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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7661
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hello, I am in love with a passive-aggressive man I believe.

Customer Question

Hello,

I am in love with a passive-aggressive man I believe. I am 33, he is a 42-year-old musician.

I met him over a year ago, and when we met, sparks were flying. It was an amazing feeling, and we were addicted to each other, so it seemed. We are so very much alike, and suffer from similar emotional/childhood abuse issues. At times we could see right through each other. We cried together, and shared each other's pain. How glorious it felt to finally meet someone that understood me. We became extremely close, and spent alot of time together. Holding each other was peaceful. He told me that I was his best friend, his twin soul. I felt that I met my soulmate, and that we could go through this crazy life together and continue to heal. We moved in together after two months. I met his father, and after speaking with his mother over the phone, we planned a trip out of state for me to meet her. I felt special because his father told me that I was the first woman he has ever wanted him to meet. The chemistry was awesome, and I made plans for him to meet my family as well. Our convos were easy like Sunday morning, and he introduced me to all of his closest friends. He told me that i was beautiful and that he loved me everyday. Because he was 9 years my senior, I admired/looked up to him. He taught me some pretty cool things. I was in complete awe.

But as months passed, I began to come down from the high. I didn't focus on real concerns and issues at first. I did SO MUCH for this guy, I was there for him emotionally and financially since his music career wasn't paying off well. He provided financially when he did get money, but my contributions to our household outweighed his by far. I cared so deeply for him and just overlooked it. It started to become too much for me. My frustration grew. His lack of affection, communication, and emotional distance started to increase. It was like if I stayed on his good side, things were great, but if I had a complaint, I was punished using coldness and distance. He started telling me that I was way too serious, and that he wanted peace. I wanted him to communicate better and help me with my load. I grew more and more frustrated and hurt by his coldness. I also wanted him to be a better parent to his daughter. Trying to talk to him was like talking to a brick wall. It was so very painful. I began to see the truth, that he was not responsible, very paranoid, emotionally immature, and lived to play the victim role. One night I snapped, and slapped him out of anger and frustration. He hit me back, and we both looked at each other in shock. I went into rage, and attacked him. He pinned me down this time until I stopped and calmed down. I grew numb. A neighbor heard us fighting, the police came, and he went to stay at a friend's house while I moved out. I was ashamed, hurt, and shocked about what just happened. According to one of his friends, he was too. I knew that it was no longer safe, so I removed myself from the situation, and haven't seen him since that night. This happened over a year ago.

I am managing to pick myself back up. I am going back to school, and trying to work on myself. I have tried very hard to make sense of all of this using online resources and family support. His father and I have also became very close during this time. My ex stopped talking to his father once this happened. His father tried to reach out, and he avoids him for having something to do with me. His father has gotten on to me for me slapping his son, but is also dissappointed in how his son is handling the situation. He knows that I am a good person, and has been there for me. He has been the only father figure that I have ever known, but I never wanted to come in between them having a good relationship. Their relationship hasn't always been good, so that helps me to see that I am not the real problem.

After all of this time, my ex continues to be subliminal and childish on Facebook, labeling me as evil on status messages, blocking both his father and I twice, making music videos with images of us with our eyeballs cut out like we are the devil. Sometimes he talks on a channel that I feel he uses to try to express himself. He looks so angry and confused. I can tell he is miserable, and misses his father even though he acts arrogant and like he doesn't. And he knows that I am not evil deep down. I did way too much for him. After another recent post about me, I emailed him to tell him to stop, and that he had issues and needed to grow up to be happier. I told him that I see right through him, and to call me to talk, but no response.

I pray, and have been told to move on, but I am having a hard time letting go. It's like he is doing alot of acting, and we still have this strange addiction to one another after a year of no contact. I feel bad, and I want peace with him. Can he even be helped? Why do I care so deeply still? Please tell me, in your expert opinion, am I wasting my time?
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You ex seems to be a certain type of passive aggressive person who is both discontented and abrasive.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

His problems stem from childhood circumstances and you have wound up in the middle between him and his father, who may by seen by him as the bad buy on the other side of his life.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Now you know a lot more about him - the dark and occluded side, and it is far from the other side which is authentic as well, but the two sides are part of the same person.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He may never be just one or just the other, but most likely may exist on two planes: one when he is content and things are going his way, and the other when he is frustrated and feels he can manipulate you with his bizarre and negative behavior.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He seems unable to show remorse for his cruel and sadistic depiction of you and his father, as if you have betrayed him.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You may have jointed "the enemy camp" in his mind, and that is why he portrays you as so diabolical.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have, on the positive side, found a father figure in his father and you are reluctant, perhaps, to lose that. On the other hand, he needs his father too and somehow, at this point, these relationships seem to be mutually exclusive.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You ex needs therapy for his negativistic personality traits, perhaps in the form of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, but it is not up to you to suggest his (as if he would accept such advice).

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

not up to you to suggest this

Customer:

I see. I never meant for this to happen.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Even if you could speak with him again, you have different interests and he will be a burden on you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I know that you didn't.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

And it is a terrible shame that this couldn't have worked out. It seemed so "storybook".

Customer:

So with the traits that you describe, it was impossible for him to love me all along?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

No, not impossible to love you, but quite difficult to have an equitable relationship with you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Remember the brick wall.

Customer:

How can I cleanse my soul to move on from someone that I love but cannot help once and for all?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Time is the best cleanser, along with distraction with other interests or endeavors.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you had more on your plate for awhile you might have lest time to get lost in thoughts about an irretrievable past.

Customer:

Is it healthy for me to continue to have a relationship with his father?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Would an excellent self-help book appeal to you?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I was thinking about this. Do you know why the son and the father have a problem?

Customer:

His father went to prison after he was born, and his mother met another man. The man raised my ex, but was extremely abusive to him. He couldnt express his feelings, and was tortured. His mother didn't really do anything about it, and is still with that same man till this very day. His father was released in his 30's, and my ex was 14. He went to live with his real father, but they clashed as well.

Customer:

Today his father is 60.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Do you think that your continued friendship with his father will prevent them from getting back together? And what does the father think about this?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

And, will it prevent you from getting closure, or is it actually the positive outcome of this whole episode?

Customer:

I never wanted them to become distant. I wanted us to all be close. His father loves him so much, but feels that his son has to snap out of it. When I tell him that it is not that easy and that he needs help, he disagrees and says that I am making excuses. He is a very stubborn man, but talks about him all time. I learned that they really do not know each other emotionally. They have never hugged or told each other that they loved the other. It has been a bunch of macho talk and arrogance. His father is flawed, but has a good heart, and has helped me through this tough time. He has this thing about women are to be treated more gentle than men. I don't agree with that though, and I definitely do not want to affect their relationship. My mother always says that it is not me because they had issues prior.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is NOT you. That is clear. Do you think that father and son can resolve their issues with you in the scene?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Of course it shouldn't matter, but perhaps it does.

Customer:

If my ex would stop being so mad at me, they could.

Customer:

He says that his father is not loyal.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That is because you are there.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He feels that you are plotting against him and that is why you are devils.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

For him, the relationship IS mutually exclusive.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He does have various personality issues, including a bit of paranoia (but not psychotic behavior but personality disorder).

Customer:

Is there anything that I could do to make peace with him, so that he and his father could work on there relationship?

Customer:

I will move on.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That might be the best solution.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Not the ideal one.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Sometimes we have to settle for the best.

Customer:

Will do. Thanks for your help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I will keep you in my prayers. You seem to be such a good person.

Customer:

I appreciate that. Have a great upcoming week.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You too. May God bring you happiness and well-being.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7661
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Hi Elliot,

You mentioned recommending a great self help book. Please provide me with the details on it. I think I am at a point now to where I want to explore my own deep issues.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
Dear Honey,

I have several books that may be very helpful to you in your self-exploration and in helping you move forward with your life.


Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott JD MEd


and

 

How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny by Joyce Meyer

 



and

In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant

(a widely popular classic)

 

and one more classic book which many swear by in being a strong force in their lives,

 

Finding Yourself in Transition: Using Life's Changes for Spiritual Awakening by Robert Brumet

I hope that these books help you find the peace and strength that you seek.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott

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