How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5469
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
54658078
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hello, I am having an awful time with an ex that sends me email

Resolved Question:

Hello, I am having an awful time with an ex that sends me email after our break up mentioning other women he has or wants to meet. I not only stopped responding to these, but what is causing him to do this?

He is a control freak and insecure from the 5 yrs I have known him and we just broke up only 3 weeks ago.
If I can understand why people do this, can I get some resolve.
Thanks for the help.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your question,

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through with your ex. Typically when someone behaves in this way it is because they are hurt and are trying to provoke a reaction by attempting to hurt you too. This may also be an attempt to bait you into a conversation or confrontation if he is struggling with a loss of control, or if this breakup has caused him to struggle even more with his insecurities. More than anything, it sounds like he is upset and is trying to make you feel similarly by trying to provoke feelings of jealousy. You are right to ignore his texts, and hopefully he will eventually get the message. I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


What I do not understand about this is that he writes songs and this is not the only time he did this. He wrote a song about some woman he want to meet and he sent an email titled "A new song," and then he writes, "


Just wanted you to hear the work ... I've not met anyone ... I'm not with anyone ... I'm alone, ok ... Don't take it wrong ...


 


I hope you're doing great ... No need to reply ... No need to say a word ..."


When I did not respond I get another one the next day titled, "For the H&^l of it," and then, "Final cut ... Final everything ..."


 


This from a 54 yr old... and now I am wondering if he mentally ill.


Opinion?

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
I agree that it is odd behavior, although if he is struggling with a breakup, that can make a lot of normally sane people act in ways that may make you think they are mentally ill. Unless there were other indicators of mental illness, I wouldn't assume that he is from this particular situation. However, from what you've described, it's not surprising that he has some insecurities, and it does seem safe to say that he was looking for some type of reaction or response from you, despite saying otherwise.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok, how can he think he would get any reaction after hearing that he wants to meet some girl.


 


The song was very specific down to her eye and hair color and even in the part of the message of that song he mentioned that he wanted to be with her and then send me "I've not met anyone ... I'm not with anyone ... I'm alone, ok ... Don't take it wrong ...."


 


And you saying that he is only trying to get a reaction from me?

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, it looks like Ryan had to exit the conversation so I'd like to help you with your question.

Yes, it looks like your ex is trying to get a reaction out of you by sending you these letters. It is right that he most likely is either very hurt and wants you to hurt with him to make him feel better, or he is insecure/angry and wants to get a reaction out of you because he feels slighted by the break up. When you deal with someone like this, it is best to ignore them. If they become too intrusive, say something to the point and simple like I'm sorry but this is over. Please leave me alone. That way, you leave out the emotion of the situation and leave no doubt that you are finished with the relationship.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


I figured that he is trying to get me to respond and I refuse, but that still is not answering why he says in the song that he wants to be with this woman, but tells me that he is alone and have not met anyone, and then say "no need to reply, no need to say a word."


 


I find out from his family that he did try to meet her and she was late, and ended up not meeting her, but then send me a song about her?


 


Is this some sort of manipulation? Why I ask is because I hope to understand where this comes from. I am sorry for being pushy, but what sort of person does this at 54?


 


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
It could be that he is trying to get any reaction from you, from being upset with him to feeling sorry for him. Some people struggle to handle emotions in a healthy way so they do whatever they feel is necessary in order to get a reaction. And at his age, he probably never learned how to deal with his feelings. Some people don't. It sounds like he is trying to get you to respond but is not sure what would work so he is doing things like sending songs, telling you about other women and generally trying to get your attention in any way he can. If you do not pay attention, he may escalate for a while but eventually he should move on.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5469
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

So what does this mean when he sends a song about some woman that he didn't get to meet yet but wants to be there with her, and then tells me the opposite with not meeting her, not with anyone and alone?


 


I can understand if it were just the song he sent, but still not sure about the contradiction. I am really thinking there is something wrong mentally and emotionally and I happen to care to an extent.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
There could be something wrong with him, but it is hard to say for sure without talking to him directly. At this point, it sounds like he is just looking for a reaction from you. He does not need to send this to you but he does anyway. That means he is looking for a reaction. His contradictions are not clear. Most likely it is just him feeling mixed up about your break up and looking for a reaction.

Kate




May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education