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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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My boyfriend and I (of 5 years) just got back together after

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My boyfriend and I (of 5 years) just got back together after a 7 week break, because we weren't getting along and needed space.
Two years ago, we went through a rough patch and I cheated on him by kissing my friend on my birthday get together. He wasn't there, which made me angry. My friend kissed me and I pulled away instantly.. But could never find the right time to tell him until someone else ended up telling him. We sorted it all out and it's all good until now. We spoke recently about all the problems we had between us and that came up again because he didn't believe I have been faithful to him whilst on the break, even though technically I was a single girl. I don't think it's fair what he's doing. He is putting all the burden on me, when the break was mutual. He tells me after 2 years he still can't trust me completely and when my birthday comes up he can't get excited for me.
I want to be with him, I love him but he has changed, and I don't know if it's worth me sticking around for anymore? He has changed his lifestyle in the past 7 weeks and I don't know if he is genuine about getting back with me. He never made any attempt to contact me through the break as he promised.
Please help?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I am available to assist you

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Thank you for your post. I am sorry for this struggle in your relationship

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You know in your heart the truth- your boyfriend, for some reason is struggling, and it may be time, and a process for him to let down his guard.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's not fair to put all the burden on you. In order for a relationship to weather such a storm- each has to meet in the middle, be willing to compromise, take responsibility for their part- as you have

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If you are being truly honest with your boyfriend, what more can a girl do?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Can you continue in this relationship knowing he does not trust you?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Certainly, giving it some time, allowing him time to come to terms with this while you continue to have a relationship. You could ask him what more you can say, what more you can do to make up for what has happened. Like you said you were a single girl at the time.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You must mean a great deal to him that he is hurt so deeply.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You as one person in a relationship can only do so much- right!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You said you just bot back together after the 7 week break- what makes you question if he is being genuine?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

The burden should not lie completely on you- especially since the break was "mutual", like you said.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

This happened two years ago! There may be more going on than just that incident- but he is projecting blame onto you, vs. being honest about what he's truly thinking and feeling. You said he did not contact you as he had promised during the break...and that he changed his lifestyle- thus playing a part in this conflict.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

In order to go forward each of you will have to be willing to be honest, take responsibility for your contribution- as you have- and agree to forgive, and decide what direction this is moving in.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's important to you that he gets excited for big events in your life such as your birthday. There is little to nothing you can do with what happened two years ago!! It's difficult, I'm sure, to consider he has changed, that the relationship has changed. Unless he gives you more information about what is really going on you are left to "fill in the blanks", guess, speculate etc. He needs to be more forthcoming such as if his feelings have changed, vs. projecting it all onto you- that is not fair.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Sorry I missed you on line- please post any additional comments or questions you may have and I will respond asap. Thank you again for your post.

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
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