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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5431
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Ive cheated on my wife.... I am regretting it.. I am trying

Customer Question

I've cheated on my wife.... I am regretting it.. I am trying to make things right.. She's leaving and she mentioned I don't love you any more... I know I am in the wrong but I just can't let her go.. I am sorry and I love my wife
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Infidelity is a deeply emotional situation. It can not only hurt your wife, but also take away her trust in the marriage and in you. However, it sounds like you are willing to acknowledge you made a mistake and you are willing to try to rectify it with your wife. Only she is feeling betrayed and angry so she is not hearing you.

Because you are sorry for what you did, that can only help your marriage. Your wife is not hearing that because she may not be able to overcome her hurt feelings yet. Keep trying with her. Tell her how sorry you are. She may resist hearing you, but when she is able to calm her emotions she will remember you saying it. Also, keep in mind that your wife is probably deeply hurt right now and although she is saying she doesn't love you anymore, it is probably just that she is in a lot of pain.

Also, talk to your wife about making amends. Let her know that you are aware you hurt her and especially that you took away her trust. Ask her what you can do to regain her trust. Be willing to do what she asks (as long as it is reasonable and not hurtful). Let her know that you are wrong here and that you are willing to do what it takes to fix what happened.

Be willing to become an open book in your marriage. If it makes your wife feel better, let her see your cell phone, read your emails and check your accounts. This will not be forever, but just until trust is reestablished.

Consider seeing a counselor with your wife, if she will go. If not, go without her so you can show you are taking this seriously and that you will be addressing the problems that led to the infidelity. Let her know that you want to be sure this never happens again. And if she doesn't go with you initially, keep encouraging her to go eventually.

It may take a while, so try to be patient. Your wife may go from angry to hurt then to ok only to go back again. And whatever issues you were dealing with before may play a part as well. While you are working this through, you can also use self help to work on your marriage. Here are some resources to help:

Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken: Finding Forgiveness and Restoration by Cindy Beall

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
This problem has been 2 years.. Many tears had fallen and words said to hurt each other. I do admit that I am a jerk for causing that much hurt to her. She is extremely determined about the divorce and I would really want in very much of my capability to care and love her once more.

I switched jobs last year and I did mention to her that I would need some time for myself to settle in the new role. This has caused a negative impact and she did mention that I can have all the time in the world now for my career which I wouldn'tt want to. In my little world now all I wish for is just to hold her hands for the simplest thing such as crossing the road.

I caused her to be upset which resulted in gastric pains .. I was blindly ignorant about all this issues and I do blame myself for it...

I don't think I am extremely stable now as I do have negative thoughts about life and life without her.

I am sorry if I have a messed up narration on my life .. I am just very messed now... Thanks.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
It might help then to consider taking care of your own issues first then trying to work on your marriage. It sounds very much like your wife still cares, otherwise she would just move on and not comment on what you are doing. So there is still hope. Try to focus on tackling your own problems and show your wife you are serious about repairing your problems. That will help her be more open to trying with the marriage if she knows you have changed.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She mentioned during our argument .. Which ended both teary.. If you love me let me go... But she is a strong woman.... I love her and letting her leave is my last option.. Help ... Im not as strong nor gracious as she is.. I love her I really do.. All these has been conveyed many times to her... And she is no letting any of my care and concern slip into her life... Letting her go on a trip with her girlfriend made her only stronger... And determined
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
It may be the best way to handle how she feels is to allow her to do what she needs to take care of herself while you focus on repairing the situation. If she does leave, that does not mean you cannot continue to work on the relationship. And making a huge effort will at least let you know that you tried everything possible to save the relationship.

This site might also help:

http://www.marriagemissions.com/rebuilding-your-marriage-after-you-had-the-affair/

Kate



May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5431
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you very much for the positive rating and bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you and your wife,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Your suggestion is to repair or to walk out? I do not have much options...
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Not at all. I suggest you do everything you can to repair the relationship. If your wife insists on walking out, there is not much you can do to stop her except try to show her that you are serious about fixing the situation and dealing with your own issues. Hopefully, she will see your efforts and be willing to try again.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you Kate .. Do pray for me and her ... Thank you once again
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
You are very welcome! And I will pray for you both and for your marriage. Take care.

Kate

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