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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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What is wrong with me? please help me...I tend to put

Customer Question

What is wrong with me? please help me...

I tend to put my worthiness or value in other people. Like I only feel worthy when I feel loved and I try people to love me

-Sometimes when I am at school I feel as if my boyfriend is there with me and I have to act in a way that he would like me

-when I text him I try to be obvious to him, like I want him to observe me and know I am worth it. I make him want to have empathy with me so he can fall in love with me.

-For example, I tell him how my day went & then I tell him how I feel inside and I just tell him anything that shows something so he can like me



I feel tiered and sick of this. I get too attached to people and do things and even try to read what they are thinking about me. I want to be normal
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.
Hello there, I would like to help you. First I think it is great that you have the insight that your self-esteem depends on others. Can you tell me when was the first time that you needed someone else approval to feel loved and secure? How did your parents treat you as a child? Did they give you love your needed? What about previous relationships? What will happen is your boyfriend does not think that you are wonderful?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

i want to chat...please?

Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.

Great,

I will try to find you online

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I don't know exactly when was the first approval, but I am pretty sure it probably started in high school. When I first liked this guy, I started to learn that my self-esteem depended on him. That was freshman year. I would be thinking of him as if he was there, I would try to be good at things and show it to him so he could see I was a good person and I would want him to observe me. My parents treated me ok, however my mom would always copy me so much and would steal my swag. I started to feel as if I did not have an identity. I am thinking that my sister, bullying at school, my mom was the cause of my low self-esteem.


I am not talking to my boyfriend right now. I really want to talk to him, but first I want to have my self-esteem good.I am kinda forcing myself not to talk to him. I want to be confident and not be so attached to him. It hurts not to talk to him but i am really trying..

Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.

Hello there, I am sorry I am missing you online. I think your mother trying to act like you has probably had a negative affect in your self esteem. I am sorry your were bullied when you were young. You did not deserve that, and you learned how to please others to be safe. The way to improve self esteem is to find something that you really like to do something that is only for you. I am not sure what your hobbies are such as art, writing, helping younger girls, sports. I think that finding something that has meaning to you something away from how others feel about you.

Can you tell me 3 personality traits that you love about yourself? What makes you yourself and different that others? We can start there. Then, I want to give you an affirmation. "I love myself and I deserve all the wonderful things that come my way". I am strong and confident.

As you begin to use the methods and other methods that you may think of to improve your self-esteem, you may notice that you have some feelings of resistance to positive feelings about yourself. This is normal. Don't let these feelings stop you from feeling good about yourself. They will diminish as you feel better and better about yourself. To help relieve these feelings, let your friends know what you are going through. Do things to relax, such as meditating or taking a nice warm bath.

You can write the affirmation in a place you see everyday.

Observe your negative thoughts and try to let them go as they come in your head. Replace them with positive thoughts. It will take time but eventually it will work.

You are also a separate person from your mother, I have a feeling that she tried to make you an extention of herself. What are your own dreams? Do you want to travel, create... It is a good time to find out who you are. Nobody can take that away from you. Let me know what you think.

 

Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.
Some book I have used with me clients.
10 Simple Solutions for
Building Self-Esteem: How to End Self-Doubt, Gain Confidence, & Create a
Positive Self-Image (The New Harbinger Ten Simple Solutions Series) [Paperback]

Glenn
R. Schiraldi PhD
(Author)

The Confidence Plan: How to
Build a Stronger You [Paperback]

Tim
Ursiny
(Author)

Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 394
Experience: I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
Penny Rayas, MFT and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.
Let me know if this has answered your questions. Remember I am here to help so please rate a 3 or higher so I can get paid for the work I have done. If you still have questions I would be happy to answer them. Thanks so much for working with me
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

When I was in high school the girl who was my best friend became a copy-cat of me. She copied my clothes, personality, music, hobbies, hair style...basically EVERYTHING about me. The thing that I hated the MOST was that she would talk to people how I talk to them. It was irritating me!

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For example, one day I was with her in class and I was next to her and she started talking to this girl she NEVER talks to, she was like, "Hey Christie! I heard you scored in soccer you are so amazing!" and Christie was like, "Awww thanks I am so glad we have made it this far." I was like whata heck!? She never talks to Christie, and especially in that tone. Like oh my goodness I am so excited!

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yeah right...before she started to become "me" she would never congratulate people. She would just be like oh cool or wouldn't say nothing. I wanted to kill her so bad!!!!

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I felt like she was stealing my identity. She was being me and I felt like I was nothing, I became REALLY depressed. I felt like everyone liked her now and then everyone in the whole school would make her "queen" and be territorial. I actually believe, "Wow, all the copying is making her find her true self and and everyone is actually falling in love with her." I wouldn't bother me as much if she copied my style, yet she was being HERSELF. But she was being me and everyone likes her now and forever because she is the greatest of all......

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Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.

I think it is annoying to someone to copy you but if you think about it, she thought you were so cool she tried to be you. I think you have to remember that you are the origional and you have your own style imittation is just that, trying to be someone she is not. If others like her they were not that smart and you want smart people around you. Your identity is your own because she really does not know you your identity and your style will keep changing. I sense you have a good sense of fashion and style and nobody can change that. Your invent your style and people follow is fluttering if you think about it. It is nice to be out of high school right? Now you build your life and those who were cool in high school are nobody now but you keep growing and being you. I have not met too many " High School Queens" that did much in life. Maybe being creative can become a career for you. I say keep creating and let others copy you, you will always do it first.

So think if others try to be me I must be great!

Expert:  Camille-Mod replied 1 year ago.


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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I will like to wait.

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