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My boyfriend asked me to get a message out of his phone one day and I came across one from a woman saying she had tried to ring, things had changed in her life and she loved him xxxxxxx. His phone was switched off in the movies at the time and he didn't know it was there. I confronted him and he said it was an old flame and nothing to worry about. I looked in his phone 2 months later checking if it was still going on and someone has texted him, Hi sexy. He dosnt text, always rings them back and dosn't have their name as a contact. He works away from home a lot. Is he having affairs? He is an alcholic and can get abusive to me when drunk.
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this situation. People could get messages like those some times, and t would not be an issue unless they happen not to be honest about them, or to keep the same behavior more than a couple of times. When incidents like this are not truly isolated but become common, then there are concrete red flags telling you something could be going on. .
Now, if to this scenario we add the fact that your boyfriend is abusive and suffers of alcoholism, but is not rehabilitated, then things become much more serious. Why? Because people presenting addiction like this and who are not actively working on themselves issues and recovery process, do use to continue to deepen typical core problems, including denial, avoidance,manipulation, secrecy, dishonesty, and many more. He becomes openly abusive when drinking, and that is very serious, no form of abuse is acceptable, but it is happening in your relationship, thus to believe these pattern of communication with females is something fine, would be a big mistake.
Again, if a person having alcoholism, and not actively and responsibly working on his rehabilitation is abusive towards a girlfriend, and presents these other behaviors, it would not be wise to trust him. The only way to address this reality is by working on him committing to change his behaviors, work on rehabilitat</p>
...work on his rehabilitation process and end any form of abuse, literally showing through concrete and consistent actions, full honesty and openness that he respects and cares about you, and really deserves your trust.
I have asked him to not drink and smoke cannibis when he is with me, as this is when he becomes paranoid at me and starts saying nasty things. He agree, but has not stopped it. I have also asked him to change his job so we can spend more time together than 2 days a fortnight, but he dosn't want to do that either, he always says he does, but does nothing about it, all the while declaring his deep undying love for me. We have been going out for 12 months, but spend very little time together. He is also a heavy tobacco smoker, and has been advised to give up by surgeons as he has no circulation to his right leg, also says he is giving up all the time, but hasn't even but down. The relationship is very dramatic and exhausting. I have tried to break it abot 5 times, but he always becomes very apologetic and nice and attentive, I find it hard to be firm enough to break away. Any hints?
Thank you for replying.
I am sorry to know this has been your reality in this relationship. When a person uses words around love, understanding, support and respect, but his actions do nor follow and show the opposite, then they become manipulative, expression of lack of honesty and never worthy to be trusted. It's very sad and frustrating, but it seems obvious to me that this person has been systematically manipulating you and these serious issues he presents would not get better but worse with time.
This person has polysubstance abuse - addiction,and does not show, based on your words, any sign he is able nor willing to make any positive change to start taking truly good care of himself nor of you. Please look for professional psychotherapy - counseling support, since if you have tried to leave so many times but always allowed the manipulation, it could show how serious codependency issues you may have, enabling his addictions and this dysfunctional and abusive relationship. Look for a support group on codependency, and it with individual counseling, plus support from healthy close friends and caring family members would allow you to heal from it and rebuild your life away from any form of self-sabotage or abuse.
He has made a few minor changes, for which I gave him a lot of credit for, but there seems to be no further growth. I am a very patient and soft person, which is probably what he has seen. A long time friend of mine said she has never seen me angry. I always fell mean or selfish walking away. My feelings change and I go from strongly wanting out, to feeling responsible and selfish wanting my own way. I will seek out some therapy in the area for myself, rather than for both of us, as I think I will be wasting my time at this point. I have been in several relationships over the years, but this is only the 2nd one in which I get manipulated this way. I recognise it. I seem unable to find someone to have a long term happy comited realtionship with and always end up with the most selfish of people. Silly, as I am financially and personally independant, have driven huge trucks and ride a large Harley, travel the world alone, but still get sucked in????
I am sorry to hear how things have not been easy for you around relationships for this long, but hopeful to know you have decided to work on yourself, healing and growing, rehabilitating from codependency, taking your power back, and focusing on building a healthy and fulfilling relationship with yourself, what would allow you to find a person who truly respects, loves and supports you. Please also consider a group support for codependency -coda.org- in order to complement individual psychotherapeutic work.
People could grow and make wonderful work at multiple life areas, but that does not mean happiness and fulfillment at the personal-romantic level, which only happens when we develop enough assertiveness to respect and love ourselves, setting healthy and clear boundaries and limits, and never allowing any form of neglect, abuse or manipulation.
Yours is not an easy path at all, but necessary, viable and absolutely worthy. Please be gentle and wise with yourself, and take consistent actions to heal ad grow from it, with right professional support and help from those who truly respect and care about you.
Thank you for your advice, I have found that truly helpful.