I have had trust issues with my current wife now for years and even before we were married that came from past child hurts and relationships and even some that I thought existed within our relationship. I am guilty of maybe exaggerating issues and maybe even making things up in my mind that never happened. Anyway because of this and the way I felt I built walls up around myself and between us and never fully allowed myself to trust her and love her the way that she says she loves me. This caused of course many bad arguments and distant between us over the past few years. We have tried counselling and all that and things were getting better for myself and her and us, until we moved away and went somewhere else to live for work. Then things slowly got bad again between us again and my doubts about her and us and the trust issues arouse again. The past fights and of course the new fights eroded our intimacy together as well and which I of course took it further and read more into it than what it was or is. By suggesting that she does not want to be with me physically because she is with someone else and so on. She has refused intimacy with me on many occasions, both sober and after drinking. This of course making the cycle worse and repeating the bad behaviour over again. The funny thing is we both madly love each other and most of the times things are great and we feel connected in ways both of us admit that we have never felt in any other relationship. We have fun together and are never bored and are each other’s best friends and want to spend the rest our lives together. We talk about everything and share and are open and honest with each other as far as I know to the point of sharing some pretty scary stories of past wrongs in our lives and relationships and have felt safe within each other’s arms while doing so.
So the problem comes from the other night when we had a large fight again and I was in one of my moods and she went to bed drunk after what was a fun flirty night with lingerie fashion show form both of us. She refused sex again and I was upset and so I went to sleep on the couch down stairs. Well I being upset and sexual aroused and after drinking I made a bad and very poor decision to call a call girl. I wanted to call it off from the moment I called and said yes to having her come by; I wish I had. However I had her come over and we kissed. Then she started to perform oral sex with me with a condom on and I could not get fully erect and so I did
a little oral on her and tried to get hard. However I could not and she tried to get it into her with no luck, she however still made me cum with some rubbing. I was not feeling good about the whole situation and very sad
and ashamed of myself and asked her to leave. I was crying and ashamed and could not look at her. This all happened downstairs on the living room couch while she slept upstairs.
I now feel so full of guilt and shame and hurt and disgust at myself for allowing this to happen. To hurt the one I am supposed to love and the one that loves me. The one that I have trust issues with and the one who always says she trusts me completely. Then I am the one to go and do something like this. She is supposed to be my friend and lover. Funny and not so funny that It takes or took something like this to kind of jolt me and realize some of my feelings. I now know how she must feel when I accuses her of things and how much hurt that must cause her and how much pain I put her in for doing so. I also now realize that I have been blocking our love and intimacy by my actions and the way I fell, not her. I know realize how much I really do love her and do not want to hurt her or continue the same pattern and or actions and truly want to make her happy and do the right thing by her. I want to love her and be the man that she wants and deserves and make her happy. Should I tell her as I have told her everything about what I have just done, as I feel she has a right to know and is supposed to be my friend, my lover and we are supposed to have trust in each other? I feel that this erodes that trust even more and is unfair to keep this from her. I feel she deserves the choice on how to feel about this and to react and make decisions accordingly. I am not sure how this is going to affect her, me and us long term whether I tell or not tell her. All I know is that I do not want to do further damage to her, us or myself and I love her and want her to know and finally show her how much I love her.
1/ Is it selfish or selfless, not to tell her or to tell her?
2/ Should I walk away and leave her, after telling or not telling her?
3/ Is it crazy to believe or does it make sense that something like this kind of wrong can make things right? That I might now realize like I said above and do what it takes from myself to make her happy, give her what she needs, wants and deserves and that in that process it will help me as well?