Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.
I believe that I can help.
You ex seems to be a certain type of passive aggressive person who is both discontented and abrasive.
His problems stem from childhood circumstances and you have wound up in the middle between him and his father, who may by seen by him as the bad buy on the other side of his life.
Now you know a lot more about him - the dark and occluded side, and it is far from the other side which is authentic as well, but the two sides are part of the same person.
He may never be just one or just the other, but most likely may exist on two planes: one when he is content and things are going his way, and the other when he is frustrated and feels he can manipulate you with his bizarre and negative behavior.
He seems unable to show remorse for his cruel and sadistic depiction of you and his father, as if you have betrayed him.
You may have jointed "the enemy camp" in his mind, and that is why he portrays you as so diabolical.
You have, on the positive side, found a father figure in his father and you are reluctant, perhaps, to lose that. On the other hand, he needs his father too and somehow, at this point, these relationships seem to be mutually exclusive.
You ex needs therapy for his negativistic personality traits, perhaps in the form of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, but it is not up to you to suggest his (as if he would accept such advice).
not up to you to suggest this
I see. I never meant for this to happen.
Even if you could speak with him again, you have different interests and he will be a burden on you.
I know that you didn't.
And it is a terrible shame that this couldn't have worked out. It seemed so "storybook".
So with the traits that you describe, it was impossible for him to love me all along?
No, not impossible to love you, but quite difficult to have an equitable relationship with you.
Remember the brick wall.
How can I cleanse my soul to move on from someone that I love but cannot help once and for all?
Time is the best cleanser, along with distraction with other interests or endeavors.
If you had more on your plate for awhile you might have lest time to get lost in thoughts about an irretrievable past.
Is it healthy for me to continue to have a relationship with his father?
Would an excellent self-help book appeal to you?
I was thinking about this. Do you know why the son and the father have a problem?
His father went to prison after he was born, and his mother met another man. The man raised my ex, but was extremely abusive to him. He couldnt express his feelings, and was tortured. His mother didn't really do anything about it, and is still with that same man till this very day. His father was released in his 30's, and my ex was 14. He went to live with his real father, but they clashed as well.
Today his father is 60.
Do you think that your continued friendship with his father will prevent them from getting back together? And what does the father think about this?
And, will it prevent you from getting closure, or is it actually the positive outcome of this whole episode?
I never wanted them to become distant. I wanted us to all be close. His father loves him so much, but feels that his son has to snap out of it. When I tell him that it is not that easy and that he needs help, he disagrees and says that I am making excuses. He is a very stubborn man, but talks about him all time. I learned that they really do not know each other emotionally. They have never hugged or told each other that they loved the other. It has been a bunch of macho talk and arrogance. His father is flawed, but has a good heart, and has helped me through this tough time. He has this thing about women are to be treated more gentle than men. I don't agree with that though, and I definitely do not want to affect their relationship. My mother always says that it is not me because they had issues prior.
It is NOT you. That is clear. Do you think that father and son can resolve their issues with you in the scene?
Of course it shouldn't matter, but perhaps it does.
If my ex would stop being so mad at me, they could.
He says that his father is not loyal.
That is because you are there.
He feels that you are plotting against him and that is why you are devils.
For him, the relationship IS mutually exclusive.
He does have various personality issues, including a bit of paranoia (but not psychotic behavior but personality disorder).
Is there anything that I could do to make peace with him, so that he and his father could work on there relationship?
I will move on.
That might be the best solution.
Not the ideal one.
Sometimes we have to settle for the best.
Will do. Thanks for your help.
I will keep you in my prayers. You seem to be such a good person.
I appreciate that. Have a great upcoming week.
You too. May God bring you happiness and well-being.
Attachments are only available to registered users.
(a widely popular classic)
and one more classic book which many swear by in being a strong force in their lives,
I hope that these books help you find the peace and strength that you seek.