1. I don't know if it matters, but I left my cat and allowed my parents to euthanize her at age 9 for peeing inside - something that goes against every moral fiber of my body. I refused to talk about her for 3 years, it is only now that I can allow myself to think about her without breaking down shame and guilt.
2. My husband is so loving, and I don't reciprocate at all enough. I'm selfish and always do whatever I want to do, even though i know he wants to spend more time with me. I love him so much, but sometimes he demands more love than I have to give. I think he has a bigger heart than I.
3. I was always the difficult child, and I hate who I become when my parents are around. I don't know why I can't stand them, and feel the only way is to stay away and never see them. I live on a separate continent from my family and plan to keep it that way.
4. I'm visiting my home country now, and I'm pretty sure I saw my grandma for the last time today. I hadn't seen her in 2 years and she was fine then. Now she is alive but under horrible conditions, we would never allow animals to suffer like this. Yet, I never said I loved her before I left and she knew I wouldn't come back. It was the worst thing I have ever seen and she probably thinks I am indifferent to the end of her life.
I'm beginning to panic
because I have so many things that I can't allow myself to think about or be reminded of, because I break down and cry. I have to work and don't want anyone to think/know that I am an emotional mess. Oddly, I have been able to keep myself busy and appear happy and energetic, but it's getting harder to escape the guilt piling up and thoughts closing in from every direction. What do I do to not crawl up in a ball and lose it? I'm filled with guilt and shame for being unable to accept and take in other people, show love and deal with emotions, but I need to move forward and not look back. I try not to resort to hyperventilating. I have so many beautiful things in life, but I'm always afraid that I am going to ruin them.