i just dont know where to start to heal myself.
im a 31 yo female that isn't able to normally work or have social outings due to past trauma.(if im wording this right) i grew up in a household that my father would abuse my mom, but my mom stayed with my father willingly. cheating, threatening her life infront of us kids, physical abuse. even after they split up he kept the abuse going, but different on us kids. i wasn't allowed to play with other kids at home, except the one's he befriended their parents. i was molested and raped by a few men, in different times. most of my life i had to be near ppl who were always fighting, always trouble. if i tried to help or correct them, basically i "had to know my role in the family". now that im an adult, i cant cope with alot of things. my emotions would be too full, or id break down. my bodily health declined so im always sick now. ive been told i have a pattern, where i create drama from something small, get my "need" to have it, pass my angst to someone else, or make them feel guilty, then return to "normal"... then the pattern starts again. with the many things ive seen and done in my life, i dont feel normal. its insane on what i had to do. i could never relax, there was always something, someone being abused, being forced to take the blame for things i dont know how i could be blame from family and close friends. this is to the point where i married someone far away from home, to be away from my family... but the insanity in me is still there. i tried to live a normal life, got a job and a house... but i couldnt keep it together, to the point where i hid in my work place's freezer for mins at a time to calm down. i panic or over react to small things, or maybe things that isnt there. i feel like i cant get better, i feel like i cant live, and i feel trapped in this insanity that i created, . please help me.