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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have discovered my fiance is looking at porn, porn of all

Customer Question

I have discovered my fiance is looking at porn, porn of all sorts which i do get. the one thing i don't get is he is also looking at very young girls. Nonudes as they are called. I a deeply disturbed and dont know what to do. I feel sick and cant even look at him. This is not the first time i have discovered this but it seems to be getting worse. I have two granddaughters 4 and 10 months old and worry about him being around them now. Is he a phedophile I dont understand. We have not had an intimate relationship for over a year although i have tried he denies me. I am so confused. We have been together for 10 years.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Looking at porn is never a good idea in a relationship. It often makes you feel cheated on because your partner is being turned on sexually by an image that is not you, but someone else. Any sexual feelings about another person, even if they are not in person, is demeaning to the relationship and to the other partner. It says that the sex in the relationship is not enough and there needs to be something else or that you are being replaced. And if you have self esteem issues already, seeing your partner view other women is going to make you question yourself even more.

Men are often attracted to porn because it represents an escape from their worries and burdens. It is common to feel stressed but not be aware of how much, making you feel overwhelmed. Escape is appealing. And men are attracted visually to females so the nature of watching porn is appealing.

However, the fact that your fiance is looking at young girls is disturbing. It means that he has crossed a boundary. It is one thing to look at adult women and quite another to look at young girls. It may also be against the law where you are, which adds another element to the situation.

If your fiance will not listen to your concerns about his activities and tries to make this your fault, then you may have reason to feel concerned about him and your relationship. His refusal to see this as an issue and to understand that by viewing this type of porn he is hurting someone says that he is only thinking of his own needs and no one else's. Because he is able to block out the fact that what he is doing is wrong, you are right to be concerned for your granddaughters.

You may want to consider a separation from your fiance. Leave the home or ask him to leave if it is your home. Tell him why you are separating from him and ask him to get help. If he is viewing child porn, you may also want to consult with your attorney about your responsibility in case your fiance does get caught for what he is doing. And until this situation is sorted out, you may want to keep your granddaughters away from your fiance until you feel the situation has been addressed to your satisfaction.

You may also want to seek counseling for yourself. This is not an easy situation to deal with and if you have to separate, you are potentially losing a relationship. Plus you have been hurt and betrayed. Dealing with your feelings from this with the support and guidance of a therapist can help you work through this and feel better about what choices you make.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 4 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you very much for the positive rating and bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you and your family,

Kate

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