Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.
I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. You are clearly a sensitive young man and you are very caring; you want to be sincere with the women you seek to have a relationship with and you want them to be sincere with you. These are excellent attributes you have. But it really appears that the person you were texting does not share your values and sensitivity.
And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about.
I am rather glad that you weren't able to hook up with her. I am actually surprised that she is on e-harmony. That site is usually very careful about the people it matches. What I mean is this:
Let's look at what she revealed about herself in the exchanges you had with her:
What was her intention in wanting to have a first meet at a basement bar downtown? That's more like an underworld type of life, not an e-harmony type of meet-up. Next, she's drunk. If her intention of inviting you was to meet you based on e-harmony's stated principles, this is very, very counter those principles. To be drunk on the first meet-up is not a good sign for you to receive. Then, she makes fun of your attempt to share some of your uncertainties with her. This is very much NOT like someone going for a PhD in psychology! It was definitely not kind, sensitive, or nice.
So, everything is pointing to something not being "what you see is what you get" about this person. And that's why I'm glad you didn't actually find the place. I'm not sure what kind of place it was, but it doesn't sound like an upstanding business.
Therefore, I want you to discuss in your therapy this: you were acting in good faith and wanting to believe good about the other person. This person, though, was sending lots of messages that she wasn't a kind, nice person like you were seeking. And here's the important part: you seemed to pick up well that there were warning bells here. And you need to trust your warning bells. That's the part I'd like you to work on with your therapist. You had good instincts and you need to be confident in following them.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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Good Morning! My name is XXXXX XXXXX X am a licensed psychotherapist... I am happy to give you my answer to your question this morning! I can understand your feelings; you were uncomfortable with the meeting place, time and circumstances, but you went along with them in an effort to connect with her. I can see where you may have shown some outward anxiety about it and it could be possible that she just wasn't in a state of mind to help someone find their way that night. It sounded as if she was meeting others as well, and they were blowing off some steam by having cocktails together. It also sounds as if she was looking to meet you in a casual, public place that she feels comfortable in, yet, this is outside of your comfort zone... and that is not a bad thing, just a fact. The communication between you both from the start was not very clear--- both of your messages were not being understood well by the other, and and quite possibly, since you admit to having some anxiety issues, when you demonstrated anxiety by sharing your insecurities about your body immediately before she even had the chance to meet you in person yet, maybe it kind of turned her off? Confidence is attractive to others when meeting at the start of a relationship... maybe she sensed you were feeling insecure, and she wasn't in the right frame of mind to offer someone else reassurance or security about their body image? Just taking some guesses as to what her motivation may have been.
What I wonder is if you can simply tell yourself that neither of you is "wrong", you just weren't going to be very compatible in your communication styles, interests or comfort zones? What would be the good of forcing a fit where there naturally wouldn't be one? If you know who you are and are confident in the fact that you prefer not to hang out at basement bars, you never have to accept an offer to do so. Be who you are, and know that the right person will show up into your life soon. As my grandmother always said, she is "right around the corner"! And until then, grow stronger and more confident in who YOU are. Find the things you enjoy, wear what you like to wear, go where you like to go... and once you start to feel more and more secure in who you are, you will be even more ready to meet the woman of your dreams! There is no perfection in any of us, but we all have great attributes that make us special and who we are. Next time you are meeting someone, rather than calling attention to things you are insecure about, flip that thought on it's back. Call attention to your attributes instead... and focus your thoughts on those. You have many great qualities; keep your focus on how much you have to offer and see the difference it makes!
I hope that I gave you some food for thought this morning; I will check back later to see if you found any of it helpful or if you'd like to chat further--- I will continue to work with you until you feel satisfied with the answer. Thank you for using the site, and I wish you all the best in your search for harmony! :-)
her profile said she wanted someone sexually knowledgable.
I'm honestly fine if she was after a hook-up, and I wouldn't have been bothered if she was looking for "love". Whatever that is.
I think that bar is there so people in there don't get noticed. After all its called the Cellar Dweller. And she goes there weekly.
I understand that therapists are people too, they have needs, they don't want to be a therapist when not in their office.....
I couldn't find the place and I was trying to get her to tell me where it was. She never messaged back. Then when I was driving back home she said she was drunk and at the bar. I was a little unhappy at this point. I had to be up early the next morning and I have a hard time waking up. I told her that hurt that I drove 20 minutes to be at this bar and another 20 looking for it. Meanwhile she is getting trashed and apparently not worried if I show up or not. I said that she was a therapist and that it hurt even more that a therapist was acting this way toward me. After that she said "whoa. back off". She apparently had service then, and was sober enough to tell me to back off. I was scared to be driving around downtown at 11:00 at night looking for a drunk girl in a basement bar. I know therapists want to let loose and not worry like everyone else.
I said I was sorry the next day and asked her if she wanted to talk to me. I got no response. I told her I wasn't used to girls being that foward with me and that it confused me. No response.
Do a lot of therapists act this way in their private lives?
I thought she would have been just a little understanding of me being just a little cautious. Apparently she wants a sexually knowledgable guy to take care of her needs.
The way she was playing the game goes against everything I have ever been told in therapy before. Therapists have told me not to go to bars and to be careful when you first meet someone.
i tried to talk to her the next day, but she never responded. im not heartbroken. im freaked. and then she expects me to brave up and go. i dont care if she acts like she is from amsterdam. dont try and manipulate me.
well i figured out i am mad at myself. i feel inadequate because i couldnt figure out her needs and style. she apparently wants a 50 shades of grey type guy. and im not experienced enough to know. once again a womans sex life is most important to her these days. they just dont admit it.
yeah but i want to. its lonely being me and she didnt care.