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Dear Kate, Thank you for your advice and the provided links. They are helpful. The problem I'm facing is deep down I desperately want to be in a relationship with him, while my mind keeps telling me to stay away. I can manage staying away for a day or three and then start obsessing... I hate myself for not being able to resist seeking contact with him. How can I stop myself? My self-esteem has become extremely low because of it.
Our last communication (after he asked to see a therapist together with me) ended up in his getting angry again (the slightest thing can spark him off) calling me a slut and saying i was never going to change, that i was sick in the head etc etc. So I hung up saying that breaking off all contact is best. But I find myself on the couch with heart palpitations when I think about him. It's almost as if indeed - I am the 'sick' one and have control issues? I know it's never going to work out, it will always be about his distrust and power play/manipulations. It means I would always have to maintain a submissive role. I think there's something about his not being 'truthful' (at least that's what I'm strongly sensing, that he is actually seeing other women) that I can't handle, the injustice... if only he would be honest!!!
At the same time I'm telling myself: but what does it matter? You've broken up! He still has a hold on me. It's really ruining my life and especially focus and happiness.
Another thing that I find unsettling is when I read things about narcissism (such as the links you sent me), I find myself thinking that I might actually have it! Am I not trying to manipulate him into a reaction?
He's not budging. He hasn't in the pas 8 months. It's all felt like one big punishment. Why do I keep hanging on?
ps - I am seeing a therapist myself. I have been in and out of therapy for a long time. Perhaps his actions simply speak to my deepest fears? Abandonment? Rejection?
I did indeed only just now rate (I'm sorry, I'm new to this site and live in Amsterdam!) and tried to leave a tip, I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong because the payment doesn't seem to be coming through. I tried various credit cards and paypal. I will keep trying. Kind regards,
Thank you very much Kate, this is very helpful. I hate the panic attacks but they fade out and will lessen in time, I'm sure!