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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hello: I am a 55 year old lady and have been married for two

Customer Question

Hello: I am a 55 year old lady and have been married for two months. My husband is an alcoholic and has been in AA for years and was doing well until we got married. He started drinking again on our honeymoon, blacked out for the first time in his life, abandoned me at the hotel, took my car and debit card, spent $1,000.00 from my account and stayed gone for five long days! He returned sorrowful and promised it would never happen again. The second Episode happened a few weeks later, this time he took my truck, no debit card, stayed away for three days drunk, returned, again sorrowful. On the fourth day after his return, he drank only two glass of wine and became intoxicated way beyond belief. He became angry, destructive, wanted to find the keys to leave, ransacked my RV, pulled me off my bed and I landed hard on my back. Neighbors came to my rescue and I had him arrested for Domestic Violence Abuse. He is now serving 113 days of 225 day sentence in the County Jail. He does not recall any of the above events. He tells me he will get back into the AA Program and get whatever other help he needs. I take my wedding vows seriously and I do not know what to do in this case. I know these things tend to worse, but I also want to do the right thing for all concerned. Can he change, will he change, do I take the risk of taking him back one last time? Please I need some true advice here.

Thanks
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your questions.

It sounds like your husband has a serious alcohol problem, maybe more than he let on when you married him. And since the two of you were married, he has hurt you emotionally, financially and most disturbing physically. This tells you that he is willing to cross boundaries and hurt you so he can get what he wants.

It is good that you had him arrested and he was put in jail. Although that is difficult to deal with, he needs to have consequences to his behavior. Without consequences, he has little reason to stop using.

At this point, because of your husband's behavior, it may be wise to separate from him until he can get his drinking under control and have a chance to work through his issues. I understand that you believe in marriage and your wedding vows. It is good that you do. But he is willing to hurt you physically, which never should happen in any marriage. Because he is willing to cross that boundary, it is very possible he could lose control again and hurt you even more seriously or kill you. For that reason, it is important that you protect yourself first and foremost. If you still have concerns, consider talking to your pastor if you attend church. A pastor can help you with your concerns over the morality of separating from your husband for personal safety reasons.

Also, consider getting therapy and support for yourself. You have been through a very difficult time. You deserve support and help in deciding what to do. Here are some resources to help get you started:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php

Should I Stay or Should I Go? Lundy Bancroft

Your husband is not going to change unless he takes what happened very seriously. He needs to show you through his behavior that he is serious about getting better and not drinking anymore. So it helps to take a step back through separation and see how he acts. If he follows through with getting help, stops drinking and tries to work on your marriage, then it might be ok to try again. But if he does not follow through and continues as he is, you may have to consider getting out of the marriage.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you so very much, this info was very helpful to me and I agree with all the things you said. My thinking has been on the same lines. Have a blessed day!


 


Terri

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
You are very welcome, Terri! I am happy to help. Take care.

My best to you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

thank you so much.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome!

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