Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know about this problem in your marital life.
Could you please tell me more about you? For how long have you been married, how long ago did this problem start and under what circumstances?
We been Married for 25 years.
Thank you for replying.
It started about 10 years ago
I see, then it's been chronic problem for this long. Was your sexual life-performance normal and fulfilling during the first 15 years of marriage before this issue started?
yes very much so
I see. What could have happened here is that at that time once you considered using this type of sexual fantasy as a way to increase your sexual excitement, it did powerfully impact the way you experience sex and intimacy with your wife, and having been limiting your sex life to this specific fantasy has conditioned and deeply reinforced dependency on it to attain orgasm.
Sexual performance and fulfillment depends on multiple factors, and psychoemotional aspects determine how well or not a person-couple performs and enjoys sex and intimacy. When a fantasy replaces reality and is associated with a high level of sexual arousal, it could easily become obsessive-compulsive-addictive and replace the natural reaction-experience during sexual intercourse and the whole sexual experience and intimacy.
I'd say that after initial powerful psychological impact of this fantasy 10 years ago, you have literally trained your brain-mind to only get aroused and achieve orgasm when into this role play, which has become very limited and obviously not one allowing nor promoting real intimacy and fulfillment in your marital relationship.
The same way you trained your brain-mind to work this limited way, you could reprogram it to get back to a normal, more natural and fulfilling experience but it would take professional psychotherautic support, where you would work individually and then with your wife on reshaping the way you address and experience sexual intimacy.
Does it make sense?
so you are saying I should see a Therapist to really resolve this?
ok thank you that's where I was thinking?
If you have limited your marital sexual experience - orgasm to this exclusive role-play and reinforced it for all these years, i do not see how you could make effective changes without professional support.
You're very welcome