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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I just found incest porn through literotica on my fiances

Customer Question

I just found incest porn through literotica on my fiance's computer. He is reading a story about a young man having sex with his sister and mother. I know he had a smothering mother and a lot of childhood issues. He masturbates to porn regularly and has had a phone sex partner that I discovered as well. We go to a therapist...am I crazy to consider marrying him? We are both middle aged and this will be a second marriage. Thanks.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see why you feel this concerned.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me for how long have you been together, and how did you find out about his phone sex partner?

Customer: 3 years. I first discovered her via his email. He said he stopped talking to her and the two years later I saw an email from her and learned he had been in touch the whole time. We worked on it in therapy but I'm having a hard time trusting him.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very sad and frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then he has not been honest towards you for long. The sexual behaviors you described before, when isolated and not that frequent could not represent major concern, but when happening together as a pattern, they could easily point at sex & love addiction. Here we are talking an adult who regularly uses porn, masturbates, keeps secrets, is not loyal and presents other dysfunctional behaviors which together represent a serious situation for anybody in your shoes, since this is not about an isolated man feeling needy and lonely, but one that is in a relationship for three years and still actively involved in all these sexual behaviors.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He has been in therapy but he has perpetuated same patterns, what shows he has not been truly honest and consistent with such support, and obviously disrespectful and dishonest towards you. I think you are absolutely right when feeling concerned about your relationship and the soundness of beholding marring a person with these several and serious sexual - addictive and trust issues.

Customer: We have talked in therapy about this being sexual addiction. I left him after discovering the phone sex was still happening but went back after therapy. I'm about to sell my house and move in with him and just found the incest porn. I don't know what to do at this point.
Customer: He has had performance issues with me but we've world through them. I think he has difficulty with intimacy.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but everything hare points at sexual addiction and all the typical issues around addictions from denial, to avoidance, manipulation and dishonesty, lack of accountability and disrespect. As with any addiction, these are chronic conditions, where rehabilitation is possible but only if regular and responsible treatment is started and maintained in the person's regular life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Without the person being truly honest and taking full responsibility for how own rehabilitation process, the situation would be hopeless and would only get worse with time. most times next to addictions we find other mental health disorders, from depression to anxiety disorders, and obviously sexual disorders too like in his case.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In this case it is obvious he is actively in to his addiction and mental health disorders, then anything happening in his life would continue to depend and be undermined by such reality. My suggestion is for you to develop a very realistic and proactive approach, setting realistic and assertive boundaries and expectations here, in order to take good care of yourself and not to get even more hurt .

Customer: It must be obvious that I have been doing some surveillance. I know this is wrong but I'm afraid of making a mistake. Now that I've found this kind of porn, should I gently talk to him about it?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unless a person is able to work on self and resolve core serious issues, including getting stable into his rehabilitation process from addictive and mental health disorders, that person would not be able to play a healthy role in relationships, even less to take good care of a close adult - romantic relationship. Real commitment would be unrealistic too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely. There is no way for anybody to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship without total honesty and openness,

Customer: He's in therapy. I just don't know the context of his sessions. He sees a sex therapist.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Here words could be useful, but many times are used to manipulate people too, that's why I invite people to trust consistent actions in time at different levels more than believing in words.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

People presenting addictions with these serious problems for this long require consistent intensive individual, group and family therapy, and only as long as they show real progress and not being actively into the addictions but rehabilitating, they could commit to regular individual psychotherapy plus regular participation in a support group. If the person is not able to do this, then intensive inpatient treatment should be taking into account.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Again, any form of treatment, even those with the adequate approach and support, would become useless if the person is not being truly honest, accountable and consistent taking actions to work on his rehabilitation process.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: It does. It's hard to know the truth. You're saying his therapy may be a form of manipulation ? He is honest about his issues, but only after I've "caught" him.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then reality is showing you he is not being honest unless pushed by evidence, and that the pattern persists after long periods of time, which is consistent with a person actively into an addiction. He uses porn and masturbates regularly, and these are at the very core of what fuels the whole addiction, it would be unrealistic to expect a person with sex addiction to rehabilitate at all while actively perpetuating addictive sexual behavior, even more when the core issues remain after years.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Attending psychotherapy sessions does not mean the person is effectively working on his rehabilitation process, unless he does benefits from such support taking consistent and responsible actions in his real daily life. Many people could spend years in therapy without showing any significant improvement, and even using therapy as an extra tool to create an unreal image, leading other people to believe they are truly changing. Unhappily it is also true that there are many incompetent and unethical therapist who could enable the very addictions and dysfunctions playing a codependent role, while keeping clients who are not truly working on their rehabilitation process, but representing a stable source of income for them.

Customer: I understand. Thank you for your insight.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust.

Customer: Should I leave or keep working on it?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

My suggestion is for you to continue working on taking good care of yourself with psychoptherapeutic support, without making any significant change in your life before sure about what you are doing, that it's truly what you want and that you have certainty that you are willing to afford the consequences of your choices. In this specific case, I would never suggest anybody in your shoes to make radical life changes getting deeper into the relationship, because of the serious and chronic issues the other person presents. rehabilitation is possible, but if it happens, it would take time, hard work, a lot of professional support and facing painful experiences and affording consequences from his choices and actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please reassess your core needs and expectations about this relationship, being very realistic and knowing the pros ad cons you would have to afford depending on your choices, in that way you would take good care of yourself, without allowing anybody to use, abuse, neglect or manipulate you, in obvious or subtle ways, since that's, unhappily the case, whenever people have serious issues like he does, and get involved in relationship without taking full responsibility, essential to respect, understand, and support the other person.

Customer: Thank you again. I have a lot to think about.
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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