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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1758
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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This question is for CoachJenK. When you have a chance, I

Customer Question

This question is for CoachJenK.  When you have a chance, I just would like to talk to you.  You always make me feel a little better.  I still go to my therapist and I'm actually seeing her today.  I still haven't had a boyfriend or a date. I didn’t do the volunteering thing you suggested.   I still have intense feelings for my roommates (ex?) boyfriend.  He doesn't feel the same.  He's definitely had time to say it but no he comes home with my roommate tonight.  So yeah, that's done and I feel like I can't even be his friend anymore because it hurts.


 


But I realized my whole desperation for dating started when my grandfather got really sick last July.  He had leukemia and last year was about the 10th year he’s lived with it.  He stopped getting chemo and in March said he would start again, but by then it was too late and his body couldn’t fight the reoccurring pneumonia and urinary tract infections he kept getting.  He passed away Thursday night.  I still can’t believe he’s gone.  But since then I've talked on here and with my therapist and it was mentioned that the dating might be an obsessive thought brought on by anxiety.  Makes sense, but I still would like to date and not feel like an unwanted misfit.


 


Meanwhile, 2 weeks ago my roommate broke up with her boyfriend.  First she basically wanted to know when they were going to get married and have kids and he realized its no time soon and he can’t even picture it with her.  Then when they were going to talk through things he had all these reasons for not wanting to get back together.  But then she went out tonight and he showed up at the bar and then came home with her.  It’s like I feel crushed on so many levels.  I went to the movies with him last Sunday while they were still broken up.  I didn’t really see this coming and especially not now.  It’s too painful to be his friend when I have more than friend feelings. 


 


Also, I feel like I’m never going to have anyone.  I appreciate you saying all the things you usually say about working on my weight and going out and all that.  But I feel like I’m the ultimate exception to the rule.  The only men ever interested in men are older than my father.  I’ve never had a boyfriend, I’m still a virgin, and I’ve never had a second date.  I’m 36.  I don’t see anything changing unless I settle for an old man.  


 


I was taking an online dating course by April Beyer which is really good and helpful but I feel like its helpful for people who have had dates, not me.  I feel like something is wrong with me.  Yes, I’m overweight but it’s never gotten me down like this until now. 


 


I feel absolutely lost.  My life is broken and I don’t feel like there’s anyway to fix it.  I really don’t know what to do at this point. 


And while volunteering is great, its not me.  I guess eventually when I realize that alone is all I’m ever going to know, then volunteering will be something to do, but I don’t see any man ever wanting me because no one ever has.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Camille-Mod replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

My name is XXXXX XXXXX I am the Moderator for this topic. Coach JenK is not available right now, but I have sent her a message to follow up with you here, when she comes back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience!

Camille

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you!

Expert:  Camille-Mod replied 1 year ago.
HI, I am very sorry for the long wait, would you like me to open your quesiton to other professionals?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

No that's ok. Thanks for asking. It's been a busy weekend and I haven't really been around anyway. Thanks again.

Expert:  Camille-Mod replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

I am sorry but unfortunately I have exhausted all of my efforts to find a professional to answer your question. Since we have such a wide variety of professionals who come on randomly, it is possible that your question could be answered at a later time. You may repost it in a day or two if you’d like. Its difficult to predict which professionals will be on at which day and time.
Again, I am sorry for the inconvenience.

Thank you,

Camille

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thanks. That's why I requested CoachJenK. People aren't too interested in helping me here. Thanks.

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.
I am so sorry to read the thread above. I did not get any notification that you were looking for me...I would have responded. I just got a note now from the moderator and jumped to it immediately. You are absolutely important and I am glad you have reached back out.

Your feelings are strong and intense but I am very happy to hear of the work you are doing with your therapist especially around your Grandfather and I am so sorry to hear of your loss. There could absolutely be some correlation.

In my conversations with you I have always suggested that you step outside your comfort zone....do some things that you normally haven't or wouldn't and that is why I suggested volunteering. The activity isn't as important as is you pushing yourself to get out there. I always hear your feelings and know how deeply you feel them, but i am not resigned like you are....keep putting yourself out there...with others instead of the roommates boyfriend. There is someone out there who may feel just like you and is just waiting to meet you. Please keep opening up to your therapist and exploring your feelings and think about stepping outside your comfort zone to do new activities.

Again, I am so sorry that I did not receive any notification until this moment.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

It's ok for the late reply. I wasn't expecting any mind blowing explanation or revelations, but you do seem to make me feel better which is why I wanted to talk to you.


 


As far as the roommates ex, after this weekend the only thing I can say about him is "ew". He is a nice and caring guy but this weekend when I needed my friends the most, he pretty much ignored me. We always talked and had a great relationship before, but I guess before they broke up my roommate said how the relationship I have with him upsets her because he tells me things he never tells her. So I think he's taking that as a reason not to talk to me so that he can ease her into the "friends with benefits" relationship that he wants. She cries every day because that's not what she wants at all and seeing how selfish he's being now, to her feelings and to my grief, it's disgusting to me.


 


It's like in addition to losing my grandfather last week, I lost a good friend. I've never had a guy friend that I felt that close to, and now he disgusts me. My emotions for him are back to the days when my roommate first started dating him and I just considered him another of her loser boyfriends. Yes, for the most part he's still caring to her, but it only seems to be because he knows he can't be pressured for marriage and kids by her in the awkward relationship they have going on now.


 


But other than his personality this weekend, he's the kind of guy I would like. But I don't see that happening for me at all. I feel like to get anyone, I would have to settle. Today I asked my roommate to not let me meet anyone from a dating site for a few months because I just need to feel close to someone now and I know it will lead me to a lot of bad decisions.


 


As far as my comfort zone, EVERYTHING seems out of my comfort zone. I just worry that I'm going to latch onto the first guy that takes any interest in me.


 

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.
What? I didn't say anything mind blowing? I have to work on my skills. :-).
I dont think you will settle because you are too smart. I do believe the day will come when you feel differently. Right now you are dealing with a lot of loss and when you feel that you go inward and feel as if you will always be alone. Take it slow and breathe through those moments.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok... mini-mind blowing? :)


 


Thank you. I think I will still always worry about settling and not knowing what I should be doing. My roommate is very helpful and says that basically no one knows what they should be doing. But I still feel like I'm at a greater disadvantage than most. Also, I told my roommate Friday and then my therapist Saturday that I feel like my grandfather and my dad have been the most important men in my life especially since I haven't dated. And when both of them are gone, what am I going to do? I feel a little bit lost.


 


My roommate also recently lost her grandfather so she's been very helpful this week, despite going through her own drama with the guy. She plans to go with me to meet up groups that go to the nearby racetrack and to local bars. At least then both of us will meet new people and still be around someone we're comfortable with. That is definitely out of both of our comfort zones.


 


And other than volunteering, matchmakers that charge ridiculous amounts of money, and bars, I really don't know where to meet men and I would especially like one with the same interests as mine. It seems really rare that a guy with my interests is actually interested in a girl like men. He doesn't have to be identical to men, but a lot in common would be nice because I hate feeling the odd one out because I still like video games and anime.


 


 

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.
give yourself some time to grieve...it is bringing up a lot of your painful feelings which is normal. I do like the plan with your friend. Take some pressure off and make it less about meeting someone and more about going out with a friend and having fun. You deserve that.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1758
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I'm still feeling about the same if not worse.

 

My roommate doesn't really talk to her ex any more. For a while she had about 6 guys (including the ex) to choose from. Then she narrowed it down to one. Of course it's the one she wasn't interested in when they met and she tried to pawn him off on me because he is more my type, but like I told her, it doesn't work that way. He's interested in her and it's not like we're twins and it'd be easy for him to transfer that interest to me. After she broke up with the ex she was abstaining from sex to get to know the guys before adding sex, but now with this guy she thinks it's time.

 

Yay for her but I'm in the same exact position I've been in the last 7 years. On Sunday he came over to watch tv with us and I couldn't help but think its the same as it's always been. She's cuddled on the couch with someone and I'm still wondering what it feels like to cuddle. Its making me absolutely miserable. I feel like my life is over. I'm so far behind in social experience that I'm never going to feel "right" in my own skin. I'm stuck again.

 

As far as doing things out of my comfort zone, I took a bartending class and a Japanese class. I wanted to meet people with similar interests which is why the Japanese class, but the amount of people in the class was small and I didn't make any friends. Same basic idea for the bartending class. There was a woman in that class that barely spoke English so we helped each other with things but other than that, I didn't really talk to anyone.

 

I am looking into "themed" bars. I live near the Jersey shore so there are a lot of options it's just weeding out things I hate, like just sitting there watching drunk people. My roommate's new bf has taken her to a bar that has skeeball tournaments. That sounds like fun and something I would do. I'm just looking for similar type bars that are closer. Ideally, if a Dave & Buster's opened nearby I'd be there every weekend because that's my kind of fun.

 

I'm also looking into one day classes at the local community colleges since I'm located close to 2 of them.

I feel like I'm spending so much time alone that all its doing is giving me time to think of how lonely I feel. My roommate sometimes stays home to watch movies with me, but often she cancels to hang out at the bar with the new guy or her cousin. Tomorrow she's going out with her friends from work and I told her if they go somewhere local I'll go because at least it will be easy for me to get home when I get bored, because I always get bored. They just go to the bar and drink all day/night. I can't do that, mostly because it's ridiculously boring.

 

I spend a lot of time feeling hopeless/helpless. Also, I still see my therapist, and I see the psych once a month for med visits, but I feel like I don't know what to say to the psych because she puts so much focus on my weight it actually makes me feel worse. I tell her as far as work I'm feeling better but I'm still lonely and want to date. Her answer? Why did you wait so long to start working on your weight then? Not what I need to hear especially since through talking with my therapist I see that food is how I've comforted myself ever since I was about 10. If I take away that then I have nothing to help get through things.

 

Also last night my dog woke me up in the middle of the night and I just happened to turn on the tv when a show on Logo was coming on called "Bad Sex" and the episode was about a 37 yr old named Stella who was overweight, African American, and still a virgin. I felt like I was meant to watch that episode. But it still didn't make me feel better because she had no trouble dating and had actually had a few relationships, but she had a fear of penetration that holds her back. I have no such fear. I just can't get a date. But it was good to see someone my age having a similar struggle.

 

As far as food and the psych though, its to the point that I have a reminder on my phone that "food is for people who get dates" because apparently if I'm so big no one wants me than I don't need to be eating. And even as I say that I know it's not right. It's making me hate myself and I've never been like that before. I feel like I'm never going to be good enough, or fit enough, or anything so I might as well stop trying and either lay down and die or lay down with ANYONE... which is sad b/c I think I would have done that by now if I could ever get a second date. But ask me the same thing 3 years ago and I probably would have told you that no one has seen how great I am yet but that someone will. I really don't feel that any more. I feel like everything I've been hoping and living for is gone and there's no getting it back.

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.
I hear your despair and your loneliness and i do think that you can speak openy with the Psychiatrist about how you feel when she says what she does. The despair that i hear makes me wonder whether the meds you are on are doing their job. Would you be open to talking to her about that? I believe it is necessary.

I am proud that you branched out a bit and did some things out of your comfort zone. Keep plugging away. Life is for living and that time is now whether or not you are with someone. I am glad you are with your therapist still and I want that to continue.

The idea is to enjoy each moment irrespective of being involved with another. Keep finding things that you enjoy. and if you are not enjoying anything, then my earlier points about talking to the Psychiatrist about your meds is imperative.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

With the psychiatrist I still feel like when I mention wanting a relationship that she says basically that I can't have one until I lose weight. My roommate and one of my other friends think I need a different psych but I think I would get pretty much the same treatment from most of them. She says I need to stop thinking about relationships. It's stupid to me because I'm only getting older and my choices are going to be more and more limited. I'm not comfortable even thinking about kissing someone because I've only been kissed once. If I wait until I'm a perfect size to address that then I'll be alone forever. She makes me feel even worse about my life. I feel absolutely hopeless. Last time I told her I was feeling better about work, things were better at home (before my roommate started dating again) but that I feel upset when I think about what I'm missing as far as relationships. She said I shouldn't worry about that and focus on my weight. Its like relationships are only for people at a healthy weight or something.

As far as the medication, it's 40mg Prozac. I think if I hadn't had to deal with so much change this year (roommate's break up, grandfather and then uncle passing away) then it would have been fine. Even before my grandfather passed away I felt "better" and could even deal with the psych's remarks about my weight. I wasn't making any progress, but I definitely felt better. But now I'm just feeling like I'm falling apart. And she's not going to change the medication because I mentioned it once because the only thing that upsets me is relationships and she tells me to stop worrying about it and work on my weight and talk to doctors about Lapband and gastric bypass, which I don't want but nevermind that because she keeps bringing it up.

I know a big part of that is that I keep watching my roommate do things that I want to do. She dates and goes out and has fun, and I don't. It's like I don't get to and I don't know why. I'm missing a huge part of life.

And as far as not enjoying things, I like doing things with people. But I don't have a lot of people to choose from. Even now, my roommate was supposed to watch movies with me but sent a text that she'd rather be at the bar alone than at home. I hate the bar and have yet to have a good experience there that didn't make me come home crying. She's knows that.

Also, doing things alone like going to the movies, the mall, running errands just reminds me of all the years I spent doing things alone and how I'm pretty much always going to be alone. A lot of times I'll drive from one store to another running errands and stop in the parking lot to cry because it's easier for me to count the times I've run errands with someone instead of the countless times I've run errands alone. I'm sick of feeling like this and keep wondering why no one ever wants me and what am I supposed to be doing with my life because I hate it so much right now. All I have are my brother and my roommate and they have their own friends and jobs and spend tons of time without me. My work friends live too far away and I can only talk to one of them about these things. I just feel like I can't fix my life and that its all too late.

 

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.
when a situation is not comfortable or therapeutic then we either need to let the person know how we feel or look for someone that can support you in your space and not just on the weight. My first suggestion is to open up and speak to the Psychiatrist about how you feel when she only refers back to your weight. Start there and get yourself the support you need.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you. I'm hoping to talk to the therapist today about changing psychiatrists. The psych knows how I feel about it when she talks about weight but she continues. It's been like this since March.


Last night I felt so absolutely miserable. I haven't been sleeping well but last night I know it was because I took the Prozac too close to bedtime and with too much caffeine. Then I kept asking my roommate if she needed a ride home from the bar and she said maybe so I stayed dressed. Then she tells me she's going to a diner with some "friends" from the bar and it was like the last straw. She gets to do things I don't get to do like go to diner's at 2am with guys, and I sit alone again. Everyone is living a life I want and I can't live that life. I was supposed to go to the bar with my roommate and her friends tonight (girls night out) and I don't even want to. Not only because I don't like bars but also because I just feel like I don't fit. 2 of her friends are really nice and I like them but I always feel like an outsider.


After my roommate stayed out later I drove to the hospital and sat in the parking lot of the emergency room. I couldn't stop crying. I called a helpline and asked what happens when you're having the emotional distress and you go to the emergency room. The woman explained and just talking to someone makes me feel better. I went home, cuddled with my dog and went to sleep. But today is another day and I already don't want to be around people, but I am running errands again.

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.
When I hear this I am extremely worried. This medium here only allows us to do so much. I implore you to call your therapist and go to the emergency room if you are filled with this despair. you deserve to get the support you need and your life is worth living. Please commit to me here that you will call your therapist and let her know how down you are and go to the emergency room if feeling like this again. That is the focus now...not the bars, weight, going out, etc. It is getting you the immediate help you need when you are filled with despair.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1758
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you and yes I already left a message for my therapist. And if I feel like this again I will go to the emergency room. I know this is all brought on by spending so much time alone meanwhile I'm watching my roommate live the life I want and not include me in things. Thank you.

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for making that commitment to yourself to reach out if you are feeling so down. I know that it is hard to see your roommate out there....you have always been invited and you desire not to go because it is not your thing, but I do believe if you can get this depression to lift your desire to do things rather than be alone will feel more desirous.

 

You are worth it. thank you for the excellent rating as always.

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