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I believe that I can help.
I am so sorry that one man has apparently so much control of your career and, in essence, your well-being.
He is just one partner, however. Do you have any other partners who are your friends or allies or supporters?
I do, but he is the head of this region and I can't move internally without his blessing
I am looking to move on and have a few options out there, but my self confidence is gone and it is affecting my relationship with my family as well
Have you talked this over with any of your friends and allies?
You have sacrificed a great deal for this company by going to Indonesia.
Not really. I am in a small office in Jakarta, Indonesia. There aren't any other foreigners here who I can talk to. The other foreigners here don't want to get involved. They are in a different department and they know the reputation of the bully... I can't really speak to people outside the firm about this because it could tarnish the reputation of the firm
Because of the contacts and experience in the region, you surely have some leverage.
Yes, but not many Americans are in the region at the moment and people are reluctant to charge in
You said you have other options. Are they outside of the firm?
Yes. Other firms. I am trying to move. It's just that I need to be self confident about moving
You have come this far and doing a difficult task. You have some accomplishments under your belt.
How much does the bully need you?
I can't be sure. He can't really handle the work here without me. But I would imagine he could get another guy in to do the same job and bully him for a few years before he runs off.
He's gone through so many people before.
One excellent way to built back your self-esteem would be to find a method of facing up to the bully, using your leverage as indispensable while staying within bounds of mannerly behavior.
The main office must be weak if they allow him to continue the same way.
He's pretty scary though. Threatens physical violence. And he's huge too.
They've gone through the motions to "help". Hired coaches for this guy, etc.
He keeps bullying though. And even if he did stop, the damage is done. I'm a wreck.
If they had a rival in Jakarta, they might be very happy to hire you. If they think you might have such an offer they might be kinder to you.
I know its all mental, but I can't seem to get myself out of this slump. I tried to help my wife fix a leak in our bathroom this morning and when I couldn't, I just lost it...
The best way to build up your self-esteem is to not cave to the bully.
You are under extreme emotional stress.
Has this manifested in any other ways?
I am constantly angry.
And take it out on the wrong people.
I never used to be. I was always very positive. Always looking to build and increase business. I had ideas.
Usually my family. My wife and sometimes my kids. Just yelling though.
I tend to just stay alone for a while to try to get through.
There are a few counselors here in Jakarta for foreigners, but when I tried to go, it just didn't work out. The traffic is awful and I don't have the time to get there and talk.
Alone -- meaning, at home in my bedroom or at work in my office.
There are several excellent books that give very strong professional approaches to bullying in the workplace. They are the equivalent of specialist counselors/therapists. You could get these books from amazon in the usa or uk, or have them delivered wireless to your computer. Kindle editions.
Let me give you the names of two excellent books that you can have in your corner.
"Working for You Isn't Working for Me"?
I have half a dozen
You will have to face him in non-threatening but effective ways.
He is probably a narcissist, and if so you must learn how to stop giving him his "fix".
He definitely is
Narcissists have no empathy whatsoever, and thus you cannot appeal to their sense of decency. Their decency is all facade.
He also has self esteem issues too I think
He is always complaining that we are "making him look stupid"
Let me offer you one more effective book for facing this kind of sociopath (and yes they are so defined).
Whenever he is visiting the office here, his sole goal is to pick up the local girls
Narissistics control by blaming and belittling others.
Perhaps you can "get the goods" on him and compromise him.
If he is not ethical then it is an issue that besmirches your company.
If he is made to look bad he will not handle it well.
I'll just be pushed out though I think. He's just pushed out others who push back.
You must let him think that he is getting to you and he will back off. He will think he is succeeding in keeping control of you and the operation. He NEEDS you. Bide your time and don't let him get you. He has his Achille's heel.
In any event, I need to get out of this firm and into another one. And I just need to build my self-confidence again.
If building self-confidence is your main issue, and you have decided to jump rather than put up with the hardships of this job, then you can do it. You should still learn the value of dealing with bullies and narcissists because they are usually one in the same and they are the ones who work their way to the top.
If you forgive me for giving you book suggestions, I do have a wonderful self-esteem builder that I use with my clients and they love it because it really works.
You have lots of experience and have been in this field for awhile in an international position. There is no reason that you can't find a wonderful position somewhere else.
Thanks. It's tough to order these out to Indo, but I'll get them sent to my house in NY to pick up this summer. Is there any online counseling that people overseas can purchase? Or subscribe to?
Even if you have to take a lower position, you can get your foot in the door and work your way back quickly.
Staying in a position that is interfering with your well-being and family is not worth it any longer.
I don't know about the counseling, but you can pay for the shipping or perhaps get the Kindle books over the internet and you could have them on your computer in a few minutes from now if they can send them to Indonesia.
I suggest getting started now.