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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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Hi, I would like to know how to get a narcissist type to realize their manipulative lies i

Customer Question

Hi, I would like to know how to get a narcissist type to realize their manipulative lies in order to get what they want. I'm dealing with my own mother who seems to find something wrong about me since I live far away and tries to control the amount of time I spend with her, and way of acknowledging her by demanding more and more out of me, and creating a reason every time she sees me to be angry with me and have me say sorry for this and that. I tried confronting her and I don't know how this will evolve as I tried for the first time to be more honest than usual knowing how sensitive she is to going into a complete rage with me and my father. I need advice please on how to talk to her... She will not admit she has any issues or will not see a psychologist if it's coming from us.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts : Hello, thank you for your post. I would like to assist you. I need some time to formulate my answer/to provide you with the most helpful information. You will be notified when I post my response. I will have that answer/information for you within the hour. Thanks again!
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

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If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you. I appreciate a well thought through response as this is not a normal situation. Another thing that might help you think is that she has a lot of painful memories from some fights with us and other family in her padt and has a bug complex about not feeling respected enough. She now threatens with divorcing my dad and getting away from all of us. She is suffering a mid age crisis since my sister and I left the house. Thanks i know this is not a straightforward response but wiuld like to know what is the best psychology to use with her when confronting her- accepting her as a crazy person or trying to make her see reality by making her feel she can lose me which she prob doesnt think as i have always been there.
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your patience in waiting for my response. First of all, I am sorry you have had to and continue to suffer with such a self centered and manipulative person- especially difficult, it being your mother!

Someone with such traits rarely seek out treatment. A problem needs to be identified and responsibility taken to work towards resolving conflict equally and cooperatively. The likelihood this will happen is slim. It's a struggle for those who love them, because they love them, and feel obligated to remain in their life- it's your mom! She is suffering, not acknowledging her "problem", and you end up "taking it", and suffering- vs. her.

It tends to be a game: your mother being in the mindset of "me against the world" goal to get everyone to watch me, need me, focus on me, be kept off balance by me.... It can feel like a black hole or vacuum getting sucked into this. It is hurtful to you because it can make you question your own reality because in her mind and reality she is RIGHT- and no one can convince otherwise. They are not right, but they feel better when they get us to carry their burden- of their illness and behavior.

It can be beneficial, as it sounds like you have done, to educate yourself about this. A couple of books to consider are: Meaning From Madness, Understanding the Hidden Patterns that Motivate Abusers: narcissists, borderlines, sociopaths. by Richard
Skerritt.

Disarming the Narcissist, Surviving and Thriving with the self absorbed by Wendy T Behary.

One has to consider what they want out of interaction/engagement with the person. If you are looking for equal treatment, acknowledged, recognition, or being significant in her eyes....sadly you may be wiser to move on. It takes a lot of energy with a poor prognosis for success.

If you have little choice but to interact keep these things in mind:

-demand little expect little

-be willing to listen a lot, listen carefully

-find ways to provide positive recognition/validation frequently

-honest and sincere in your validation and praise

-don't worry will make her more self-centered by praising/validating

-avoid challenging her wishes or desires- she likely has a low tolerance for frustration

-if all else fails, smile lots, keep quiet- it's all part of the "game" she plays

If you must be in her life, be patient, protect yourself from her selfishness, arrogance etc.

Some find it helpful finding a support group of others who love a narcissist.

The use of "I" statements in communicating may diffuse some of her defensiveness

Some good videos that explain communication with such a person. Go to You Tube and put in Victoria Lorient-Faibish, therapist who demonstrates a form of communication that can help aid you in speaking to her. One particular video to search for: Narcissistic Parent: Collateral Damage.

A bit of food for thought. It's a difficult one for sure. Your energy may be best put into your self care, support, protecting yourself from the "collateral damage".

Best wishes to you. Let me know if you have other comments or questions.
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
http://www.drnadig.com/feelings.htm I made reference to "I" statements. It's a form of communication that promotes less defensiveness in those we are trying to communicate with. This is a web link for additional information about this form of communication.

An example: "I feel hurt, sad..(whatever emotion is) when this happens...., I wish...." When we use "I" statements it's less of the "finger pointing", and more owning our feelings. The person on the receiving end may be more apt to "hear" you vs. feel attacked, blamed, etc.

Validation, validation, validation is important with her. I do believe she is hurt, wounded, and has gone into a rock hard place in her self as a defense mechanism.

A combination of validation and being assertive communication with "I" statements is likely the best route to take.

Thanks!!
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Jean and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you very much!
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
I do hope the info. helps. Please let me know if I can help again. You can request "JeanN/20pluscounts" if you need assistance again. Do know this situation would be challenging, and trying for anyone- hang in there. Take good care of YOU!

I'm glad to help!

Take Care,

Jean

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