Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am truly sorry to know about this sad and frustrating situation you have been facing for so long.
It is very sad but real, and it appears the severity and length of thee issues have deeply impacted your and your daughters' lives.
One things I use to say is that before anything, we all have the right, need and responsibility to take good care of ourselves, of this core relationship we have with ourselves, in order to be able to develop and promote healthy and fulfilling relationship with other people. If we happen to neglect or abuse ourselves, we end exposing to different forms of dysfunctional relationships, where we end being used, abused or neglected in different obvious or subtle ways. Many times couples could have very good intentions but ff there is no mutual respect, empathy, caring, accountability and support, no matter how much affection and longing you many have, it would not work. Now you know that from personal experience.
Taking good care of ourselves means setting healthy and clear boundaries about what is acceptable or not, so we could create and promote a healthy and harmonious life together as couples and families. If for any reason a partner stops playing this role, allowing any form of neglect or abuse to get in the way, then every effort and hard work could easily vanish.
Your health is showing you in very obvious ways how much these life events have undermined your personal health and family well-being, and it seems essential for you to reassess your core needs and expectations, to know what you are truly willing to afford or not in this relationship, once many consequences are already there and many more would come unless you improve the way you take care of yourself and children. There are many things you cannot control, including your partner's decisions and actions and his adult daughter, and they need to hold full accountability for their own choices and actions, the same way you need to do the same to take good care of yourself and daughters.
If he is unable or unwilling to come to terms with reality and acknowledge how serious mental health issues his daughter has and his own need to work on improving their relationship and the way he supports her, then I do not see how this reality could significantly improve at all.
She requires professional psychological treatment and he needs to work on improving the way he shares and supports her, otherwise he could end enabling further destructive behaviors. I think he naed to get professional counseling to work on his issues, eliminating any codependency limiting his ability to take good care of self and to support her daughter in healthier ways.
Does it make sense?
I strongly suggest you to commit to your rehabilitation process with psychothereutic support, in that way you would be able to get your health and power back to take good care of yourself and daughters, and to share in healthy ways in your relationships, knowing how to set boundaries and limits, and offer your best, XXXXX XXXXX self-sabotaging. Psychotherapy becomes a unique source of healing and support since allows us to explore creating insight, vent and process emotionally our experiences and develop further and better coping skills and assertiveness, leading us to take consistent actions, literally reshaping the way we think, feel and do things, setting the right priorities and learning from past mistakes and pain.
I believe each of you need to work on yourselves as individuals and in your relationships with your daughters, taking good care of yourselves first. Then you would be able to truly know what you want and are willing to afford or not, and to actually do work on rebuilding your relationship if both of you happen to feel that's what you want, and that you can make it work, not as before, but with clear minds, healed hearts, and full responsibility without allowing any form of neglect, abuse, manipulation or destructive pattern to get in the way. Nobody knows if that would happen, but you can only take care of what depends on you, yourself and daughters, then everything else time would show and you would know then and choose what you want to do, but that time it would be a strong, balanced and wiser you who would know and do things the way you want, need and deserve.
Thank for your answer! What you say makes sense. I think you are right about the fact that I need to assess this relationship and what it is costing me. I will work on with a therapist, and try to regain my strength. I will suggest that he does the same, and it sounds like a couples therapist can be helpful too.
Thank for your answer! Everything you say makes sense! I think you are right about the fact that I need to assess this relationship and what it is costing me. I will follow your advice and work with a therapist, and try to regain my strength. I will suggest that he does the same. I think you have a good point when you say that it will be easier to make decisions when I have learned to take of myself and my own needs.. Thanks again!
(Oops, I thought my answer was erased and retyped it;-)
You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust. Please take gentle care and consistent action.