you and your wife so I hope you can work it out. Please call your local LBGT office and ask for a referral.

Again it has been a pleasure working with you.

I work with the LBGT community in my town and your story is very common. Any therapist who works with the community would know how to help you.

Please let me know how it goes.

Penny

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Penny Rayas, MFT
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I have 20 years experience in the mental health field