1) Is there low mood almost persistently present throughout of the day and having been present since more than 2 weeks duration ?
The low mood comes and goes in its intensity so no, it has not been present for a constant period of 2 weeks. Sometimes its like a thin film and other times (like the last week) it feels like a heavy blanket. But the most persistent 'feeling' is rapid heart beat and a sensation of needing to breathe fast. I am fidgety and restless and frustrated that I cant seem to function efficiently or get things done without my body resorting to exhaustion!
2) Do you lack pleasure in previously pleasurable activities like going out with friends and family , watching television, etc ?
Yes, I find I am avoiding all social contact, not calling friends back (it all seems like too much effort and I dont want to have to pretend to be my usually bubbly positive self).
I have had a few days off work after a bleed/scare. Doctors orders were bedrest and I would normally have loved to think about a few days of resting and watching tv but I have found the reality impossible to relax into. I am a busy productive woman and the support system in my family as well as for some of my friends. My job is a supportive role (I manage a Naturopathic clinic and am helping to build the business and support the principal). i am hoping that I have not learned over the years to define my sense of self worth or ok-ness from what I do, from my productivity. Or I hope I am not avoiding facing my own 'stuff' by supporting others as a distraction. I am willing to look at these options.
3) You have mentioned that you have poor sleep and appetite ?kindly validate this ?
I should be eating and feeling hungry being pregnant but I just have no interest in eating. I am forcing myself to eat healthily but only because I want to provide great nutrition for my baby, not for the pleasure or hunger/desire to eat.
I am very tired all the time but cannot stay asleep or fall back to sleep easily after waking. I am sure that it doesnt help having to get up constantly to pee (the joys of pregnancy) but I am noticing my 'fragile' sleep patterns and tendency to be busy in my head all the time.
4) Do you get tired rapidly and feel fatigued almost all the time ?
Yes, yes and yes
5) Your work and interpersonal and social responsibilities and life have begin to suffer owing to this ?
Yes, I normally work three long days per week (12 hour days). These hours have been structured (as opposed to full time) because I already have a ten year old son and so he, my husband and home are my first priority. I have had all week off which has put substantial pressure on my boss. She has been gracious about it but I feel the rest hasnt 'touched the sides'. Originally my time off was about my bleeding and need to rest but I am realising that it runs deeper than that. The clearing of my agenda has made feelings rise that I feel I must have a look at.
6) Do you have negative ideas and feel worthless ?
I dont feel worthless. I feel loved and valued by my husband and son. I like me and I normally enjoy being me. I am happy we are expecting and my husband is a beautiful and supportive man. My 10 yr old son is a delight and I am grateful for my family.
I was a single parent for the first 8 years of his life and it was very tough but happy at the same time. I do concede that it is possible it took a toll that I have not fully processed.
Its empowering to find the strength to leave an abusive situation and then to find happiness. I learned that I had chosen poor treatment in my relationship with my son's father but then I felt empowered to have left that situation, mothered my son well on my own and then attracted and been attracted to a healthy balanced man who loves me as much as I love him.
My being pregnant is reminding me of some severe emotional and psychological abuse I suffered with my first partner but I feel quietly confident that my life now is a process of re-writing some sad
memories with some beautiful ones. My son's dad was repulsed by me when pregnant and it hurt me deeply to hear his insults, suffer his flaunted infidelity and feel rejection. My husband now is the complete opposite... he loves me, accepts me and demonstrates it regularly in many ways. I feel certain of him and unafraid of a repetition of the treatment and yet the reminder of that past hurts sometimes. Like mourning?
I realise that I am having trouble adjusting to the physical difficulty I am experiencing with this pregnancy. I am ten years older so I realise I need to cut myself a little slack! My last pregnancy was trouble free - I glowed! But this time, I am very ill all the time, very tired and just not well. This has surprised me because obviously I had a memory of loving being pregnant and enjoying every second of it... but any suffering is still completely worth it in the end.
It is affecting my ability to work, my productivity around the home and I notice that I struggle with accepting that about myself. I am disappointed and feel let down by my body in a way. My husband is very helpful and happy/willing to do everything around the house but I feel bad about it.
Its my stuff that I need to define and process. Intellectually I can acknowledge the value of growing a baby and the beauty of a team mentality and support network in my home but I feel like I am failing to 'pull my weight'.
When I read it all back, I feel tired. So many words but it only scrapes the surface. I lot for you to take on and wrap your head around but I do so very much appreciate you for hearing me.