Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know how concerned you seem to feel about this recent situation.
Could you please tell me more about your daughter's "discovery" around a homosexual orientation, for me to better understand her experience?
We are educated and professional parents, who wanted to get the best possible education for our child.
She has been high achiever but a perfectionist. And never seemed to be satisfied and kept changing her goals.
2 years ago she was involved with a religious cult. She was persuaded to evaluate herself and came to terms with a moderate form of her original religion
We discovered this relationship accidentally and we are not sure how our daughter discovered her sexual orientation as she has not been forthcoming. We noticed her distancing herself from her closely knit family and covering up a relationship and this has caused us concern.
The reason why we are concerned is because this individual who she is involved with appears not to be of her educational and social class. This person is financially dependent on our daughter and is domineering, seeking confrontation with my daughter’s family values which we believe she doesn’t want to give up.
Thank you for replying.
I am very sorry to know about this situation, what you describe here is truly concerning.
it is truly tough since she is already an adult and has created this distance between her personal life and you, which of course could not be less painful and sad, taking into account with how much love and caring you have raised and supported her.
In a situation like this, I think the best approach is to promote a supportive dialogue with your daughter, showing how much you care about her, and how you are willing to support her, specially when facing personal challenges or issues, while respecting her individuality and choices. In this way she would feel respected and trust you, become more open and closer to you, and from there your advice and support could have much more impact in her heart and mind than through any other less assertive strategy.
There is no way for you to know how her sexual orientation evolved and got her to the present relationship, but what you know is that she has been struggling for long trying to find out a worldview that allows her to feel better and fulfilled, that her perfectionism has been a huge issue undermining her well-being and that now this person close to her is manipulating her. At the same time you know she doesn't want to renounce to what she values and considers important, and you can only hope she could go through this process and learn from it, even in painful ways, but one that seems necessary for her to mature even more and become wiser and stronger.
Does it make sense?
Thank you for your answer but i would like more clarifications
1,is it part of a recurrent identity crisis or due to sexual orientation problem.
Does this problem forecasting a more serious mental illness
does she require require professional psychiatric help
Based on what you shared it seems obvious to me that she is trying to cope with core values and beliefs ruling her life, and that happens when the person does not feel truly comfortable and confident about worldviews, what would make perfect sense with the religious belief crisis you commented she underwent in the past.
perfectionism is a personality trait that could deeply undermine a person's mental health, mood and relationships, but it is not considered a mental illness. At the same time, perfectionism, as just stated, uses to coexist with anxiety and many times with depressive problems too, and when a person feels this confused about so important matters, psychotherapy - counseling appear as necessary sources of support.
I would not recommend people with religious or sexual orientation problems to use psychiatric drugs at all, but to seriously consider psychological support in order to work on exploring themselves, identifying core needs, expectations and individuality, working on processing emotions from issues related to such conflicts and for improving coping skills and assertiveness. In her case, she would need to focus on clarifying her sexual orientation, and rehabilitating from anxiety, since it is a core issue behind perfectionism and overwhelming confusion like she experiences, besides of the undermined relationship with you as her parents-family.
Now if her current relationship involves manipulation-abuse, for sure it should be at the core of her psychotherapeutic process, since a person's well-being depends not only on good and healthy insight about reality, but on healthy choices, life style and relationships, specially those around our loved ones.
Thank you for your insight but we parents are terribly distraught.
I would feel the same way if I happen to be in your shoes, and only you know how overwhelming and concerning these situations have become, affecting you as individuals, parents and as family. I suggest you to consider counseling support to help you better cope with this situation, and to know how to better support her while taking good care of yourselves, since you are grieving a lot for everything that has been happening ion your daughter's life.
we are concerned that, if it is just a passing phase of identity crisis like before there is no coming back, as she would be scarred culturally and not accepted in the society we move in . If she is genuinely has a different sexual orientation we have to come to terms eventually. But knowing from past experience of her religious identity crisis we are afraid that she is just exploring. .
Right, an this is a process that nobody but her can work on, otherwise she would not be able to take her own power back and shape her life in the way she really longs for and deserves, feeling happy and fulfilled. Life requires many painful experiences for us to learn and grow as human beings, and what makes the difference is how well supported we happen to be by those who truly care about us.
Will removing her from the environment and the influences she has, help her in realizing her own self ?
Is she willingly chooses to do that and gets professional support to work on herself, for sure that could be beneficial, but not otherwise.
We feel she is vulnerable and is falling in the trap of people who want to exploit her emotions
I see, then that's why any form of assertive support she could get would be very helpful in such challenging circumstances. Sadly parents cannot take away painful life experiences adult children face as part of their own development process as whole human beings.
We can prevent, prepare them when younger, support them, but they are the only ones with the power to choose how they shape their own lives.
Can you please tell me what you mean by assertive support?
Support that is respectful, empathetic, sensitive, understanding, gentle, compassionate and proactive.
We are all that but i am afraid our emotional turmoil will interfere in this acute situation,
That's why getting counseling support for you to better cope with it seems necessary.
Can you suggest a psychotherapist for us and her in twin cities area?
I am sorry but I do not know any specific psychotherapist working in that area.
Can you suggest which type of psychotherapist i should search?
She would need a psychotherapist with expertise in anxiety-depressive-mood disorders and with expertise in personality and sexual issues.
You could benefit the most from a marriage and family therapist with expertise in sexual - personality problems.
thank you for your help
You're very welcome
will i be able to get this chat by email?
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