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I believe that I can help.
Your girlfriend has been very traumatized and is behaving exactly as a traumatized woman does.
She may have Borderline Personality Disorder or posttraumatic stress, but she is not able to trust yet.
You may be the best thing that has happened to her in years, but if you want to be with her you will have to be very very patient.
You will have to win her trust and put up with the fact that she is very emotionally wounded.
at the moment she just wants me as a best friend
It sounds that being her best friend is the way back to win her trust.
should i just keep treading lightly and showing her that i am a trustworthy person
You are a man of the world and of great experience, even if you are young.
You have paid some dues and understand life.
If you want her, stay there, take it slowly, and you will stay in her life.
one last thing as well
we were together yesterday
She can dump a boyfriend but can't dump a best friend.
i picked her up from work
and we were talking about love
and how you can never UN- love someone after you start
(Scary for her)
and her ex boyfriend, the one that caused all the damaged came up
and she was telling me about how he will always have a place in her heart because no matter how much bad he did, there were times where there was lots of good which caused her to fall in love obviously
her girl friend asked her the other day, if he wasnt such a bad person till this day would you take him back, and she said she would
which is understandable because he was her first everything
i just want her to see that im nothing like that man
She will have to let him fade away.
You are not like him and you will take over that empty space in her heart once she lets you in.
His memory is just a place-holder.
She needs YOU.
what about therapy?
as much as i want to be there for her, and as much as i do know, theres so much that i dont
The best kind of therapy for her would be what you call dialectical behavior therapy.
I can give you a link to a great self-help DBT workbook.
Give me a moment:
please, and thank you
How old is she? Here is one book.
she is 20
she was with that man for 2 years
This book is age appropriate for her.
She needs to get her trust back and this book - and YOU - will help her do that.
is it for me to read and implement upon her or her to read?
Both of you.
I have a book for her too.
Does she ever hurt herself?
no, not physically
she tends to bottle her emotions and go "numb" as she refers to it
which i sometimes think is worse
When she learns to trust she will open up.
Does she have mood swings?
Does she get very angry?
she gets very angry and says things she doesnt mean
Then she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. I will recommend this book for her.
if she ever feels like her anger is about to get the best of her, she leaves me, and either goes to her house if we are at my place, or just goes for a walk
She is trying so very hard. She is a good person, I can tell.
Here is the book:
now i have one problem left in all of this
Yes, what is it?
as much as i love her and care about her, i cant look her in the face and hand her books like this
its not awkward, i feel almost as if its a slap in the face
Then get them for yourself.
it would almost hurt me to give them to her
i dont want her to feel offended
I understand where you are coming from.
And she is VERY prone to being rejected or feeling abandoned.
Here is a book for YOU instead:
You have two choices:
These books will help YOU to help her and she will be none the wiser.
Thank you so much
I shall keep both of you in my prayers.
i am considering going to her mothers work place and attempting to implement this through her mom because her mom is like her best friend as well
what do you think
As long as it doesn't backfire and cause you grief.
in what sense?
That her mother says something to her making her angry with you or thinking that you are rejecting her.
well we've gone on breaks before, but she broke up with me as in ended the relationship as a whole 3 days ago
She is on a hair-trigger sometimes, I believe.
I wish you great success.
should i give it some time before i start trying to "help" her?
or should i just act now
Just continue to be her friend and accept her uncritically. Watch out for those hidden triggers. They are hard to avoid because she will be looking for them. Innocent words can be misconstrued. It is like walking on eggshells, you understand.
yes! i actually used that analogy to her
Do you know that phrase is used in several books that deal with BPD.
i told her that we are both standing on glass, except that she is barefoot. and that we cant clean the glass up unless we both step back
Another GREAT book is
That was a good metaphor that you told her.
it's impossible to overcome something like this alone isnt it?
It is better with help.
It is best with unconditional love given to her so that she regains trust.
what do i do when she tries to keep pushing me away
because she tells me that she pushes me away for my own good
Tell her to remember that you are now friends, and it doesn't work that way for friends.
she tends to try and dodge things like this
thats the whole problem
she'll either say why are you always trying to talk about stuff like this, or she'll hear me out then it'll go in one ear and out the other
You either keep riding the big waves or you jump ship. Don't have discussions with her about this. Just enjoy your time together.
i want to have the knowledge to cut through her stubborn exterior and nurture her true kind soul
That's easy. Use action, gentle body language, and forget the words. Don't try to talk to her about things.
Don't give her advice, just companionship and friendship.
If you give her advice or suggestions then you are telling her she is not OK the way she is.
She knows that herself. She just wants you to accept her.
yeah, thats exactly what i dont want to do
i dont want to make her feel like im aware shes damaged and i want her fixed
Keep loving her unconditionally and she will improve and you will win her trust. It is a tough job but you are the guy for it, I believe.
i most definitely will!
thank you for everything
You are very welcome. You are a good guy !
i appreciate it
i just hope i can be mature and well collected enough to show her that
have a nice day!
I believe that you are.
You too ! ! ! !