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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1722
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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How do you parent a child who does not get affected by anything

Resolved Question:

How do you parent a child who does not get affected by anything taken away, timeouts, etc. He has no attachment to anything. He rationalizes things like an adult. He is only 6.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

What type of behavior is he displaying that you are using timeouts, taking things away, etc?

CoachJenK :

Welcome

Customer:

Hello

Customer:

sorry hard to connect

Customer:

He isnt displaying any behaviour

Customer:

it phases him very little.

Customer:

it will upset him for a couple of minutes

CoachJenK :

what do you give timeouts for?

Customer:

then he goes right back to doing whatever

Customer:

time outs for not doing his work, talking back, not listening. i dont do it all the time

Customer:

i try to pick my battles

CoachJenK :

good. I am going to suggest that if possible you go to completely ignoring this behavior unless of course he is hurting himself or someone else.

Customer:

tried that

CoachJenK :

He is getting the attention he is looking for by your response and when he doesnt react to it he gets more attention to it.

Customer:

when i say nothing phases him i mean it...

Customer:

obviously when i sit down and explain and he really sees it bothers me

Customer:

then he will get upset.

Customer:

he is very very smart

CoachJenK :

I would walk from the room and busy yourself with something else.

Customer:

okay

CoachJenK :

he is too young for the explanations

Customer:

hmm

CoachJenK :

and your goal is not for him to feel bad

Customer:

okay i explain

Customer:

that is the only way he will actually show emotion

CoachJenK :

you want him to know you love him and support him byt have a limit to talking back.

Customer:

we sat down today

CoachJenK :

if he doesnt do his work he will suffer the consequences in school

Customer:

well

Customer:

that is an issue all on its own

Customer:

he doesnt feel he needs to do the work because it is too easy

CoachJenK :

he is good at getting you upset so I am wanting you to remain calm and be silent when this goes on...over time and with consistency he will realize that he isnt getting any attention in this way.

Customer:

and yes, for him it is. Everyone recognizes it, but he doesnt do it.

Customer:

okay

Customer:

on thursday i have a meeting to get him "observed"

CoachJenK :

I am sure he is bored if he is that smart but I would still let the school handle it.

Customer:

okay

CoachJenK :

Does he display affection?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

he is a very loving child

Customer:

hugs kisses

Customer:

gets excited

CoachJenK :

excellent so he is connected to those around him.

CoachJenK :

wonderful.

Customer:

he doesnt fit a profile

Customer:

he has many friends

Customer:

he doesnt fit add adhd asperger

CoachJenK :

When kids are very smart as he is they test even more...dont believe they need to do the mundane things.

CoachJenK :

the more you push, yell and try and get him to do it the more he doesnt.

Customer:

that is why i gathered

Customer:

my main concern

Customer:

is the coldness

Customer:

let me explain

Customer:

most kids at this age

Customer:

get upset if you take something away

Customer:

favorite anything...

CoachJenK :

pull back after sitting wtih him and letting him know these are his choices and he has to make them

Customer:

he doesnt have anything that upsets him

Customer:

i feel that isnt normal

CoachJenK :

I am sure he does get upset but he is smart enough not to show it to you

Customer:

no, he has a pretty bad poker face

Customer:

i know when he is upset

Customer:

but when i punish him, or take something

CoachJenK :

lol

Customer:

he is skipping like nothing happened within miutes

Customer:

samething at school

Customer:

the teachers are amazed at how he gets in trouble

CoachJenK :

maybe we can see it in a different way that he is resillient and can handle it

Customer:

hmm

Customer:

that is a different way for sure

CoachJenK :

and he can let things roll.

Customer:

yes that he can

Customer:

he is ALWAYS smiling

CoachJenK :

I think he is aware how smart he is

Customer:

that is an interesting way

Customer:

so thursday he is being evaluated

Customer:

im concerned about him being classified

CoachJenK :

I would come to him from a place of love as I know you do...timeouts and taking things away dont work for every child.

Customer:

i am paying for it so it doesnt go into any records etc...

Customer:

yes...they dont work AT all

CoachJenK :

I understand your fear.

CoachJenK :

Have you asked him what his favorite thing is?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

he says me

Customer:

lol

Customer:

he doesnt have a thing...

Customer:

im am the same way

CoachJenK :

If he can answer that then you can tell him in advance that is what he will lose when he behaves in a manner that is unacceptable.

Customer:

so maybe its genetic

Customer:

okay...thats good

Customer:

lastly my other concern

Customer:

is that he told me that sometimes he has too many thoughts in his head

Customer:

ie 2+2 is 4, but in his head he is coming up with other solutions or other ways

CoachJenK :

your concerns are valid, but if things are noticed during his observation thaen you will be better equipped to handle what is going on.

Customer:

so things dont seem very a to b with him

Customer:

its ab and then z

Customer:

and im not sure if that deals with his intelligence

Customer:

where his critical thinking skills are far advance and that doesnt help

CoachJenK :

I am glad and proud of you for having him observed. It will help you and him if something is seen.

CoachJenK :

yes it can make things hard for all

Customer:

thanks,

Customer:

thanks, XXXXX XXXXX for me answers will come after thursday

Customer:

i just wanted to bounce some things off

CoachJenK :

Reasoning and pushing may not be the way to go here...firm boundaries and including him on the things you expect of him.

Customer:

im not firm

Customer:

because i havent needed to be

Customer:

hes been soooo easy

CoachJenK :

he may feel better about things if he is involved in it all does that make sense?

Customer:

it does...believe me he has an oppinion about everything

Customer:

he is my little lawyer

Customer:

he can rationalize himself out of a punishment hell be a great politian, i think i need to be firmer and be more structured.

CoachJenK :

ahhhh...firm seems to be important here. And what I mean is consistent. Include him while letting him know your rules and expectations and clear consequences. If he doesnt react that is okay...you have set the boundary and it is clear and you are firm.

Customer:

i havent had issues with him until he started in Kinder

Customer:

this is where everything changed

CoachJenK :

forget the lawyering. he is 6 and you are the parent. clear cut rules and consequences...you must follow through

Customer:

because he wasnt the golden child in school etc...i think attention etc..

CoachJenK :

yes and he is great at getting yours.

Customer:

yes we are writing the rules on paper so he can read them...

CoachJenK :

it is exhausting to have the go rounds with him.

Customer:

yes...but amazing at the sametime

CoachJenK :

you are the parent. he, your child. you make the rules.

Customer:

i think that is where he gets me

Customer:

im amazed at his smarts, now daddy is more the disciplinarian

CoachJenK :

but if you dont follow through or you let him lawyer you then he will always know he can wear you down

Customer:

but i dont let him walk over me...i just feel like i need to be more consistent and tougher

CoachJenK :

good well get on board. nothing harsh just consistent.

Customer:

that makes sense

Customer:

i dont believe in corporal punishment

Customer:

he is smart enough to understand. thank you

CoachJenK :

good me neither and it doesnt work it only teaches violence.

Customer:

i will put these into play, he knows things are changing after today

CoachJenK :

my pleasure

CoachJenK :

ok. come back to me anytime and let me know how he is doing and you too.

Customer:

i will let you know how thursday goes if its okay

CoachJenK :

yes please.

Customer:

thanks...thought him having a genius IQ would make parenting easy...boy was i wrong

CoachJenK :

my goal has been to provide excellent support, if I have given that please take a moment to offer a rating.

Customer:

lol thanks...

CoachJenK :

lol.

CoachJenK :

let me know if I can support you further.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1722
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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